On a summer evening, Escapology Options

[Terocon101]

On a summer evening

You and I cycle,
often side by side,
but with motor wary ears,
and my traffic weary eyes,
I'd rather take the lead than worry.

As we leave that tarmacadam'd town,
turning down The Grand Canal line,
that ill-fitting haste drops away,
and you and I
in peace
arrive.

We do not set a marker to return,
no limits, or future goals of any kind;
like the lock-house, by sleepy Ballycommon,
or the topsy-turvy tub of that old barge.

We simply cycle on
and it seems together,
we shall never tire.

I'm hypnotized by a glimmer,
and by the water rippling,
along a boulevard of towering beauty,
beech, oak, birch, chestnut
and you
and I cycling,
for a while wondering,
if we shall return,
from our summer evening cycle.

Original
[center]
A summer evening cycle

With fly-weary wary eyes
we cycle, I in front of you
sometimes side by side we glide,
when traffic and level ground allow.
But only when we leave the tarmacadam'd town,
turning down The Grand Canal line,
does that pace and haste all drop away,
and you and I in peace arrive.
We do not set a marker to return,
nor further future goal of any kind.
Like the lock-house we pass by sleepy Ballycommon,
or the topsy-turvy tub of that old barge.
We simply cycle on and on together,
and it seems together we shall never tire.
Hypnotized by the glimmering,
and by the water rippling,
along this boulevard of towering beauty,
beech, oak, birch, chestnut and yew.
And you and I cycling,
and for a while wondering,
if we would ever return,
from our summer evening cycle.

[bbnixon]

Hi Terry,

I love the serentiy of a riding a bike, when I grew up we lived in the country and I had an old Schwinn, and I would get on and ride across red topped dirt roads, wind blowing in my hair for miles...Your poem reminded me of that feeling of getting away, of being out of pocket, isolated form the day to day responsibilites. Very Cool beans. First, when I copied the poem over to crit, your formatting was lost. I think either center or left alligned would work. I myself have a preference for strophes, but like I said it might just be my preference, I will put my comments below in blue. My main comment is that it needs a trim, perhaps to many likes, and, I, we, yours. I am going to try to trim..

A summer evening cycle

With fly-weary wary eyes
we cycle, I in front of you,
sometimes side by side we glide,
when traffic and level ground allow.
not sure you need to say of you or we glide I also would consider starting with We cycle. Starting with a preposition weakens the poem, start with the declarative We cycle.
But only when we leave the tarmacadam'd town,
turning down The Grand Canal line,
does that pace and haste all drop away,
and you and I we in peace arrive.
love the thought of leaving the tarmacadam'd town, what a cool word.
This I would invert the sentences, the images before the set marker... perhaps like this
We simply cycle on and on together,
and it seems together we shall never tire
we pass the lock-house by in sleepy Ballycommon,
or the topsy-turvy tub of that old barge.
s]We do not set[/s] No seta marker to for our return,
nor further future goal of any kind. ( would lose either future or further)
Hypnotized by the glimmering,
and by the water rippling,
along this boulevard of towering beauty,
beech, oak, birch, chestnut and yew.
What glimmers..what type of water..river, lake? I like the nature, I am imaging beautiful lake surrounded by trees
And you and I ride cycleing
and for a while wonder ing,
if we would ever return,
from our summer evening cycle.


I hope that helps, as always these are just suggestions and you can take what you like and flush the rest.. I love the serenity of this poem.

Hope your day is very good

:) brenda

[Terocon101]

Hi Brenda,

I love the serentiy of a riding a bike, when I grew up we lived in the country and I had an old Schwinn, and I would get on and ride across red topped dirt roads, wind blowing in my hair for miles...Your poem reminded me of that feeling of getting away, of being out of pocket, isolated form the day to day responsibilites. Very Cool beans. First, when I copied the poem over to crit, your formatting was lost. I think either center or left alligned would work. I myself have a preference for strophes, but like I said it might just be my preference, I will put my comments below in blue. My main comment is that it needs a trim, perhaps to many likes, and, I, we, yours. I am going to try to trim..[/quote]

Thanks Brenda, I do like to get away from it at every possible opportunity, no different from anyone else I suppose. I agree its a little bit overflowing in places. Thanks for your edit I think its spot on.
A summer evening cycle

With fly-weary wary eyes
we cycle, I in front of you,
sometimes side by side we glide,
when traffic and level ground allow.
not sure you need to say of you or we glide I also would consider starting with We cycle. Starting with a preposition weakens the poem, start with the declarative We cycle.
But only when we leave the tarmacadam'd town,
turning down The Grand Canal line,
does that pace and haste all drop away,
and you and I we in peace arrive.
love the thought of leaving the tarmacadam'd town, what a cool word.
This I would invert the sentences, the images before the set marker... perhaps like this
We simply cycle on and on together,
and it seems together we shall never tire
we pass the lock-house by in sleepy Ballycommon,
or the topsy-turvy tub of that old barge.
s]We do not set[/s] No seta marker to for our return,
nor further future goal of any kind. ( would lose either future or further)
Hypnotized by the glimmering,
and by the water rippling,
along this boulevard of towering beauty,
beech, oak, birch, chestnut and yew.
What glimmers..what type of water..river, lake? I like the nature, I am imaging beautiful lake surrounded by trees...
I like all the suggestions you've made, I hope you dont think I'm lazy for not going through them one by one, lol, its just I agree with all of them and will be using some/most/all in a revision, thanks
And you and I ride cycleing
and for a while wonder ing,
if we would ever return,
from our summer evening cycle.


I hope that helps, as always these are just suggestions and you can take what you like and flush the rest.. I love the serenity of this poem.
Cheers Brenda, I never flush people's suggestions, maybe I don't use them at the time but I always keep them in mind for future ref. So thanks again. Check out the revision when I post, tell me what you think.

Have a good weekend!!!

Terry