A light Autumn's Haze Options

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

A light Autumn's Haze

Haunted by the ghosts of Falls gone
past and those yet to arrive.
This Autumns quintessential day fills me up.

My morning with a soft lakeside mist
full with the aroma of smoke ended embers,
half-eaten hot dogs, and Oak and Hickory.

Where we dabble our toes amongst the
dark stars, quiet breathing memories, rocket ships,
cherished friends, apple cores and kisses.

It was a day like this some thirty years ago
we tried it all for the first time.
And now the last V's are herding us home.

It's been a day of brass beams breaking through clouds,
sun is purpling the late sky and a distant train echoes
like an oboe quartet calling out the stars.

16 Aug ,2010
© Steve Pray

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Liz, welcome back full force...what a wonderful critique. You have found some things that I missed, and maybe need to expand upon. I think with the first stanza all you have done is interchange fall and autumn, and I don't see a big difference in which is first listed. Oh the title change seems ok not sure why the dropping of the s would be that important.
My morning with a soft lakeside mist
full with the aroma of smoke ended embers, filled quickly with....to replace full with????? I kind of like to keep that first line.
half-eaten hot dogs, Oak and Hickory.

Where we dabble our toes amongst the
dark stars, quiet breathing memories, rocket ships, memories are still alive so are still breathing not breath taking ok?
cherished friends, apple cores and kisses

Perhaps (only if I am getting what might be said)

Thirty years ago; a day much like today- was when we(you and I) first tried all these wonderful things for the very first time, ie our first kiss, etc,,, and yes now the V's of (ducks, geeese, use your imagination.) are herding us home.

Could rearrange the last stanza so it is like your suggestion...
I hope this helps your understanding and that you can get more specific in your critique.

Take Care
hugs
Steve