Moth and Flower Works, Poems in response to Alan's Challenge Options

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi,

I think this may be my first ever posting in this forum.

I'm not claiming that the following are brilliant and deserve no crit but I have other works I need crit for, so I'll just place these in here for the moment and if anyone would like to comment I'd appreciate that. I may / may not place them for crit at a later date. Thank you.

There were inspired by:

Alan's Poem

Based on a ten-word challenge.

I've only just done them, so no details yet - will add later.

The ten words are:

white; moth; found; wayside; flower; height; design; innocent; carried; satin

These are my two responses, hitherto...

© James Oxenholme, 2005. I, James Oxenholme, do assert my right to be identified as the author of these works in accordance with Sections 77 and 78 of The Copyrights, Designs And Patents Act, 1988. (Laws of Cymru & England, as recognised by international treaties). This work was simultaneously copyrighted in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and the United States of America. This work is posted as an unpublished work in order to elicit critical assistance, only.

Work A: (Minimalist)

White moth found
wayside flower:
innocent design
carried satin
within its height.

(end)


Work B: (Not so minimalist)

Satin moth glided
onto white flower,
embedded into
wayside height.

Within it, found
an innocent design
carried ecstasy.

(end).


Thanks for any comments!

James.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Fran,

Thanks for popping in. I'm not supposed to elicit crit on here and I wasn't. However, thanks for your comments anyway.

"embedded" works for me because, to me a flower is the whole plant. I would say that snowdrops are flowers - but I mean from root upwards. Now, as a biologist this will confirm all the unscientific views you have of me but that's what I meant.

Thanks for the very kind comments. All the best, James.