As The Sun Sets ~ English Sonnet, 2nd Revision Options

[Guest_Cathy_*]

As The Sun Sets ~ 2nd Revision

The sun succumbs to slumber 'cross the sea,  
reflecting aura'd blaze of brisant hue;  
while creatures snuggle down in den or tree,  
to safely wait for dawn ... then rise anew.  

A robin seeks its nest to rest his wings,  
nocturnals challenge shadows of twilight.  
From arc to orb, the sky in silence sings,  
as shelter's sought beneath a star-filled night.  

A muffled world embraced by dew-flecked veil  
is rudely touched by chilling lustful breeze,  
then kissed by crystal raindrops formed as hail  
which cools the warmest heart with sudden freeze.  

Protection of your arms ... misunderstood;  
soft moon reveals a soul of bitterwood*.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Oct2005

As The Sun Sets ~ English Sonnet ~ 1st Revision
 
The sun will sleep in peace beyond the sea,
reflect its flaming pyrotechnic hues;
the creatures burrow with great esprit,  
kept safe until the dawn ... to rise anew.
 
The robins find a nest to rest their wings
nocturnals challenge shadows of twilight.
From crescent to orb, in beautiful rings,
security sought all through the long night.  
 
A quiet world embraced by dew-tipped veil
is softly touched by cooling lustful breeze,
then kissed by crystal raindrops filled with hail
to cause the warmest heart a sudden freeze.  
 
Protection of your arms; misunderstood
as moonlight shines down on the bitterwood* ...

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Oct2005

*South American tree with scarlet flowers, yields the bitter drug, Quassia.  




As The Sun Sets ~ English Sonnet

The sun will sleep in peace beyond the hills
when set in flaming pyrotechnic hue;
the flowers will fold their petals ... life still
will protect them 'til dawn, to rise anew.

The robins find hovels to rest their wings
while nocturnals seek challenge in the night.
The moonlight's crescent, in beautiful rings,
is not outshined by panaromic sights.

A quiet world embraced by dew-tipped veil
is softly touched by cooling lustful breeze,
then kissed by crystal raindrops filled with hail
to cause the warmest heart a sudden freeze.

The daylight soon fades, sadly it departs;
eclipsing devotion left in this heart ...

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Oct2005[/center]

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Merlin,

A very brief outline of sonnets –

There are 2 major branches of sonnets
1. English, which subdivides into
· Shakespearean
· Spenserian
· others

2. Italian, which subdivides into
· Petrarchan (variously spelt)
· Sicilian
· Others

Soooo many of them!  lol

Sonnets are written in iambic pentameter – 5 feet of iambs.  Variations are allowed, even advised, but kept to well placed minimums, as in beginning of sentences for example.  For now, let's settle for smooth iambic before going into the rest. That's good - simple first!  lol

Since you’ve styled your sonnet after the Shakespearean style, let’s ignore all others for the moment and go with that.  Your rhyme scheme needs to be ABAB CDCD EFEF GG.  The first 8 lines should set out a question, a conundrum, or something, and the last 4 lines will begin to conclude the first 8.  The final 2 are going to make a big finish to the whole.  ohhhh groan!

Your first 2 lines are superb, as Ron has already said.  After that, it gets bumpy.  Here’s where I must share some wisdom with you, given to us by our now deceased cyber friend and excellent poet, Jude Peet.  Her words were that there is always another way of saying things.  If the first doesn’t work, look for the alternate.

Your choice of the word “flowers” spells problems due to regionalisms.  Some pronounce it “flow-ers”, others as a single syllable “flowrs”.  It’s not a good one to put in there just yet.  I’ll suggest “blossoms.”  "blossoms" works

Let’s look at your L3 – and how it would scan.  the FLOW-ers will FOLD their PE-tals ... life STILL
Do you see the bumps? See 'em?  I can "feel" 'em!  lol I will suggest something along these lines:
the BLOS-soms FOLD their (TI-red) PE-tals STILL
[that’s tired, to make it easy]
Now we’re back into smooth iambic.

L4 - will protect them 'til dawn, to rise anew
Here you have 2 weak beats before getting to “tect” which is strong.  You could comma the preceding line, and continue something like this –
protecting them till dawn, to rise anew.  I've made a change to that line so I will check it out too.

There.  That’s quatrain 1 done.  Easy, what?  Take a look at the rest to see what you can do.  It needs to be done in your words, not mine.  Good hunting.  Ok, I'll see what I can do!  *smiles*

Merlin


Ps We'll need to attack the final 2 lines, the couplet.  No slant rhymes here are advised - it is the grand finale, and must be as powerful as possible.

Ok...and thank you!

Cathy