50 Seconds of Fame *(miniscule revision), **** Critique appreciated Options

[JustDaniel]

50 Seconds of Fame

Bang! Gary strides ahead.
Second turn, out 5 yards
Breaks for the inside,
gracefully leading the pack.

My countdown begins.
I pace nervously, dancing.

Straightaway. Jim crouches, ready
20, 10, GO! Reach back!
Uproar . . . 5 additional yards!
Switch hands, stretch, go!

Just 90 seconds now
Body-twists, deep breaths

Frank to the line
Watch the mark, 4 steps
Don’t look!
Applause, yelling . . . 6 more yards!

Sweat pants off, shirt to Gary
Breathe, stretch, relax
More dancing, hands shaking

All alone at the corner!
Ready, tension . . . he hits the mark!
Step, step, step, step, twist, grab, go.
Everyone standing . . . perfect pass.
20 yards becomes 25.
Hold on. Push . . . a rush
Fear, chills, flashes
Cheers . . . a tear?

Crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch
Reach deep, stretch long.
Don’t look back!
Ignore the pain!
100 yards of corner, dig
Use momentum; accelerate.

Everything . . . no one . . . alone
sound suspended, slow motion.
Tape extended! Dig in, push, chest out . . .

Screaming! Yessss
Arms flailing, hands to my head
Coast to a staggering walk
Hugs, shouts, a victory lap together.
“3.6 seconds off Tacoma's City record!”

50 seconds of fame in 1963 . . .
now gone, yet vivid, forever.

© MLee Dickens'son


*revision: last line added ",yet vivid,"

[Larry]

Hi Daniel,

I don't usually comment on free verse but the title caught my attention because of the additional 35 seconds. or maybe that is 15 minutes of fame? Anyway, I had no trouble recognizing the mile relay and may I say, for a high school event, 27 seconds off the world record is not a bad time and would hold up in most schools as a record to this day. This of course is assuming that all four of you had completed your laps in that same 50 second.

As far as your poem, I loved it and could feel the anticipation, the effort and final joy you experienced from start to when you hit the tape at the finish line.

Thanks for sharing a wonderful memory of your childhood with us and one last thing... Records are made to be broken but the importance of setting one will never diminish in your mind.

Larry

[JustDaniel]

Hi Daniel,

I don't usually comment on free verse, but the title caught my attention because of the additional 35 seconds. or maybe that is 15 minutes of fame?

Yes, Larry. That was definitely my intended allusion. Glad that was clear to you.

Anyway, I had no trouble recognizing the mile relay; and may I say, for a high school event, 27 seconds off the world record is not a bad time and would hold up in most schools as a record to this day. This of course is assuming that all four of you had completed your laps in that same 50 second.

[ I think I was just over 50 seconds, and the others weren't far off, none over 53 seconds, as I recall. ]

As far as your poem, I loved it and could feel the anticipation, the effort and final joy you experienced from start to when you hit the tape at the finish line.

I'm very pleased that you entered into it with me, my friend.

Thanks for sharing a wonderful memory of your childhood with us, and one last thing... Records are made to be broken but the importance of setting one will never diminish in your mind.

Larry

Thank you for your observations, Larry... and your final one has moved me to attempt a small revision of the final line. I'm wondering whether you think that captures what you recognize in your closing comment.

deLighting always in your insight, Daniel