Failed Resolution (Tweaked)

By Pamela Jane Tennant

12/17/08

Last year sworn to solemn Resolution
I, engaging on a weight loss campaign,
Watched in dread my resolves dissolution;
Packed on wretched Holiday pounds. Insane!
Tumultuous then pain and misery
Attempting with all Determination,
What to most of us is a mystery;
I claim it's ripe for Elimination!
Now, the last month of two thousand and eight,
I cringe at the thought of rose colored view;
In requiem lies restless last years fate,
I must face my resolution anew.

A battle, a duel of heightened states,
Cold fate that gravity initiates!


Thanks to Ron and Merlin for their critiques. I hope very much that I've made this a better sonnet from their helpful comments.



Original:

Failed Resolution
By Pamela Jane Tennant

12/16/08

Last year sworn to solemn Resolution
I, engaging on a weight loss campaigne,
Watched in dread my resolves dissolution;
Packed on wretched Holiday pounds in vain.

Tumultuous then pain and misery
Attempting in all Determination,
What to most of us is a mystery;
AH! I claim it's ripe for Elimination!

Now, the last month of two thousand eight,
I cringe at the thought of rose colored veiw;
Whilst in requiem lies restless last years fate
I must face my r e s o l u t i o n...anew.

A battle, a duel of heightened state;
Ah. The fate that gravity doth create!



I am humbled by the truly great poets here. I realize my work is lacking, polish and better prose. Any suggestions about any
or all of what I have written will be heartily welcomed with gratitude.

Dear Lady Poet,
My comments are general as I respect each poster's right to his own style and I don't know your style.
This looks to me as a sonnet, a 14 liner with rhyme scheme ababcdcdefefef.
An other aspect of the sonnet is its cadence, usually iambic pentameter. Consider getting a metronome. Starting it with the pendulum left, have the heavily beaten syllables occur when the pendulum is on the right.
As the sonnet is rather formal, careful punctuation adds.
I believe you'll get good help right here at MM by reviewing the sonnet section on poetic forms. Go to Karnak, look for "sonnets".
I think of the sonnet as the queen of poems and therefore accord her the respect royalty demands.
As to message, I expect yours here has universal appeal!
Cheers, Ron jgdittier

Hello LP,

I shall underscore everything that our good colleague jgd has written, and add a few tidbits of mine.
I'd encourage you not to center since many of us find such postings very annoying - unless you're under contract to Hallmark and must do so. A centered posting makes me look for the reason why - are you portraying a particular shaped person here?

I'd encourage using your spell checker. "View" has the I before E, except after C rule - back from grade school; and campaign doesn't have an E unless poured from the bottle.

You'd be best advised to keep the diction current. Not many go around lisping "does" nowadays, unless thou doth. (Last line)

Finally I'll pass along the most important bit of wisdom possible >> that there is always another way of saying the same thing. << You'll need to find it, so that the "in vain" part makes sense to the reader... packing pounds on in vain seems odd, you'd be expected to try and lose pounds and that might be in vain. So methinks.

Do some juggling here. You're off to a wonderful start, first for tackling a form many fear. Your syllable count is really very close, and will pass all but the most critical. Your rhymes are well done, especially in the multi-syllable ones. As we encouraged another posting downstream, do give this some touch-ups, remembering that every trip begins with that first step.

Welcome to the world of sonnets.

Merlin

Ron, thank you so very much for your critique. I am only just beginning this form, my third, and know next to nothing about it, and do it practically by "ear." I 'm not the brightest bulb in the pack and with a learning deficit it takes a lot longer than most, for me to comprehend and then "save" new knowledge, especially if they are complex. So I will take all of your kind suggestions and "save" them and continue to try, hoping one day I'll right a sonnet that will blow everyone's socks off...and any other article of clothing affected...hehehe As for the metronome, I use my fingers. It's the best I can do, there is no other option at this point in time. Please visit me again and keep me on my toes!

Blessings, Pami

WOW! Merlin...what can I say??? Thank you! What an in depth critique and how hard it is at times to take it well...in spite of what we say...lol

I love to center. It makes a poem look more balanced to me...I'm sorry it annoyed you! I write a lot of different things that require centering and I've just become charmed with it. I don't center with all my poetry, but most. I did look at it again from your eyes, it does take
on a text shape of a plump lady in a dress, sans head and limbs that is...lol.

Drat! I usually catch those typos! I guess I'd read over this too many times to see it, so thank you for pointing that out to me! I'll fix it ASAP! I'm a touch typist, though untrained, I taught myself, and sometimes my mind runs way ahead of my fingers and they stumble trying to keep up...one of the worst things they like to do is add an "e" on the end of wisdom...I hate that, but usually catch it...meanwhile, did you mean cHampagne? Though I'm sure many campaigners enjoy there celebratory libations! (Gentle nudge)

Hmmm. I'll give due consideration to your point on "doth" I guess I'm one of the elite that still does. But then I love archaic articulation. Diction doesn't come easy to me anymore and I don't know why, perhaps as I age my southern dialect interferes more than it used to. Statement duly noted and I will work on that. Thank you!

Some days my brain just stops thinking...lol. Other days, I exude beautiful prose.

Thank you for a valuable critique...you and Ron both have given me much to think about!

Happy Holidays,
Pami xoxo

P.S.

I tried to download the spellcheck here and it wouldn't so, I'll be sure to test my poems from now on in Word before posting here. Another good tip for me.

Dear Lady Poet,
Writing a good sonnet is a triumphic aspect of the poet. I'm no expert and likely never will become one and so I've been general in comments.
Few of us amatuers ever make it to the level that we'd be judged by are fellows as accomplished sonneteers. Thus you've taken on a heroic challenge.
Give it your all and I think you'll be pleased, as will I!
Cheers, Ron Jgdittier

Failed Resolution (Tweaked)

By Pamela Jane Tennant

12/16/08

Last year sworn to solemn Resolution
I, engaging on a weight loss campaign,
Watched in dread my resolves dissolution;
Packed on wretched Holiday pounds. Insane!
Tumultuous then pain and misery
Attempting with all Determination,
What to most of us is a mystery;
I claim it's ripe for Elimination!
Now, the last month of two thousand and eight,
I cringe at the thought of rose colored view;
In requiem lies restless last years fate,
I must face my resolution anew.

A battle, a duel of heightened states,
Cold fate that gravity initiates!


Thanks to Ron and Merlin for their critiques. I hope very much that I've made this a better sonnet from their helpful comments.

Below is my first rendering...corrections are in red.

Failed Resolution

By Pamela Jane Tennant

12/16/08

Last year sworn to solemn Resolution
I, engaging on a weight loss campaign,
Watched in dread my resolves dissolution;
Packed on wretched Holiday pounds in vain.

Tumultuous then pain and misery
Attempting in all Determination,
What to most of us is a mystery;
AH! I claim it's ripe for Elimination! 11 syllables

Now, the last month of two thousand eight, 9 syllables
I cringe at the thought of rose colored view;
Whilst in requiem lies restless last years fate 11 syllables
I must face my r e s o l u t i o n...anew.

A battle, a duel of heightened state;
Ah! The fate that gravity doth create!

Very good tweaking, Pam.
In my own case, I'll keep at it, sometimes for a week and longer because a word or another will come to mind that will express the thought better than before. I believe you've latched onto the advice about saying the same thing in different words, as done here without losing the preceding thought at all.

Merlin

Merlin,

I thank you once again for all your help. I'm listening, and I will continue trying. I will consider myself blessed if I may just acquire the technical points knowing that the phrasing will come. I seem to have tackled a monster...lol, it is far less easy that I thought, and I didn't really think it easy...so I am setting a course to try and learn all I can about the sonnet, in all its styles. Thanks for the kudos it really encourages me that I may have a chance. I'm starting a poetry workshop for my friends and hopefully will find the education here of greatest help!

Hugs and Merry Christmas!
Pami