APRIL WIND Options

[Cybele]

Creaking inn signs, anchored on rusty chains,
whispering leaves in night-deserted lanes,
Soughing and sighing the wind keeps constant
vigil over her domains.

While raucous birds object at break of day
the trees are dancing wildly to her sway.
Whistling and whining the wind keeps constant
vigil over her domains.

At noon the sea is writhing and foam flecked,
the waves grow higher now with spume bedecked.
Roaring and raging the wind keeps constant
vigil over her domains.

At eventide small boats rush helter-skelter
into the safety of the harbour’s shelter.
Groaning and moaning the wind keeps constant
vigil over her domains.

When all forsake the day and trundle homewards,
When all is quiet and gathered safely inwards,
flurrying and hurrying the wind keeps constant
vigil over her domains.

“All rights reserved by Grace Galton as an unpublished work"



FIRST REVISION With thanks to Alan

Creaking inn signs, anchored on rusty chains,
whispering leaves in night-deserted lanes,
Soughing and sighing, the wind keeps constant
vigil over her domain.

The trees are dancing wildly to her sway,
while raucous birds object at break of day.
Whistling and whining, the wind keeps constant
vigil over her domain.

At noon the sea is writhing and foam flecked,
the waves grow higher, now with spume bedecked.
Roaring and raging, the wind keeps constant
vigil over her domain.

At eventide small boats rush helter-skelter
into the safety of the harbour’s shelter.
Groaning and moaning, the wind keeps constant
vigil over her domain.

When all forsake the day and trundle homewards,
When all is quiet and gathered safely inwards,
flurrying and hurrying, the wind keeps constant
vigil over her domain.

[Cybele]

Good Morning Sir Knight,

I am always astounded by your attention to detail Alan. I do so appreciate your input - even when I have to disagree with some of it!!:lol:

 
Your suggestions:

Without edit marks :


Creaking inn signs, hanging from their rusty chains;
whispering leaves in night-time lanes,
Soughing and sighing, April wind keeps a constant
vigil over her domain.

Anchored was used, not for a seaside connotation (this scene was deep in the  heart of the countryside), but as 'fixed or secured'
This then sets the scene in the countryside - the rest moves to the sea hence 'her domains'. But on reflection, perhaps domain would serve better. Maybe this explanation clarifies things a little?
I think I will keep the original version but drop the s.

The trees are dancing wildly to her sway,
While raucous birds object at break of day.
Whistling and whining, the wind keeps a constant
vigil over her domain.

L1 and L2 swap Good idea, I like that!

The rest stet.

At noon the seas are writhing, all foam flecked,
as waves grow higher, now with spume bedecked.
Roaring and raging, the wind keeps a constant
vigil over her domain.

Prefer original Alan.

Come eventide, small boats rush helter-skelter
to the safety of their harbours' shelter.
Groaning and moaning, the wind keeps a constant
vigil over her domain.

Come sounds awkward and a little contrived used in this context.
Prefer the original

When we forsake the day and trundle homewards,
And all is quiet, gathered safely inwards,
in a flurry and a hurry April wind keeps a constant
vigil over her domain.

Double 'all' is deliberate to show a completion of the days work.
Flurrying and hurrying convey the unceasing motion of the wind - as in each verse.

Grace, is there a particular reason for the line break which gives the short end line ? I'm inclined to put a comma after vigil, but not if it remains the first word in the line ! Feels a bit odd ..... Does this look too bad to you ? :

The short last line is deliberate to indicate a slight pause for a change of pace in the next stanza.

Creaking inn signs, hanging from their rusty chains,
whispering leaves in night-time lanes,
Soughing and sighing, the wind
keeps a constant vigil,* over her domain.

The above suggestion loses all its rhythm Alan, all the movement of the wind.

Hope some of this helps - if now, scatter to the winds .....

Love
Alan  

Off to revise now Alan.  I really do appreciate all your interest and help.

Love

Grace