Obituary For A 20thC Boy, Crits Please. Thanks! Options

[Guest_Jox_*]

© Maxine Brockton, 2005. I, Maxine Brockton, do assert my right to be identified as the author of this work in accordance with Sections 77 and 78 of The Copyrights, Designs And Patents Act, 1988. (Laws of Cymru & England, as recognised by international treaties). This work was simultaneously copyrighted in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and the United States of America. This work is posted as an unpublished work in order to elicit critical assistance and other helpful comment, only.

Start Date: 29/10/2004 - Update: 30/06/2005
Revision thanks to: Alan, Grace, Daniel, Cathy, Butch, Lori and Nina.

Reference: MB 0197 AE

Obituary for A Twentieth-Century Boy
by Maxine Brockton

You were:

bitter
light
dark
sad
happy
concerned
fancy-free
sweet

Asteroids clatter among the Universe;
schoolchildren chatter going into class.
Shopkeepers retail their grandmothers;
undertakers detail precisely the hearse.

And so it goes round; no part too grand...
bit at a time; History reclaims her son.
Couple of beers; in drifts Sixties’ song:
Penny Lane cheers out across the sands.

What events between womb and earth?
No pretence of a linear progression -
staggering along; you did your best.
Puck on-song; you’re beaten by girth!

You:

hurt
healed
frowned
smiled
fought
made-peace
cried
laughed

and cried.

Ashes to ashes,
dust to dust,
Earth to Sun;
Universe to cinders.

Big Bang Number Two!
(Any number will do).
Rebirth!
But not us, my friend...

Let’s just hope
Buddhists are right
in the
very long run.

(end)

--------------------------------------------------------------------
References / Inspirations:

“Penny Lane” - The Beatles (Music)
“Across The Universe” - The Beatles (Music)
“Twentieth-Century Boy” - T.Rex (Music)
“Midsummer’s Night’s dream” - William Shakespeare (Play about Magic)
The Buddhist belief in re-incarnation (Religion)
The Christian burial ceremony (Religion)
The Big Bang theory - Astrophysicists (Science)
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Previous version on MM (there was an intermediate version which was not posted, too): MB 0197 AC

Obituary for A Twentieth-Century Boy
by MB

You were:

Bitter
Light
Dark
Sad
Happy
Concerned
Fancy-Free
Sweet

Asteroids clatter among the Universe;
Schoolchildren chatter going into class.
Shopkeepers retail their grandmothers;
Undertakers detail precisely the hearse.

And so it goes round; No part so grand.
A bit at a time; History calls back her son.
Couple of beers; in-drifts that Sixties’ song;
Penny Lane cheers out across the sands.

What events between womb and earth?
No pretence of a linear progression!
Staggering along; you did your best.
Puck on-song; you’re beaten by girth!

You:

hurt
healed
frowned
smiled
fought
made-peace
cried
laughed

and cried.

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Earth to Sun
Universe to Cinders

Big Bang No2!
(Ok, whatever number).
Rebirth!
But not us, my Friend...

Let’s just hope
The Buddhists are
right in the
Very Long Run.

(end)

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Lori,

Thank you very much for your kind and detailed crit. It certainly made me go-through the work carefully. I feel actually quite guilty at this point because I didn’t feel able to use as many of the points as I’d like to but what you offered was precisely why I came to MM.

Indeed, I accept my “stuff” can be hard to crit (I’m glad I don’t have to!) so I do understand that sometimes people kindly comment on the work, rather than crit. But I am very well aware that nothing I have ever written is perfect and much is zillions of miles from that so I do offer work for crit - and I always am grateful and take it very seriously.

I shall explain my thinking but if you - or anyone else - would care to explain to me why I’m wrong, I’m still listening!

Thank you for the kind comments.

>> I found this tile interesting, if not "in your face" personification.

Sorry, didn’t understand this.

>> These tiles are hard to crit, because most readers find them far too personal.

Nor did I understand this. The odd thing is that Alan thought this personal, too. Does that mean I was convincing or that readers bring assumptions to a poem. I’d love to think the former but...

Anyway, let me assure all that this is nor personal. I know no one to whom this could possibly refer as such. In fact, I meant the 20th Century boy to represent mankind as much as anyone in particular. The only personal aspect is, as with most poetry, it reflects my views in some way. Even then, some of it goes against those views, too.

>> BUT - we DO have an obligation to offer critique when we see something that could be even more refined, don't we? Taking my views aside, here is my offering for you to take or toss...

Absolutely. I’ll drink to that... this is a crit forum. If I didn’t want crit I would have put it somewhere else.

In detail...

=Bitter
=Light
=Dark
=Sad
=Happy
=Concerned
=Fancy-Free
=Sweet

>> Above, I would rather like to see the words flow together in a sentence-type stucture instead of just listed out - I haven't seen an obituary that does lists, but then again, I don't read them too often. Perhaps something like (without the caps too and perhaps italized)?

>> You were bitter, light, dark, sad, happy,
concerned, fancy-free and sweet...

I didn’t put the two line-outs just there... the line-outs are there to go slow: To go very slow. Like a funeral march. To make each word one to ponder over and for each to be a funeral drum-beat. If I put them on one line they (as you say) become a sentence - just a collection of items. Like taking a mouthful of food, rather than carefully chewing each item slowly. I’m not saying my line-out is the best way to do it. I did consider omitting a line between each item but that seemed to go too far.

And do you know, you picked up on this! Quote: “Above, I would rather like to see the words flow together” - you’re absolutely right; they don’t flow. So at least I did have some of the impact I meant to! Hope you don’t feel I’m being perverse; I only realised this after about thirty minutes of going through your crit. And, though  I’m sorry that you’d prefer them a different way, I am pleased that they have had the effect I wanted.

>>A bit at a time; History calls back beckons her son.
>>Couple of beers; in drifts that Sixties’ song; *No hyphen

I fully accept that beckons sounds better than “calls back” (which might be a tad clumsy) but your suggestion has made me dissatisfied with both! What I was trying to convey was an order (death orders, it doesn’t ask nicely). (Terrible word, “nice” etc!) so beckons doesn’t work. However, it does sound much better than “calls back” and “calls back” is too much pussy-footing too, methinks. So I’ll happily go with your one-word suggestion when I think of an appropriate one - or can anybody suggest one, please. I need a one-word version of “commands back” - which is a horrid phrase.

I can’t use just “orders” (or “beckons”) because they suggest progress, not regress. This is History which gave birth now claiming its own back - i.e. giving death. This is obviously going to be a big problem. Thanks for pointing it out. (I think!).

de-hyphen accepted - I hyphen too much.

>>What events between womb and earth? *not complete thought?
>>perhaps add the word sum?

Sorry, I didn’t understand this in either way. Why not a complete thought and where would “sum” go in?

The idea was to ask what happened between the time he (20thC boy) was born (womb) and when he was buried (earth - as in six-feet under - hence small “e” for earth, not capital “E,” as with the planet). Does that help?

=hurt
=healed
=frowned
=smiled
=fought
=made-peace
=cried
=laughed

=and cried.

Again with the above, I would rather like to see the words flow together in a sentence-type stucture instead of just listed out.
You hurt, healed, frowned, smiled,
fought, made peace, cried, laughed

>> and cried died.

Butch, Grace and you all say this - I certainly accept there must be a point. However, “died” is not it. I used “cried” again for two or three reasons. Firstly, because it rhymes with “died” and I thought people would expect “died” and, therefore “cried” would be more thought-provoking. Well that backfired! Secondly, to reinforce the message of crying that is part of the human condition. Thirdly, to mean two types of crying. The first is the external but the last is the internal crying that is so rarely seen by society. maybe “and silently cried” would overcome this problem - I was hoping to jolt thought with that second cried but I think I was too obscure. Thanks all who have commented on this point.

>>Big Bang No 2! [*space]
>>(Ok, whatever number). [*Don't think you need this line - detracts?]

"No2" is wrong - but I think a dot (No.2), rather than a space is correct.

Thanks I'll change that.

Does that line detract? Emm... You may well be right. However, if I do omit that then “Big Bang No.2” is meaningless isn’t it? I was trying to convey the modern (?) astrophysics theory that the Universe was created by a Big Bang, lives, dies then is re-born in another Big Bang, lives, dies, is re-born in Big Bang No.3 and so on. My problem is this... if I omit that line, No.2 acquires a special significance above its status. It is important because it is a second chance etc - but there will be more chances ad infinitum. So I don’t know what to do here.

OK, as soon as I can I’ll post a new revision at the top of this thread. Thanks all and especially Lori, for your crits - and any more will still be gratefully taken into account. Now, I just need a better, more forceful and single word for “Call-back“.

Thanks again, Lori - I know you're very busy and that thsi wasn't easy. Much for me to think on't and I am doing. Most helpful.

James.