Maneuvers (Revision2) Options

[RC James]

In the front yard of the small hacienda
three couples swing to the Sonidero,
their rhythmic evening cure.

At the mezcal table, downed bottles
in disarray, literary vaqueros revive,
with elan, their grandfathers’ stanzas.

A wispy woman, downplaying arrogance,
stuns the gathering’s hum-drum thought,
moves to the dancers, all intent on conquest;
her stride holds dark rhythms, rebellion.

In the last blush of light, as if expected,
Zapata appears with spurs jangling,
white horse at the gate.

He bows.

The elusive lady dances to history,
in homage to what might have been.

Revolution possesses the general;
inexhaustible, he senses victory.






(orig.)
In the front yard
three couples swing to the cure
of the Sonidero.
At the mezcal table
literary vaqueros testify
to their grandfathers' truths.

A wispy-thin woman
stuns hum-drum thought
as she approaches the dancers,
seduced by dark rhythms,
her movements deft rebellion.

In the last blush of light
Zapata's fantasma appears,
spurs jangling,
white horse at the gate.
He bows, she dances for history
as we wish we'd known it.

[Luce]

I also like that nod to history. I not only see Zapata but possibly Isodora Duncan as well. However, I think you're trying to hard to establish the setting for the ending lines:

In the front yard

Front yard? Maybe the plaza or a courtyard which is more Spanish-Mexican.

three couples swing to the cure

The couples may have been swinging but not necessarily touching each other. The upper classes perhaps but not peasant folk. Also, there were dances for men and dances for women. A few they can dance together but not with a whole lot of actual touching.

of the Sonidero.

I never heard of the sonidero being popular during the Mexican revolution. The Mariachi - yes.

At the mezcal table
literary vaqueros testify
to their grandfathers' truths.

I think you're trying too hard here. In the end you're describing drunk Mexican cowboys swapping stories of their grandfathers' day. To further infer the time period of Zapata, you may want to change the cowboys for campesinos instead who are just drinking and talking about everyday things.

A wispy-thin woman
stuns hum-drum thought
as she approaches the dancers,
seduced by dark rhythms,
her movements deft rebellion.

Not quite sure what stunned the audience? You don't describe it. Also, I get the feeling that you're describing Isadora Duncan here. If not, you should think about it.

Note: Isadora Duncan was born around the same time as Zapata and she did travel to South America roughly near that time. You can perhaps hint more heavily that the dancer was her.

In the last blush of light
Zapata appears, spurs jangling,
white horse at the gate.
He bows, she dances for history
as we wish we'd known it.

So what would be history as we'd like to have known it in the end? That Isadora and Zapata hooked up?