A Mortician’s “Somber” Reflections **, Free-verse Options

[Ali zonak]

A Mortician’s “Somber” Reflections **

Cradle to grave, the destiny of man
is one from which there’s no escape
Born he was without teeth in his gums,
now it is the tooth of time that tears and gnaws.

Aging gracefully? Oh, such fleeting dream;
man finds himself a prisoner of old age.
Dogs may grow old without showing their age--
some ancient ones still run, but this one lies still.

Look--this shadow of man, once stout, his legs
are withered, stiff; the skin hangs loose
and saggy like that of a plucked goose;
his neck would be too weak to hold the head erect.

Once he was a youth with a full head of hair,
but now, one finds only one or two, maybe here
or there, not worthy of clippers and shears--
except for those bristles in nose and ear.
Well--at last he is beyond all earthly care,
yet I serve him by doing what I do best--
Hot diggity dang! Doesn't that guy looks great?

[JustDaniel]

Hi Daniel;
The "Somber" quotation marks were to suggest the mortician's sarcasm or cynicism. In a rewrite most of the inflection got lost and, therefore, the quotation marks no longer serve the intended purpose.

That makes a lot of sense, Ali. I know how re-writes can leave a few ashes. That clearly answers my question.

As to the rest of your suggestions, I am speaking of a single man, not several men laid out on the slab!

Of course you are. What did I say to make you think that I saw something different from that?!!

I'm not sure why the opening of this free verse would be too lecture-ish.

It's just my observation, Ali. That doesn't make it TRUTH. Just my perspective at this point.

If I were to make all the changes you suggest, the poem would no longer be mine but yours. I will keep it as is for now.

I only do critique in this manner to SHOW a possible change in perspective that may be possible with changing a few words. In this case, to make it more personal, like the mortician is talking to himself, as I thought you intended. One NEVER has to take ANY suggestion from a critique. I don't think any of what I showed you was anything but YOUR OWN WORDS, mostly changed from third person to first person.

Honestly, I don't believe in over-critiquing or nit-picking the new kid in the block--that I am.

As I said earlier to you, I certainly don't see you as a newbie writer. One person who was here some time ago stalked off because he thought we assumed he was inexperienced, and he was offended by that -- even though he wasn't even treated that way! Larry and I were perplexed by his reaction.

I'm not sure what "over-critiquing" is, so perhaps you could offer the particulars. I'm also not clear on what you consider nit-picking. Editing (which you said you needed) is, by nature, nit-picking. It's never criticism; merely sharing things like grammar, spelling, typos, etc.

Finally, I have to say, this elitist site is not for me--not just because of this incident, but a particular one in which I received a wishy-washy reply.

This site is anything but elitist. There isn't enough activity here to qualify for that. The most active two here welcome everyone who comes. As I told you, I'm ONLY here in the free-verse section because I don't like to see people getting no response. I've dedicated quite a number of hours just giving you attention, simply because you're new here. If my spending all that time makes me elitist, I'm afraid that I'm totally bamboozled!!

I have no idea who gave you a "wishy-washy" reply. I've had hundreds and hundreds of them over the years. It goes with the territory. Sometimes it's because folks don't have much time. Some folks are sick -- very sick. Some are busy elsewhere and just stop by for a visit. Anything is possible. Sometimes people don't initially connect with a piece and visit again after others exchange, then chime in with a better understanding.

Good-bye. Sincerely,
Ali

Respecting any decision that you make, but hoping this is not a good-bye.

deLighting in your sharing thus far, Daniel

[Ali zonak]

Hi Daniel;
about the wishy-washy statement? Poor choice of words, spoken too hastily. However, I do have a complaint: Larry made a somewhat erroneous statement, which was that my “short rondeau” was flawed, not only because I did not strictly stay within certain parameters, but had neglectedd to write the short rondeau in tetrameter. You and Larry are knowledgeable and therefore I thought Larry would offer an explanation regarding the tetrameter comment. Instead, you, Daniel, wrote a lengthy explanation that never touched on my question. That’s pretty much all I have to say about my harsh “wishy-washy” remark.
No, I can’t agree with your edit of my Mortician’s Somber Reflections, but that would be a matter of opinion, and I understand that one has a tendency to over-criticize. I have fallen into the same trap on another forum. While I am a newcomer to this forum (not really, lol), having written poetry for over 10 years, I am not a newcomer to this art. I have a website that you might visit https://www.jerrykspoetry.com/. Also, I have contributed to The Australia Poetry Magazine on a regular basis; therefore the mentioning of Maureen and the Magazine in my failed rondeau. So, my apology for the charade, and I know it’s best that I remove myself from this site. Thank you Daniel.