Reviving the Corps ***, Mostly Iambic Shakespearean Sonnet Options

[Michelle]

Reviving the Corps - (working title)


Revision #1 w/edit


A rancid undertone pollutes the breeze,
so subtle it eludes our busy noses.
The stench has grown by miniscule degrees
without our note, unless we’re smelling roses.

What rotting corpse corrupts and taints the air,
from north to south, from western coast to east,
from fruited rural vale to city square?
Our constituted freedoms are deceased.

Tin cups are beat to make a shackle cuff
and safety nets entrap domestic fish
for confiscated tax is not enough
to satisfy a socialistic wish.

America, wake up! It’s time to stand
for freedom’s torch is slipping from your hand.




Original


A rancid undertone pollutes the breeze,
so subtly alluding busy noses.
The stench has grown by minuscule degrees
without our note, unless we’re smelling roses.

What pungent body rots and taints the air,
from north to south, from western coast to east,
from fruited rural vale to city square?
Our epitome of freedom is deceased.

Tin cups are forged to make a shackle cuff
and safety nets can hold domestic fish.
No confiscating tax is quite enough
to satisfy a socialistic wish.

America, wake up! It's time to stand
for freedom's torch is passed into your hand.

[Michelle]

Thank you, Jim, for putting aside our political differences for the sake of the craft. I should have realized that poetry is 'liberal' arts. (smiling) I honestly didn't mean to be controversial. It has been years since I've written a poem. I was ecstatic to have finished this.

All of your comments have helped me. I've taken most of your suggestions:

I've changed alluding to elude. I've kept 'busy noses' for a couple of reasons. In these modern time, imo, we live busy lives, destrasting lives, too much stimuli. Also, imo, government is imposing itself more and more into our daily lives and I was hoping to connote this.

I changed minuscule to miniscule, but kept 'unless we're smelling noses' for the connotative value. I'm relying on the adage 'take time to smell the roses. When I slow down enough to think about life, there some thing that just feels wrong with America and in this case it 'smells wrong'.

I changed line 5 just as you've suggested. Thank you so much.

In line 8, 'constitued' is absolutely brilliant. Thank you again.

I couldn't do much with line 10 - the 'safety net' is important imo. It amazes what we, as people, will give up voluntarily for safety sake.

I've strengthened L14. Thank you again for your good advice.

I appreciate your time and effort with my poem. Your nobility and passion for poetry inspires me.

with greatest respect,

Michelle