Momentous Steps ~ Revised 5/11/07, Wizard Award Options

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Thanks everyone!


. .


Momentous Steps

At one you took momentous steps
and from that day you forged a dream...
You'd scoop up little hills of sand
to sculpt a fort with tiny hands
and bivouac army soldiers there.

Your thrill outran mobility
when seeking jeeps of camouflage;
sidestepping drums and wikiup,
you always ended bottom up...
with shining smile and impish flair.

A cadence now commands your steps;
distinctly military drums
with deep percussive rhythms start
to echo pride within your heart.
In tapping inner strength you dare

to march the hills of foreign lands
with liberty in fervent sight;
across the desert's palling sands,
an M-16 in able hands...
your eyes alight with freedom's flare.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright April 25, 2007



Momentous Steps ~ 4th revision

Upon discovering how to walk,
'my little one', you knew your way.
You'd scoop up every grain of sand
and build a fort with tiny hand
to bivouac army soldiers where

your thrill outran mobility
while seeking jeeps in camouflage.
Sidestepping drums and wikiup
you'd always end up bottom-up...
your eyes alight with impish flair.

A cadence now commands your steps
to distant military drums,
their deep percussive rhythms start
to echo pride within your heart.
In tapping inner strength you dare

to march against a foreign foe
with liberty in fervent sight
across the desert's blinding sands;
an M-16 in able hands...
your eyes alive with freedom's flare.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright April 25, 2007



Momentous Steps ~ 3rd revision

Upon discovering how to walk,
'my little one', you knew your way.
You'd scoop up every grain of sand
to fist into your tiny hand
and hide it with your teddy bear.

Your thrill outran mobility
when searching through the toys in sight;
sidestepping drums and wikiup
you'd always end up bottom-up...
your eyes alight with impish flair.

A cadence now commands your steps
to distant military drums,
their deep percussive rhythms start
to echo pride within your heart.
In tapping inner strength you dare

to march against a foreign foe
with liberty in fervent sight
across the desert's blinding sands,
an M-16 in able hands...
your eyes alive with freedom's flare.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright April 25, 2007

S1 L2 was 'my little man', you knew your way'
There are women in the service too so I changed this line so that any parent reading who has sent a son or daughter overseas might relate.

S3 L1 was 'A cadence now directs your steps'



Momentous Steps ~ 2nd revision

Upon discovering how to walk
my 'little man' knew his own way.
You'd scoop up every grain of sand
to fist into your tiny hand,
then scatter chair to chair.

Your thrill outran mobility
when searching through the toys in sight;
sidestepping drums and wikiup
you'd always end up bottom-up...
eyes bright with impish flair.

A cadence now directs your steps
to distant military drums
whose deep percussive rhythms start
to echo pride within your heart.
In finding your own way you dare

to march against a foreign foe
with liberty in fervent sight,
across the desert's blinding sands,
an M-16 in able hands...
eyes bright with freedom's flare.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright April 25, 2007


Momentous Steps ~ Original

You were my little man;
eager to find your way,
and you could find a grain of sand
to fist into your tiny hand
as you tottered from table to chair.

Thrill outran ability
while searching all in sight,
when sidestepping a sippy-cup
you then ended up bottoms-up...
eyes alight with mischievous flair.


You step now in cadence
to loud militant drums.
Their rhythmic beating will start
to echo the pride in your heart
and in finding your way you dare

to march against the foe
with liberty in sight,
across the desert's blinding sands,
an M-16 held in your hands...
eyes alive with freedom's flare.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright April 25, 2007

[Mary Boren]

Hi Cathy,

Eek, I hope I'm not one of those aforementioned heavy hitters. Certainly don't mean to be. As the new kid on the block, I apologize in advance if I overstep my bounds in critiquing. I only know one way to do it.

I'll bet the object of this poem loves this! Has he seen it yet?

You mentioned having more to add. If you're taking votes on that idea, count mine in favor of leaving it this length. I like the way you've tied the last lines to the first ones with sand. I think you could get off to a stronger start, though.

You were my little man

I dunno, it just seems I've read a thousand poems that opened with this line.

On the other hand,

and you could find a grain of sand
to fist into your tiny hand

This is fresh -- I like it. Not sure whether fist as a verb is grammatically correct, and "fist into hand" might be a tad redundant, but it creates such a crisp image that I'd say it's a good time to invoke poetic license regardless.

I tripped pretty hard on the sippy cup line. Have you considered having the fetching tyke trip on a toy drum instead, to portend the marching drum?

You also mentioned hoping the poem is rhythmical. It is. If you're happy with the rhythm(s), then my crit ends here so kindly disregard the rest. :)

But (pssst) Cathy, it's not metrical, which Webster defines as:

1 a : systematically arranged and measured rhythm in verse: (1) : rhythm that continuously repeats a single basic pattern <iambic meter> (2) : rhythm characterized by regular recurrence of a systematic arrangement of basic patterns in larger figures <ballad meter> b : a measure or unit of metrical verse -- usually used in combination <pentameter> -- compare FOOT 4 c : a fixed metrical pattern : verse form

The key word is pattern, which should be clearly established in the first few lines of a metrical poem. Though it was a little difficult for me to find on first read, your first stanza has an interesting metrical pattern, which I like.

YOU were my LIT tle MAN
EAG er to FIND your WAY
and YOU could FIND a GRAIN of SAND
to FIST in TO your TI ny HAND
as you TOT tered from TA ble to CHAIR

trochaic
trochaic
iambic
iambic
anapestic

Okay, so now I'm going to be expecting the rest of the poem to be predominantly to be predominantly trochaic/iambic/anapestic in that order. Oops, I'm not finding that pattern repeated. Not even close. Granted, scansion is subjective, but regional differences aside, I think for a majority of readers the stresses would fall something like this, give or take a syllable here or there:

THRILL OUT RAN a BIL i TY
while SEARCH ing ALL in SIGHT
when SIDE STEP ping a SIP py CUP
you then END ed up BOT toms UP
EYES a LIGHT with MIS chie vous FLAIR

you STEP now in CA dence
to LOUD MIL i tant DRUMS
their RHYTH mic BEAT ing will START
to ECH o the PRIDE in your HEART
and in FIND ing your WAY you DARE

to MARCH a GAINST the FOE
with LIB er TY in SIGHT
a CROSS the DES ert's BLIND ing SANDS
an M SIX TEEN HELD in your HANDS
EYES a LIVE with FREE dom's FLARE

I won't run the technical aspects completely into the ground by analyzing the feet in each line, but suffice to say they are a confusing mix.

I hope I've said something helpful. If not, again, please disregard. I think you're onto something with this theme.

-Mary