A Door to Curiosity REVISION #1 **** CRIT WELCOME, variation on a sonnet, from a challenge Options

[JustDaniel]

In case you're curious, Sylvia suggested that I post this here from the challenges:

REVISION #1 ... Thanks, Larry and Lori!



A Door to Curiosity

Walking the halls of his high school last week,
suddenly his curiosity peaked.
something made his curiosity peak.
Daybreak now peeked from a place that he swore
Daybreak peeked in from a place where he swore
he'd never noticed a door there before!
he'd never noticed a doorway before!

Faintly a song had emerged from the mist
seeping out underneath... and it is locked.
seeping out under the door... which was locked.
Still in a shock, he looked 'round to enlist
Nearly in shock, he looked 'round to enlist
help to gain entrance to where he had knocked.

No one was there, so he battered and kicked
'til he became so worn out, he sat down
right where he was, heaving hard; he was licked....
Suddenly out of the space came a clown

mocking the man like Uriah the Heep.
mocking the rube like Uriah the Heep.
Thoroughly humbled, he woke up from sleep.
Thoroughly humbled, I woke from my sleep.

© MLee Dickens'son 2013

from a challenge to use the words: daybreak, song, mist and shock... and the phrase: He'd never noticed a door there before.

[Larry]

Hi Daniel,

Welcome back from your holiday. Sorry it was in a "dead zone".

Okay, using my most critical eye, here are the things I noticed through a few reads. They are, as always, TOT suggestions.

Larry


Walking the halls of his high school last week,
suddenly “something made” his curiosity peaked.

This gets rid of the near-rhyme of “week/peaked” and one of the two instances of using “suddenly” in the same sonnet.

Daybreak now peeked “in” from a place that “where” he swore

(getting rid of present-tense “now” where most of the poem is in past-tense form and changing “that” – a definite article to “where” indicating a place.)

he'd never noticed a door there before!

Faintly a song had emerged from the mist
seeping out underneath... and it is “was” locked. (again, from present to past-tense)
Still in a shock, he looked 'round to enlist
help to gain entrance to where he had knocked.

No one was there, so he battered and kicked
'til he became so worn out, he sat down
right where he was, heaving hard; he was licked.
Suddenly out of the space came a clown

mocking the man like Uriah the Heep.
Thoroughly humbled, he woke up from sleep.

[JustDaniel]

Hi Daniel,

Welcome back from your holiday. Sorry it was in a "dead zone". Okay, using my most critical eye, here are the things I noticed through a few reads. They are, as always, TOT suggestions. - Larry


Walking the halls of his high school last week,
suddenly “something made” his curiosity peaked.

This gets rid of the near-rhyme of “week/peaked” and one of the two instances of using “suddenly” in the same sonnet.

Daybreak now peeked “in” from a place that “where” he swore

(getting rid of present-tense “now” where most of the poem is in past-tense form and changing “that” – a definite article to “where” indicating a place.)

he'd never noticed a door there before!

Faintly a song had emerged from the mist
seeping out underneath... and it is “was” locked. (again, from present to past-tense)
Still in a shock, he looked 'round to enlist
help to gain entrance to where he had knocked.

No one was there, so he battered and kicked
'til he became so worn out, he sat down
right where he was, heaving hard; he was licked.
Suddenly out of the space came a clown

mocking the man like Uriah the Heep.
Thoroughly humbled, he woke up from sleep.

All your observations are apt, Larry. I'd TRIED to formulate a continuous present within the past, but obviously I failed in that. I've taken ALL of your suggestions and made a few other changes.

I'd appreciate especially your comment on the significant change I made to the end... in addition to a few other minor tweaks.

deLighting in your carefulness, Daniel