Merry? Go-Round Options

[Guest_Nina_*]

Merry? Go-Round (revised with thanks to James, Cathy and Fran)

Once gaily-coloured horse
on endlessly turning
merry-go-round.

Weather-worn,
paint peeling,
chipped,
scarred.

Surrounded by
noise,
bustle,
grime.

Genteel elegance
battered through time.

Fixed rigid:
limited movement
controlled from above  –
up, down,
round and round.

Trapped in never-ending circle;
weighted by burdens carried:
narrow existence.

Does it yearn to escape?
flex restricted limbs;
gallop off - different direction
far from its prison.

Light as a soaring swallow:
riderless,
         unencumbered,
                             independent,
                                                  free.



----------------------------------------------

Merry-Go-Round (original)

A once gaily-coloured horse
stands on endlessly turning
merry-go-round:
weather worn,
paint peeling,
chipped, scarred:
surrounded by noise,
bustle and grime:
genteel elegance
battered through time.

Rigidly fixed on its platform:
limited movement
controlled from above  –
up, down,
round and round:
trapped in never-ending circle;
weighed down by burdens carried:
narrow existence.

Does it yearn to escape -
flex restricted limbs;
gallop off in divergent direction
far from its prison cage;
light as a swallow soaring high:
riderless,
unencumbered,
independent,
free.


Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina.

My fav folk group - The Yetties (from Yetminster in Dorset, UK) do a fab song about the demise of The Punch and Judy Man. This is different but has a similar feel. But more optimistic in the end. Wonderful.

I spent ages trying to explain various suggestions and finally put them all in a suggested revision at the end.

You know the rest - as always, as you like it.

Many thanks for the read, J.

[b]Merry[?]-Go-Round

{A} once gaily-coloured horse
{stands on} endlessly turning [on]
merry-go-round:
weather worn,
paint peeling,
chipped, scarred:
surrounded by noise,
bustle and grime:
genteel elegance
battered through time.

Re-structuring suggested:

surrounded by:
noise,
bustle
grime -

genteel elegance
battered over time.


Rigidly fixed on its platform:
limited movement
controlled from above –
up, down,
round and round:
trapped in never-ending circle;
weighed down by burdens carried:
narrow existence.

Does it yearn to escape {-}[?]
{f}[F]lex restricted limbs{;}[...]

---------------------------------------

gallop off in divergent direction***

*** For me, this line doesn’t quite work...

You are talking about “A once gaily-coloured horse” (singular). So, unless it splits itself, it can’t gallop in divergent direction - which is plural, despite the lack of “S” - I think you mean different from simply going round? Also “off” seems superfluous - though, actually, for me it wrks as the horse dis-mounts the roundabout - hence “off”.

OK, what about something like:-

gallop away in any direction

?

-----------------------------------------

far from its prison cage;
light as a swallow soaring high:
riderless,

unencumbered,
independent,
free.

What about...

unencumbered,
                   independent,
                                     free.


Just an idea to show the horse galloping away?


===========================

OK, I’m losing the plot here so I’ll put all my ideas (and any more I think of) into a full suggestion:

(Watch my hyphenation - I hyphenate everything)
(Verse splits - you may wish to play with these, re-combine etc)

Merry? Go-Round

Once gaily-coloured horse
endlessly turns on
merry-go-round.

Weather-worn,
paint peeling,
chipped,
scarred.

Surrounded by
noise,
bustle,
grime.

Genteel elegance
battered through time.

Movements rigidly controlled
from above –
up, down,
round and round.

Trapped in never-ending circle;
weighed-down by burdens carried:
narrow existence.

Does it yearn to escape?
Flex restricted limbs;
gallop away - any direction,
far from prison.

Light as a soaring swallow:
riderless,
         unencumbered,
                   independent,
                                           free.[/b]