Summer in Cincinnati [revised 11 Sep 2010], metered verse Options

[heartsong7]

2nd revision:

The soaring temperatures preceding solstice
evaporated spring again this year,
with heavy handed heat that saps your soul
and leaves it draped across the sweat-soaked sheets.

While thick, dank darkness drains into your dreams,
it stifles all desire and hampers sleep.
When morning finally comes, a languid mist,
negates all hope the spell’s inclined to lift.

When steamy midday shuttles in its sour
white-hazed air, it steals your breath and leaves
you feeling limp and listless. By twilight
you’re longing for a cooling breeze to brush
across your naked body like a leaf.



revision:
Summertime in Cincinnati...

Where temperatures preempt the summer solstice,
evaporating spring again this year,
with heavy handed heat that saps your soul
and leaves it draped across the sweat-soaked sheets.

While thick, dank darkness drains into your dreams,
it stifles all desire and hampers sleep.
Then morning, dripping in a moldy mist,
negates all hope the spell’s inclined to lift.

When steamy midday shuttles in its sour
white-hazed air it steals your breath and leaves
you lazy, limp and listless. By twilight
you’re longing for one brief cool breeze to brush
across your naked body like a leaf.





Original:
A Summer in Cincinnati Is...

Where, earlier than the solstice every year,
the summer is announcing its arrival;

where heavy handed heat will sap your soul
and leave it draped across the sweat-soaked sheets;

where thick, dank darkness drains into your dreams
to stifle all desire and hamper sleep.

where morning, dripping in a moldy mist,
negates all hope the spell’s inclined to lift;

where steamy midday shuttles in its sour
white-hazed air to steal your breath and leave
you lazy, limp and listless. By twilight
you’re longing for one brief cool breeze to brush
across your naked body like a leaf;

where sometimes sudden storms bring sweet relief.

[heartsong7]

Thanks for some great food for thought Jim.
Lots to think about.
I enjoy the use of blank verse in a sonnet form as a change. The goal is to include internal rhyme and enough enjambment that the lack of end rhymes will not distract. Others that I've read usually end in a rhymed couplet.
Perhaps, if I want to keep this intact, (which I do) I should refrain from tagging it as a sonnet and just call it "metered verse"
I'll be working on smoothing this out.
Sue

Hi Steve,
I sure appreciate that you took the time to read and offer your comments on this.
I hope you are feeling better. Stay cool.
Sue