The Room...Revision 3, Unrhymed Iambic Pentameter Options

[Judi]

The Room..Revision 3

Sometimes I think that I can hear it breathe,
as morning sun streams through its leaded panes.
I love the smell of polished wood and candle
wax, the to and fro of pendulum,
the chiming sounds that tell of time that's passed.

I snuggle down in chintz to read a book
or write a poem; perhaps I place cut flowers
in a vase, make phone calls to a friend;

It's always done with joy for when I'm here
within its walls, I'm in a special place,
my room where I spend many happy hours
a place where I have found myself at last.

Revision 2
Sometimes I think that I can hear it breathe,
as morning sun streams through its leaded panes.
I love the smell of polished wood and candle
wax, the to and fro of pendulum,
the chiming sounds that tell of time that's passed.

I snuggle down in chintz to read a book
or write a poem; perhaps I place cut flowers
into a vase, write letters to a friend;

It's always done with joy for when I'm here
within its walls, I'm in a special place,
my castle where I spend such happy hours,
a place where I find happiness at last.

Revision 1

Sometimes I think that I can hear it breathe,
as morning sun streams through its leaded panes.
I love the smell of polished wood and candle
wax, the to and fro of pendulum,
the chiming sounds that tell of hours that pass.

I snuggle down in chintz to read a book
or write a poem, perhaps I place cut flowers
into a vase; write letters to a friend.

It's always done with ease for when I'm here
within its walls, I'm in a special place,
my castle where I spend such happy hours,
a place where I find total peace at last.





Original Version
There are times I think I hear it breathe,
as morning sun streams through its leaded panes.
I love aromas of its polished wood
and candle wax, the to and fro of pendulum,
the chiming sounds that tell of hours that pass.

I snuggle down in chintz to read a book
or write a poem, perhaps I place cut flowers
in a vase; write letters to a friend.

It's always done with ease for when I'm here
within its walls, I'm in a special place,
my castle where I spend such happy hours,
a place where I find total peace at last.
--
© Judith Anne Labriola[/center]

[Guest_Don_*]

Good morning Judi,

My take on the single word "pendulum" is dactyl.

Don

[JaxMyth]

There are times I think I hear it breathe, This is catalectic trochaic pentameter
There are times I think I hear it breathe,
Perhaps:
Sometimes I think that I can hear it breathe

as morning sun streams through its leaded panes.
I love aromas of its polished wood The loss of article hurts the line perhaps it could be recast:
I love the sweet( or other single syllable descriptor) aromas of its wood

and candle wax, the to and fro of pendulum, Again the missing article, perhaps: the to-ing fro-ing pendulum.
the chiming sounds that tell of hours that pass. The schwa in hours becomes a little problematic in the scansion.

I snuggle down in chintz to read a book
or write a poem, perhaps I place cut flowers Hexameter with an awkward scansion leaving a feminine rhyme causing problems downstream:
or write a poem, perhaps I place cut flowers
in a vase; write letters to a friend. Again catalectic trochaic pent, it can be brought back into the fold by using 'into':
into a vase; write letters to a friend.


It's always done with ease for when I'm here
within its walls, I'm in a special place,
my castle where I spend such happy hours, The schwa here used to complete the feminine rhyme renders the line hypermetric.

a place where I find total peace at last.

Use or lose Judi, some nice bits here,

regards,

Jax
--
© Judith Anne Labriola

Or..

There are times I think I hear it breathe,
as morning sun streams through its leaded panes.
I love the smell of polished wood and candle
wax, the to and fro of pendulum,
the chiming sounds that tell of hours that pass.

I snuggle down in chintz to read a book
or write a poem, perhaps I place cut flowers
in a vase; write letters to a friend.

It's always done with ease for when I'm here
within its walls, I'm in a special place,
my castle where I spend such happy hours,
a place where I find total peace at last.

Not sure if I can get away with pendulum's pronunciation...some say it is 6 ft, some say it is pronounced as a dactyl...need help here...Judi

[Merlin]

Hi Judy,
I'm having a time of it, figgering out who "it" is, up in L1. The clue given in L2 (its) suggests it is a window, but then, not too many windows I'm familiar with have swinging pendulums (L4). Soooooo, is there somebody outside your window swinging "its" pendulum, huh???????

V2 needs internal punctuation review: if you're having a list, then semicolons are approved.
I snuggle down to:
1. read a book or write a poem;
2. place cut flowers;
or
3. write letters.
Of course, itemization isn't necessary, but only to demonstrate semicolons in lists. Otherwise, commas will do. Stand-alone phrases can be separated by a semicolon, but "write letters to a friend" doesn't qualify as a stand-alone phrase. Btw, do you often place cut flowers while snuggled down?

Nice read; you almost had me looking for a rondeau with the 5-3-4 format. Good to see you mentioning your "special place", everyone should have one or more.

Merlin

[Judi]

Hi Judy,
I'm having a time of it, figgering out who "it" is, up in L1. The clue given in L2 (its) suggests it is a window, but then, not too many windows I'm familiar with have swinging pendulums (L4). Soooooo, is there somebody outside your window swinging "its" pendulum, huh???????

Hmmmm....Merlin...the title of the poem is "THE ROOM" aha..a clue...

HMMMMM What has a pendulum that goes to and fro and chimes? and tells time????

With these clues...I shall leave you to ponder...hmmmm....all lines have 5 counts...at least on my fingers..LOL..

V2 needs internal punctuation review: if you're having a list, then semicolons are approved.
I snuggle down to:
1. read a book or write a poem;
2. place cut flowers;
or
3. write letters.
Of course, itemization isn't necessary, but only to demonstrate semicolons in lists. Otherwise, commas will do. Stand-alone phrases can be separated by a semicolon, but "write letters to a friend" doesn't qualify as a stand-alone phrase. Btw, do you often place cut flowers while snuggled down?

Nice read; you almost had me looking for a rondeau with the 5-3-4 format. Good to see you mentioning your "special place", everyone should have one or more.

Merlin

[JustDaniel]

Greetings, Judi. It's nice to see a piece in blank verse. I'd not written something in blank verse myself for some time until last week. This is very pleasant indeed.

Since there has been some comment already on some lines in the first stanza, please let me turn a few of your phrases a little to see what you think... turning one of them back more to your original.

The Room

Sometimes I think that I can hear it breathe,
as morning sun streams through its leaded panes.
I love the smell of polished wood and candle
Ah, smell the polished wood and candle wax,
and sense the pendulum tick to and fro
wax, the to and fro of pendulum,
the chiming sounds that tell of hours that pass.
to time the chimes that tell which hour has come.

I snuggle down in chintz to read a book
or write a poem[;] (,) perhaps I place cut flowers
[ Different dialects will read this differently; poems and flowers both can be read as one-syllable words, but many do not... and will therefore find this line difficult. ]
into a vase; write letters to a friend.

[ I'm put off slightly by the passive voice here ? ]
It's always done with ease for when I'm here
within its walls, I'm in a special place, [ Amen! ]
my castle where I spend such happy hours,
a place where I find total peace at last.

I'm not sure about the "at last" since it sounds almost like the end of your life, which I don't think you intend ?

Again, a very pleasant piece and nice introduction of myself to your work.

deLighting to meet you here, Daniel

[Merlin]

What has a pendulum that goes to and fro and chimes? and tells time?

Ah-ha! A secret lover. That will explain why clarity isn't necessary here.

all lines have 5 counts...at least on my fingers.

I'm sure that's true on both counts - the counts and the fingers. I never questioned that item, merely illustrated how semicolons are properly used. I regret my lack of clarity.

Merlin

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Judi,

Oh I can remember a time when I had a special room! LOL The house is too full of family now for that. I have to drive to a park about 20 min from home to find any peace and quiet! I love the imagery. The 'to and fro' of the clock feels comforting to me.

Just a thought or two... use or lose~

Cathy


Sometimes I think that I can hear it breathe,
as morning sun streams through its leaded panes.
I love the smell of polished wood and candle
wax, the to and fro of pendulum,
the chiming sounds that tell of hours that pass.

You have 'hours' here and again in the last verse. Some writers don't mind using a word more than once in the same work (I've done it myself a time or two) but just in case you didn't do it intentionally you could rework line 5 to...

the chiming sounds that tell of time that's passed

I snuggle down in chintz to read a book
or write a poem, perhaps I place cut flowers
into a vase; write letters to a friend.

Maybe a semi-colon after 'poem' and a comma after 'vase' for greater pause between the act of 'snuggle down' and 'place cut flowers'?

It's always done with ease for when I'm here
within its walls, I'm in a special place,
my castle where I spend such happy hours,
a place where I find total peace at last.

'Ease' just doesn't seem to fit what you would be feeling.. I know you would be relaxed and comfortable but those won't fit the meter. What about 'joy' instead to go with the 'happy hours' in line 3?

[Judi]

Well Merlin...it seems like you are onto the fact that it is about a special "ROOM"

but the next question...

QUOTE
What has a pendulum that goes to and fro and chimes? and tells time?

Ah-ha! A secret lover. That will explain why clarity isn't necessary here.

Hmmmmm....ok...so I am having an afair with my grandfather clock...who doesn't??? hahahahahahahahahahahaha

[Judi]

You have 'hours' here and again in the last verse. Some writers don't mind using a word more than once in the same work (I've done it myself a time or two) but just in case you didn't do it intentionally you could rework line 5 to...

the chiming sounds that tell of time that's passed

Thanks Cathy...I like that very much and appreciate it!

I snuggle down in chintz to read a book
or write a poem, perhaps I place cut flowers
into a vase; write letters to a friend.

Maybe a semi-colon after 'poem' and a comma after 'vase' for greater pause between the act of 'snuggle down' and 'place cut flowers'?

Ok...I will think about this..

It's always done with ease for when I'm here
within its walls, I'm in a special place,
my castle where I spent such happy hours,
a place where I find total peace at last.

That seems like a good idea...


'Ease' just doesn't seem to fit what you would be feeling.. I know you would be relaxed and comfortable but those won't fit the meter. What about 'joy' instead to go with the 'happy hours' in line 3?
[/quote]

Thanks Cathy...at least two of these will be in my revision! Judi

[JustDaniel]

Greetings, Judi...

I've been following your piece, and am hoping that you merely overlooked my comments... especially that what I offered was not offensive in some way. I know that sometimes I get carried away in seeming to slice things up... but in reality I'm simply offering a shift in perspective rather than suggestions for change...

and I appreciate it when others do the same for me. It's hard to get out of our own words to move over a few degrees once we've put them on paper. Believe me, I know the feeling.

deLighting in your writing, Daniel

[Judi]

Sometimes I think that I can hear it breathe,
as morning sun streams through its leaded panes.
I love the smell of polished wood and candle
Ah, smell the polished wood and candle wax,
and sense the pendulum tick to and fro
wax, the to and fro of pendulum,
the chiming sounds that tell of hours that pass.
to time the chimes that tell which hour has come.

I snuggle down in chintz to read a book
or write a poem[;] (,) perhaps I place cut flowers
[ Different dialects will read this differently; poems and flowers both can be read as one-syllable words, but many do not... and will therefore find this line difficult. ]
into a vase; write letters to a friend.

[ I'm put off slightly by the passive voice here ? ]
It's always done with ease for when I'm here
within its walls, I'm in a special place, [ Amen! ]
my castle where I spend such happy hours,
a place where I find total peace at last.[/quote]
I'm not sure about the "at last" since it sounds almost like the end of your life, which I don't think you intend ?

Again, a very pleasant piece and nice introduction of myself to your work.

deLighting to meet you here, Daniel
[/quote]

[Judi]

Hi Daniel...Let me apologize....I don't know how I missed this...I think it was because Merlin was teasing me so about a few things....LOL...

I am sure I will probably have a few more revisions here, and will definitely keep your suggestions in mind...My best..Judi

[jgdittier]

Dear Judi,
I've just now read your poem and all its previous incarnations and all the comments and suggestions.
My first response included just two thoughts:
The lack of rhyme and the less than perfect scancion (I'm very big on meter) suggested that the shell we hide behind was missing in this piece. To me that made it more rather than less entrancing. I was ready to throw out the rules and believe you were talking to me and baring your soul. I was sharing your joy in your having a peaceful haven. My only nit was I'd drop the concluding "at last".
You've been provided many fine suggestions for bringing this to current standards, but I fear you'll lose some of its naturalness as it's polished and glitters. There's room for school-room improvement here but there's also a freshness you might not want to lose. I'm probably the only one who found its rough edges somewhat pleasant.
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Judi]

Dear Judi,
I've just now read your poem and all its previous incarnations and all the comments and suggestions.
My first response included just two thoughts:
The lack of rhyme and the less than perfect scancion (I'm very big on meter) suggested that the shell we hide behind was missing in this piece. To me that made it more rather than less entrancing. I was ready to throw out the rules and believe you were talking to me and baring your soul. I was sharing your joy in your having a peaceful haven. My only nit was I'd drop the concluding "at last".
You've been provided many fine suggestions for bringing this to current standards, but I fear you'll lose some of its naturalness as it's polished and glitters. There's room for school-room improvement here but there's also a freshness you might not want to lose. I'm probably the only one who found its rough edges somewhat pleasant.
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Judi]

Dear Judi,
I've just now read your poem and all its previous incarnations and all the comments and suggestions.
Thanks very much

My first response included just two thoughts:
The lack of rhyme and the less than perfect scancion (I'm very big on meter) suggested that the shell we hide behind was missing in this piece.

I found a picture of a room that reminded me of my livingroom, and wrote a poem about it...it is on my website if you want to see it..I know you will understand the poem if you see the picture...and the poem is me too...to a T...

http://members.tripod.com/~Lyrielle/theroom.html

To me that made it more rather than less entrancing. I was ready to throw out the rules and believe you were talking to me and baring your soul. I was sharing your joy in your having a peaceful haven. My only nit was I'd drop the concluding "at last".
You've been provided many fine suggestions for bringing this to current standards, but I fear you'll lose some of its naturalness as it's polished and glitters. There's room for school-room improvement here but there's also a freshness you might not want to lose. I'm probably the only one who found its rough edges somewhat pleasant.

The biggest argument I have had is two people (on another site) who argued whether pendulum was a dactyl or a 3 syllable word...(I pronounce it with 3 syllables..) its a toss up there...I am posting another Revision now...it still has one rough spot but I am not willing to give that one up...

I really appreciate your help, even though you SOMETIMES have my soldiers marching in two separate lines, LOL...Judi


Cheers, Ron jgd

[Judi]

'Ease' just doesn't seem to fit what you would be feeling.. I know you would be relaxed and comfortable but those won't fit the meter. What about 'joy' instead to go with the 'happy hours' in line 3?
Ok Cathy...look and see my last revision...I took most of your suggestions and made changes where you thought I needed something different. Thanks so much, Judi

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