50 Seconds of Fame *(miniscule revision), **** Critique appreciated Options

[JustDaniel]

50 Seconds of Fame

Bang! Gary strides ahead.
Second turn, out 5 yards
Breaks for the inside,
gracefully leading the pack.

My countdown begins.
I pace nervously, dancing.

Straightaway. Jim crouches, ready
20, 10, GO! Reach back!
Uproar . . . 5 additional yards!
Switch hands, stretch, go!

Just 90 seconds now
Body-twists, deep breaths

Frank to the line
Watch the mark, 4 steps
Don’t look!
Applause, yelling . . . 6 more yards!

Sweat pants off, shirt to Gary
Breathe, stretch, relax
More dancing, hands shaking

All alone at the corner!
Ready, tension . . . he hits the mark!
Step, step, step, step, twist, grab, go.
Everyone standing . . . perfect pass.
20 yards becomes 25.
Hold on. Push . . . a rush
Fear, chills, flashes
Cheers . . . a tear?

Crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch
Reach deep, stretch long.
Don’t look back!
Ignore the pain!
100 yards of corner, dig
Use momentum; accelerate.

Everything . . . no one . . . alone
sound suspended, slow motion.
Tape extended! Dig in, push, chest out . . .

Screaming! Yessss
Arms flailing, hands to my head
Coast to a staggering walk
Hugs, shouts, a victory lap together.
“3.6 seconds off Tacoma's City record!”

50 seconds of fame in 1963 . . .
now gone, yet vivid, forever.

© MLee Dickens'son


*revision: last line added ",yet vivid,"

[JustDaniel]

Hey, Maureen and Liz...

Thank you both for your visits. Your reactions both are very heartening that I've evidently communicated the excitement and exhilaration of this event.

I see that I must rework something in the piece to make the specific EVENT more clear. I only hint at it here, in that there are obviously four persons (Gary, Jim, Frank and myself), thus some kind of a relay event (note the baton). The 50 seconds should point to a quarter-mile run at a high school level... and in this case it was the mile relay, with each person running a quarter mile... and I was the anchor man.

Again, I think I need to give a clue or two more to clarify this.

deLighting in both of your nudges, Daniel

P.S. Liz, you're right in a sense about the fact that the 50 seconds are not totally gone. In fact, some years ago, my then-brother-in-law reminded me that along with his trio, he broke our record two years later as the anchor man!! He'd not been on the team when I graduated.