Nightmare's Chamber ~ Swap Quatrain, Revised ~ 6/20/07 (a complete turnaround) Options

[Guest_Cathy_*]

I did some refresh research on the Swap Quatrain and discovered that it should have iambic meter. Well... the last verse in the original didn't so it's been rewritten and a verse added. Let me know what you think please?

Nightmare's Chamber ~ Swap Quatrain (Revision 2)

As darkness spreads... a raven cries;
low-sailing sun turns red and dyes
the fading light with crimson threads.
A raven cries as darkness spreads...

When midnight drapes, dank chambers reek
of shadows, weary as they seek
lost souls who drift in moonlit crepes;
dank chambers reek when midnight drapes.

Pale silhouettes of mists ensnare
soft winds still whisp'ring unaware
of pending grief; a coronet
of mists ensnare pale silhouettes.

Sweet angels weep in ancient dreams
as thoughts presage prophetic themes.
Dark velvet eyes fear Satan's sleep
in ancient dreams; sweet angels weep.


The darkness fed... a raven cried;
the failing sun turned red and died.
As waning light to crimson bled,
a raven cried... the darkness fed.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Aug 2006



Revision 1

Nightmare's Chamber ~ Swap Quatrain

Sweet angels weep in ancient dreams
as thoughts presage prophetic themes.
Soft velvet eyes fear Satan's sleep;
in ancient dreams, sweet angels weep.

As midnight drapes, dank chambers reek
of shadows weary as they seek
lost souls who drift in moonlit crepes;
dank chambers reek as midnight drapes.

A silhouette of mist ensnares
the winds still whisp'ring unaware
of silent grief; a coronet
of mist ensnares a silhouette.

The darkness spreads... a raven cries;
low-sailing sun turns red and dyes
pale streaks of light with crimson threads.
A raven cries; the darkness spreads...

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Aug 2006

S3 L1 A silhouette of hope ensnares
L2 high winds still whisp'ring unaware
L3 for silent grief and deep regret
L4 of hope ensnares a silhouette


Original~

Nightmare's Chamber ~ Swap Quatrain

Sweet angels weep in ancient dreams
as thoughts presage prophetic theme.
Dark velvet eyes fear Satan's sleep;
in ancient dreams, sweet angels weep.

As midnight drapes, dank chambers reek
of shadows weary as they seek
lost souls who drift in moonlit crepes;
dank chambers reek as midnight drapes.

When comes the morrow - hearts implore;
yet winds still whisper Nevermore!
In silent grief and gripping sorrow,
hearts implore, when comes the morrow?

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Aug 2006

S1 L2 - as thoughts flow in prophetic theme
S2 L3 - for souls who drift in ghostly capes
S3 L3 - In silent grief and deepest sorrow
S2 L3 - 'for' to 'lost'
S1 L3 - dark velvet eyes who fear to sleep
S2 L1 & 4 'the' to 'dank'
midnight
weary
chamber(s)
angels
dreams
ancient
nevermore
morrow
velvet
prophet(ic)

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Liz,

Wow, you've met the expectations of the Ten Times Challenge with a fierce handle of this new form for you. Excellent work.

Thank you!

The subject is something I am fond of and how you've brought such lovely images of angels weeping, dark velvet eyes (great image)

Thank you again! *smiles*

The final stanza is applaudable. The ending brings closure and continuously works the strong images through to the final line to clearly state the meanings. I think you've done beautiful work with the swaping lines. It barely goes noticed, so smooth and affective.

I'm glad you thought they weren't too noticeable. I always worry about that when using repetition. I'm also glad you found the images to be strong and clear. Thanks!

Some thoughts to follow... Please use them or toss them, but either way... GREAT WORD WORKING!

Hugs, Liz

Thanks ... again! lol



QUOTE

Nightmare's Chamber ~ Swap Quatrain

I liked this title, because it draws the reader immediately into the knowledge that this dreamscape, enters the narrator into a chamber of sadness while in dream.

Thanks! This is one title I was happy with!

Sweet angels weep in ancient dreams
as thoughts flow in prophetic theme.
Dark velvet eyes who fear to sleep;
in ancient dreams, sweet angels weep.

L2, felt clumsey, slightly.
Perhaps... as thoughts become prophetic themes. This is a bit smoother!
Love that detail of dark velvet eyes. Nice and fresh painting.
Good swap, smooth and unintrusive... Thank you!

As midnight drapes, the chambers reek
of shadows weary as they seek
for souls who drift in ghostly capes;
the chambers reek as midnight drapes.

Again, great swapping lines. Not a nit here... great imagery. And thanks yet again! lol

When comes the morrow, hearts implore;
yet winds still whisper Nevermore!
In silent grief and deepest sorrow,
hearts implore, When comes the morrow.


It's not often I write a poem where I get these kinds of remarks and very few nits. I actually felt pretty comfortable with this one although I may make some minor changes. I appreciate your thoughts and will keep them in mind...

Thanks for dropping in~
Cathy