Reviving the Corps ***, Mostly Iambic Shakespearean Sonnet Options

[Michelle]

Reviving the Corps - (working title)


Revision #1 w/edit


A rancid undertone pollutes the breeze,
so subtle it eludes our busy noses.
The stench has grown by miniscule degrees
without our note, unless we’re smelling roses.

What rotting corpse corrupts and taints the air,
from north to south, from western coast to east,
from fruited rural vale to city square?
Our constituted freedoms are deceased.

Tin cups are beat to make a shackle cuff
and safety nets entrap domestic fish
for confiscated tax is not enough
to satisfy a socialistic wish.

America, wake up! It’s time to stand
for freedom’s torch is slipping from your hand.




Original


A rancid undertone pollutes the breeze,
so subtly alluding busy noses.
The stench has grown by minuscule degrees
without our note, unless we’re smelling roses.

What pungent body rots and taints the air,
from north to south, from western coast to east,
from fruited rural vale to city square?
Our epitome of freedom is deceased.

Tin cups are forged to make a shackle cuff
and safety nets can hold domestic fish.
No confiscating tax is quite enough
to satisfy a socialistic wish.

America, wake up! It's time to stand
for freedom's torch is passed into your hand.

[heartsong7]

Hi Michelle,
A brave topic and while I don't agree with the message, I applaud your effective delivery of it.
I too was confused as to whether you intend "corps" or "corpse"
Also as to "allude" I would have thought "elude" fits the intent as I understood it and I know there is often confusion between the two.
“Allude” and “elude” are frequently misused in place of each other, even though they’re about as different as broccoli and ice cream.

“Allude” means to refer to something in a casual or indirect way. Michelle alluded to my tardiness by glancing at her watch when I arrived. My wife alludes to her birthday a week in advance by leaving a Things-I-Want list on the refrigerator.

“Elude,” on the other hand, means to avoid or escape from by quickness or cunning. Justin eludes the police by hiding in a bush. I eluded the school bully—and a wedgie—by ducking behind the principal’s car.

Make sure to use these words correctly in your writing. Otherwise, picky agents and editors may try to elude you.

I think Jim has offered some good suggestions. I'll be very interested in others' takes on this one.
Welcome back!
Sue