Garden of Eden, revised Options

[Guest_Nina_*]

Thanks to James for the comment he made which gave me the inspiration for this poem

Garden of Eden (revised with thanks to Cathy, Don and James)

Alluring winding lane
leads enticingly
to elegant splendour;
magnificent garden
in secluded enclave.

Lush trimmed lawns
border neat flowerbeds:
rich profusion
of flourishing flowers.

Rainbow colours
nestle proudly among  
rich green foliage.

Heady perfume
attracts brightly
coloured butterflies
flitting between blooms.

Sparkling-clear icy water
tumbles from majestic waterfall
into gently flowing stream.

Tranquillity surrounds.

I tread eagerly along
intricately patterned path,
venturing deeper
into magical garden:
unaware,
unsuspecting.

My mirror shatters:
paradise fractures into
deadly shards.

Illusion dissolves.

Withered, gnarled trees ,
become distorted headless bodies:
they tower menacingly above
barren, desolate landscape.

Spiders’ webs span
rusting jagged spikes;
lean brown rats
rummage rotting rubbish
on stony cracked earth

Dense dank fog lingers
over stagnant slimy pond:
death and decay
from every crevice.

Lured by childish trust
through false veneer of
beauty and enchantment:,
I’m trapped in
unrelenting, waking
nightmare…

Black reality





------------------------
Garden of Eden (original)

Alluring winding lane
leads me enticingly
to elegant splendour
of magnificent garden
in secluded enclave.

Lush trimmed lawns
border neat flowerbeds,
planted with rich profusion
of flourishing flowers.

Pinks, reds,
yellows, mauves
nestle proudly among  
rich green foliage.

Heady perfume
fills the air,
attracting brightly
coloured butterflies
who flit from bloom to bloom.

Sparkling icy clear water
tumbles from majestic waterfall
into gently flowing stream below.

Tranquillity surrounds me.

I tread eagerly along
intricately patterned path,
venturing deeper
into magical garden:
unaware,
unsuspecting

The mirror shatters:
paradise fragments into
deadly sharp,
glassy shards.

Illusion dissolves.

Withered, gnarled trees,
like distorted headless bodies,
tower menacingly above
barren, desolate landscape

Spiders weave webs
between rusting jagged spikes,
while lean brown rats rummage
amid rotting rubbish
on stony cracked earth.

Dense dank fog lingers
over stagnant slimy pond:
death and decay
emanate from every crevice.

Lured by childish trust
into false veneer of
beauty and enchantment:,
I’m trapped
in unrelenting,
waking nightmare.

Black reality


Nina

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Nina,

This was a shocking twist!  I was lulled into a sense of serenity
when suddenly my legs were knocked out from under me!

A few suggestions that may be tossed if you choose:
{omit}[add]

Alluring winding lane
leads me enticingly  entices me
[in]to elegant splendour
of magnificent garden[,]
{in}[a] secluded enclave.

Lush trimmed lawns
border neat flowerbeds,
{planted with} rich profusion
of flourishing flowers.  Nice alliteration.

Pinks, reds,
yellows, mauves
nestle proudly among  
rich green foliage.

Heady perfume
fills the air,
attracting brightly
coloured butterflies[,]
{who flit from} bloom to bloom.

Sparkling {icy} clear water
tumbles from majestic waterfall
into gently flowing stream {below}.Wouldn't it be assumed
the stream was below?

Tranquillity surrounds me.

I tread eagerly along
intricately patterned path,
venturing deeper
into magical garden:
unaware,
unsuspecting[.] Good use of alliteration.

{The} Mirror shatters:
paradise fragments into
deadly sharp, "deadly glass shards."  Glass shards would of course
be sharp so is that word needed?
glassy shards.

Illusion dissolves.

Withered, gnarled trees,
like distorted headless bodies,
tower menacingly above
barren, desolate landscape[.]

Spiders weave webs
between rusting jagged spikes,
{while} lean brown rats rummage
amid rotting rubbish
on stony cracked earth.

Dense dank fog lingers
over stagnant slimy pond:
death and decay
emanate from every crevice.

Lured by childish trust
into false veneer of
beauty['s] {and} enchantment{:},
I’m trapped
in unrelenting,
waking nightmare.

Black reality


Alluring winding lane
entices me
into elegant splendour
of magnificent garden,
a secluded enclave.

Lush trimmed lawns
border neat flowerbeds,
rich profusion
of flourishing flowers.

Pinks, reds,
yellows, mauves
nestle proudly among  
rich green foliage.

Heady perfume
fills the air,
attracting brightly
coloured butterflies,
bloom to bloom.

Sparkling clear water
tumbles from majestic waterfall
into gently flowing stream.

Tranquillity surrounds me.

I tread eagerly along
intricately patterned path,
venturing deeper
into magical garden:
unaware,
unsuspecting.

Mirror shatters:
paradise fragments into
deadly glass shards.

Illusion dissolves.

Withered, gnarled trees,
like distorted headless bodies,
tower menacingly above
barren, desolate landscape.

Spiders weave webs
between rusting jagged spikes,
lean brown rats rummage
amid rotting rubbish
on stony cracked earth.

Dense dank fog lingers
over stagnant slimy pond:
death and decay
emanate from every crevice.

Lured by childish trust
into false veneer of
beauty's enchantment,
I’m trapped
in unrelenting,
waking nightmare.

Black reality


Just something to consider, your choice of course.  *smiles*

Cathy