Inconstant Dream (new title), A cosmic fantasy Options

[Guest_Maxim_*]

Re-titled with intro added and some revisions (thanks to Amethyst):

For those who have wondered why the moon goes through phases;
           why a shooting star blazes; why the stars have formed shapes in the skies;
                      or if night is the time intended for dreaming, why lovers hold dreams in their eyes...

Inconstant Dream

When Dream, adrift in starlit skies,
first chanced upon the Dawn,
she slipped beneath the evening veil,
descending on a moonbeam's trail,
to greet that early Morn.
Remaining there in hidden guise,
she gazed out through young lovers' eyes
as each new Day was born.

As Moon and Stars full realise
that Dream was made to stray;
they call upon eternal Night
for aid, to remedy their plight,
against the light of Day.
Says Night, "No need oppose Sunrise,
for in your luster power lies
to beckon Dream your way."

To grow in size then Moon essays
and buffs his nimbus bright;
whilst Stars dance through their galaxies
and patternings designed to please
are drawn across the Night.
And Dream awaiting Day's first blaze,
enraptured by those lunar rays,
joins Stars' celestial flight.

Albeit serene, as Night now seems,
betimes Dream visits Day;
then Moon puffs out his brightest face
and Stars across the heavens race,
lest she is moved to stay.
For lovers, fewer daytime dreams,
yet in their eyes how Sunrise gleams
as Dream still drifts their way.

by MaXiM

Original

Night & Day-Dream

When Dream, adrift in starlit skies,
first chanced upon the Dawn,
she slipped beneath the evening veil,
descending on a moonbeam's trail,
to greet the early Morn.
There she remained in hidden guise,
gazing through young lover's eyes
as each new Day was born.

As Moon and Stars full realise
that Dream was made to stray;
they call upon eternal Night
for help, to remedy their plight,
against the light of Day;
says Night, "No need oppose Sunrise,
for in your luster power lies
to beckon Dream away."

To grow in size the Moon essays
and buffs his nimbus bright.
Whilst Stars dance through their gallaxies
and patternings designed to please
are drawn across the Night.
And Dream awaiting Day's first blaze,
enraptured by those lunar rays,
joins Stars' celestial flight.

Albeit serene the Night's skies seem,
betimes Dream visits Day;
then Moon puffs out his brightest face
and Stars across the heavens race,
lest she is moved to stay.
Now lovers seldom may daydream,
yet Sunrise glows with special gleam
when Dream drifts by that way.

[Guest_Maxim_*]

Hi Liz

"for aid, to remedy their plight."
Just a quick substitute for help. I think the line itself works well, with the pause, just the word help feels too rough or out of place. :)

I had previously selected 'help' over 'aid' as I thought it had a softer ending sound(?) - but on re-hearing I guess that the longer vowel sound is a better lead up to the pause and makes it more natural. So I will reconsider this.

the original "so lovers seldom may daydream' still has that stumble, I didn't see it last night at work.

I thought it was too good to be true before.   Thanks for your thoughts on this line - I have since tried a variation which I think may work without decapitating any iambs:

Albeit serene as Night now seems,
betimes Dream visits Day;
then Moon puffs out his brightest face
and Stars across the heavens race,
lest she is moved to stay.
For lovers, fewer daytime dreams;
yet in their eyes how Sunrise gleams
when Dream still drifts their way.

I also think I had to force the iambic meter more in the last line of the original?

Thanks again

Maxim