Marta....Revision 5, FV Options

[Judi]

Marta pushes back a
stray lock of hair as she mops
the floor.

To pass the time, she remembers
the laughter of her children
when they were young,
the smell of stew cooking
on her stove,
the tapping sound of rain
on her slate roof,
her man's arms around her
at night.

She moves stiffly now, and
understands why her mother
was so tired when she came
home each day.
With the last hallway done,
she empties her pail, leaves
her mop to dry, and returns
to her flat over the tailor shop.

Smells from the bakery make
her hesitate, but exhaustion
forces her inside.
I'll make myself a cup of tea,
she thinks, then sits alone
to cry.

-----------------------------

Revision 4

Marta pushes back a
lock of hair as she mops
the floor.
Thinking of brighter days,
she remembers
the laughter of her children
when they were young,
the smell of stew cooking
on her stove,
the sound of rain
on her slate roof,
her man's arms around her
at night.

She moves stiffly now, and
understands why her mother
was so tired when she came
home each day.
With the last hallway done,
she empties her pail, leaves
her mop to dry, and returns
to her flat over the tailor shop.

Smells from the bakery make
her hesitate, but exhaustion
forces her inside.
I'll make myself a cup of tea,
she thinks, then sits alone
to cry.

-------------------------------------------


Revision 3
Marta pushes back a stray
lock of hair as she mops
the floor.
Thoughts of brighter days
fill her mind, as she remembers
the laughter of her children
when they were young,
the smell of stew cooking
on her stove,
the sound of rain
on her slate roof,
her man's arms around her
every night.

She moves stiffly now, and
understands why her mother
was so tired when she came
home from work.
With the last hallway done,
she empties her pail, leaves
her mop to dry, and returns
to her flat over the tailor shop.

Smells from the bakery nearby
make her hesitate, but exhaustion
hastens her walk upstairs with a sigh,
I'll make myself a cup of tea,
she thinks, then sits alone and
cries.


Revision 2
Marta pushes back a stray
lock of hair from her forehead,
as she mops the floor.

Thoughts of brighter days
fill her mind, remembering
the laughter of her children
when they were young,
The smell of stew cooking
on her stove;
the tapping sound the rain
made on her slate roof,
her man's arms around her
every night.

She moves stiffly now, and
understands why her mother
was so tired when she came
home from work.

With the last hallway done,
she empties her pail, leaves
her mop to dry, and returns
to her flat over the tailor shop.

Smells from the bakery nearby
slow her footsteps, but exhaustion
forces her to walk upstairs with a sigh.
I'll fix myself a cup of tea, she thinks,
then sits alone and cries.

========================================


Revision 1
Marta pushes a lock
of greasy hair from her forehead,
and continues mopping the floor.
As she works, she thinks
of brighter days when her
children were still young-
how their laughter echoed
though the house.
She remembers the smell
of stew cooking on her stove;
soft tapping sounds of rain
on the slate roof during a storm;
her man's arms around
her.

She moves stiffly now and
understand why her mother
looked so tired when she
came home from work.
With the last hallway done,
she empties her pail,
leaves her mop to dry,
and walks slowly to her flat
over the tailor shop.
Smells from the bakery nearby
make her hesitate, but exhaustion
makes her go upstairs.
I'll make myself a cup of tea,
she thinks,then sits alone
and cries.


Original Version
The old woman pushes a lock
of greasy hair from her
forehead with a tired arm,
and begins mopping the floor
again.
As she works, she sometimes
remembers brighter days,
the smell of stew cooking on
her stove,
the sound the rain made on her
slate roof,
the laughter of her children when
they were young.
The feel of her mans arms around her
in the middle of the night.

She moves slowly now, but
remembers skipping down the road
with her friends at the end
of her lane when she was sixteen,
and how tired her mother looked
when she came home from work
in the evening.

With the last hallway done, she
empties her pail, then leaves her
mop to dry, and walks slowly
to her flat over the tailor shop.
Smells from the bakery nearby
make her hesitate at her door,
but exhaustion makes her go inside.
I'll make myself a cup of tea she thinks,
and then sits alone and cries.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Judi,

How my heart aches for this woman. I wonder if the memories help her through the loneliness or just makes it worse? You've left this open enough for the reader to make certain assumptions on their own. Such as have the kids moved too far away to visit often or have they just abandoned her? Is she divorced or has her husband died?

I think it could do with a bit of tightening up. A few suggestions that might give you some ideas... use or lose~

Cathy


The old woman pushes a lock
of greasy hair from her
forehead with a tired arm,
and begins mopping the floor
again.

As the old woman mops
she hesitates,
pushes back a lock of greasy hair
with a tired arm
and finishes her work.

As she works, she sometimes
remembers brighter days,
the smell of stew cooking on
her stove,
the sound the rain made on her
slate roof,
the laughter of her children when
they were young.
The feel of her mans arms around her
in the middle of the night.

She remembers brighter days...
the aroma of stew on her stove,
soft sounds of rain dancing on the slate roof,
her children's laughter,
and the embrace of her man.

I suggested 'soft' in line 3 to avoid a repeat of 'the'. And 'dancing on the slate roof' I thought might be a happier image since she's remembering brighter times. I thought by leaving out the last line it would indicate that she missed his embrace always, not just during the night.

She moves slowly now, but
remembers skipping down the road
with her friends at the end
of her lane when she was sixteen,
and how tired her mother looked
when she came home from work
in the evening.

IMO this verse is trying to compare how she moves now to the memory of how tired her mother was (I could be wrong so you may ignore *smiles*) so I thought rewording it might make that clearer.

Memories of skipping down the road
with friends at sixteen
have faded with the arthritis
that slows her down now,
enhancing the picture of how tired
her mother was at the end of each day.

With the last hallway done, she
empties her pail, then leaves her
mop to dry, and walks slowly
to her flat over the tailor shop.
Smells from the bakery nearby
make her hesitate at her door,
but exhaustion makes her go inside.
I'll make myself a cup of tea she thinks,
and then sits alone and cries.

The last hallway is done.
She puts her things away
and walks slowly to her flat.
Smells from the bakery cause hesitation,
but exhaustion takes her home.

'I'll make a cup of tea'...
then sits alone and cries.

As I said these are just suggestions so use what you can and toss the rest. Or toss the lot if need be. LOL

[Judi]

I want to thank everyone for their much appreciated suggestions, and I know you will all see some of your suggestions in the Revision...I know that because of you all, it has enabled me to do work that is much improved. I loves you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!Judi