A Mortician’s “Somber” Reflections **, Free-verse Options

[Ali zonak]

A Mortician’s “Somber” Reflections **

Cradle to grave, the destiny of man
is one from which there’s no escape
Born he was without teeth in his gums,
now it is the tooth of time that tears and gnaws.

Aging gracefully? Oh, such fleeting dream;
man finds himself a prisoner of old age.
Dogs may grow old without showing their age--
some ancient ones still run, but this one lies still.

Look--this shadow of man, once stout, his legs
are withered, stiff; the skin hangs loose
and saggy like that of a plucked goose;
his neck would be too weak to hold the head erect.

Once he was a youth with a full head of hair,
but now, one finds only one or two, maybe here
or there, not worthy of clippers and shears--
except for those bristles in nose and ear.
Well--at last he is beyond all earthly care,
yet I serve him by doing what I do best--
Hot diggity dang! Doesn't that guy looks great?

[JustDaniel]

Greetings, Ali

Since you do ask for critique, I have several questions, observations and suggestions that you can take or toss without fear of offending.

First a question. Why do you place Somber in quotation marks. It seems totally unnecessary, unless I'm missing something in your intent.

I think your opening remarks seem too lecture-ish for a piece of free verse. And you haven't created the context for them, except in the title. May I suggest you make the whole thing more personal to the mortician by doing something like what I suggest here?

A Mortician’s “Somber” Reflections **

Here I am with another mortal on my bier.

Cradle to grave, the our destiny of man
is one from which there’s no escape[.]
Born, we were he was without teeth in our his gums[;](,)
now it is the tooth of time that tears and gnaws.

Aging gracefully? Oh, such a fleeting dream;
man finds himself We find ourselves a prisoner of old age.
Dogs may grow old without showing their age--
some ancient ones still run, but this one lies still.

Look--this shadow of a man, once stout, his legs
are withered, stiff; the skin hangs loose
and saggy like that of a plucked goose;
his neck would be was too weak to hold the his head erect.

Once he was a youth with a full head of hair,
but now, one we find(s) only one or two, maybe here
or there, not worthy of clippers and shears--
except for those bristles in his nose and ear.
[Stanza break]
Well--at last he is beyond all earthly care,
yet I serve him by doing what I do best--
Hot diggity dang! Doesn't that this guy look(s) great?

Again, please take or toss, in Light of personal choice, Daniel

[Ali zonak]

Greetings, Ali

Since you do ask for critique, I have several questions, observations and suggestions that you can take or toss without fear of offending.

First a question. Why do you place Somber in quotation marks. It seems totally unnecessary, unless I'm missing something in your intent.

I think your opening remarks seem too lecture-ish for a piece of free verse. And you haven't created the context for them, except in the title. May I suggest you make the whole thing more personal to the mortician by doing something like what I suggest here?

A Mortician’s “Somber” Reflections **

Here I am with another mortal on my bier.

Cradle to grave, the our destiny of man
is one from which there’s no escape[.]
Born, we were he was without teeth in our his gums[;](,)
now it is the tooth of time that tears and gnaws.

Aging gracefully? Oh, such a fleeting dream;
man finds himself We find ourselves a prisoner of old age.
Dogs may grow old without showing their age--
some ancient ones still run, but this one lies still.

Look--this shadow of a man, once stout, his legs
are withered, stiff; the skin hangs loose
and saggy like that of a plucked goose;
his neck would be was too weak to hold the his head erect.

Once he was a youth with a full head of hair,
but now, one we find(s) only one or two, maybe here
or there, not worthy of clippers and shears--
except for those bristles in his nose and ear.
[Stanza break]
Well--at last he is beyond all earthly care,
yet I serve him by doing what I do best--
Hot diggity dang! Doesn't that this guy look(s) great?

Again, please take or toss, in Light of personal choice, Daniel

Hi Daniel;
The "Somber" quotation marks were to suggest the mortician's sarcasm or cynicism. In a rewrite most of the inflection got lost and, therefore, the quotation marks no longer serve the intended purpose. As to the rest of your suggestions, I am speaking of a single man, not several men laid out on the slab. I'm not sure why the opening of this free verse would be too lecture-ish. If I were to make all the changes you suggest, the poem would no longer be mine but yours. I will keep it as is for now. Honestly, I don't believe in over-critiquing or nit-picking the new kid in the block--that I am. Finally, I have to say, this elitist site is not for me--not just because of this incident, but a particular one in which I received a wishy-washy reply. Good-bye. Sincerely,
Ali