Maneuvers (Revision2) Options

[RC James]

In the front yard of the small hacienda
three couples swing to the Sonidero,
their rhythmic evening cure.

At the mezcal table, downed bottles
in disarray, literary vaqueros revive,
with elan, their grandfathers’ stanzas.

A wispy woman, downplaying arrogance,
stuns the gathering’s hum-drum thought,
moves to the dancers, all intent on conquest;
her stride holds dark rhythms, rebellion.

In the last blush of light, as if expected,
Zapata appears with spurs jangling,
white horse at the gate.

He bows.

The elusive lady dances to history,
in homage to what might have been.

Revolution possesses the general;
inexhaustible, he senses victory.






(orig.)
In the front yard
three couples swing to the cure
of the Sonidero.
At the mezcal table
literary vaqueros testify
to their grandfathers' truths.

A wispy-thin woman
stuns hum-drum thought
as she approaches the dancers,
seduced by dark rhythms,
her movements deft rebellion.

In the last blush of light
Zapata's fantasma appears,
spurs jangling,
white horse at the gate.
He bows, she dances for history
as we wish we'd known it.

[Critter]

In the front yard
three couples swing to the cure
of the Sonidero.
At the mezcal table
literary vaqueros testify
to their grandfathers' truths.

A wispy-thin woman
stuns hum-drum thought
as she approaches the dancers,
seduced by dark rhythms,
her movements deft rebellion.

In the last blush of light
Zapata appears, spurs jangling,
white horse at the gate.
He bows, she dances for history
as we wish we'd known it.

Quick comments...
I like this, great ending.
Not crazy about the opening line...does not measure up to the rest, even "courtyard" maybe but I am not sure... also" seduced by dark rhythms" seems a bit cliché. I am sure you can do better. But I like this, visual, romantic, and provocative...good job