Midnight Sun [revised May 20], Wizard Award Options

[bbnixon]

Hi All,

Here is one perhaps more traditional than my last, would love everyones honest opinion.

:) brenda

Midnight Sun (version 4-tweaked on 5-20-07)

Shafts of light
pour down into white.
I sup on the absence
of color.
The silver wolf and I
feel the pull of the
moon calling us.

We howl.

Its ripe face chases us
from darkness into the lake
where cool still waters
mirror ashen bark.
My hand traces its glow,
a cup of moon spills through my fingers;
Ripples of sapphire, reflection of stars.

fae skimming water.

This is my magic place-
where at the age ten and one
I answered the call of the moon;
an affair whispered in mountain winds,
baptised in crystal waters. I cover myself
in a twinkling blanket of light.

One summer solstice
I became the watcher of a world
with many suns. Orange and violet
dance across the horizon.
The sun never rests.

Breaking all the rules

Midnight Sun (version 2)-thanks Merlin-I still need some help with the "the" in S3.

I am in love with the absence
of color.
Shafts of pure light
pouring down into the white.
I feel the moons pull.
I and the silver wolf

howl.

The full moon follows us
from darkness into the lake.
Paper white bark reflects
in the still cool water.
My hand traces the moon,
a cup of moon spilling through my fingers.
Ripples of water,
reflecting stars

fae skimming water.

This is my magic place
where it all began
at the age of ten and one.
I became one with the moon
the mountains, the water and
the stars.

On the summers solstice
in this magic place
I laid atop a camper.
A world with many suns,
orange and violet dance
across the horizon.
Watching the sun never set.

Breaking all the rules


Midnight Sun

I am in love with the absence
of color
pure shafts of light
pouring down into the white
I feel the pull of the full moon
I and the silver wolf
howl

the full moon follows us,
over the darkness
into the lake
surrounded by paper white bark
reflections in the still cool water
my hand traces the moon
a cup of moon spilling through my fingers
ripples in the water
reflection of stars
fae skimming water

this is my magic place
where it all began
at the age of ten and one
I became one with the moon
the mountains,
the water and the stars

on the summers solstice
in this magic place
I laid atop the camper
across the lake,
a world with many suns
orange and violet
watching the sun never set

breaking all the rules

[Merlin]

Hello BB,

I'm nobody's expert in this field, but in order to expand my own horizon, I'll be generous in my comments. Firstly, I'm from the old school where they still used punctuation. I find it a most beneficial tool in guiding the reader - in your case with the absence of all but 2 commas, I completely got lost several times. That causes me to lose interest as well. However, it's everyone's choice how to present their work.

Since this is a new area for me, I've done a lot of reading and researching to become informed. Line breaks seem to play a very important part in fv, especially since the structure is tossed away. You've broken some in places that make no sense to me; perhaps you could shed some light. Here >> paper white bark reflections , you break between bark and reflections, which seem to be a single item to me and better presented together. A different break would read better to me, such as
surrounded by
paper white bark reflections
in the still cool water
or something akin.

One thing I learned over in the R & M classroom is to watch the proliferation of "th" sounds, especially putting too many "the" into a line. I really try to keep that article to a bare minimum, and finding more than 1 per line catches my eye immediately. One has so many bits of color available to bring life into a writing, instead of resorting to the the the.

There tis.

Merlin