Reviving the Corps ***, Mostly Iambic Shakespearean Sonnet Options

[Michelle]

Reviving the Corps - (working title)


Revision #1 w/edit


A rancid undertone pollutes the breeze,
so subtle it eludes our busy noses.
The stench has grown by miniscule degrees
without our note, unless we’re smelling roses.

What rotting corpse corrupts and taints the air,
from north to south, from western coast to east,
from fruited rural vale to city square?
Our constituted freedoms are deceased.

Tin cups are beat to make a shackle cuff
and safety nets entrap domestic fish
for confiscated tax is not enough
to satisfy a socialistic wish.

America, wake up! It’s time to stand
for freedom’s torch is slipping from your hand.




Original


A rancid undertone pollutes the breeze,
so subtly alluding busy noses.
The stench has grown by minuscule degrees
without our note, unless we’re smelling roses.

What pungent body rots and taints the air,
from north to south, from western coast to east,
from fruited rural vale to city square?
Our epitome of freedom is deceased.

Tin cups are forged to make a shackle cuff
and safety nets can hold domestic fish.
No confiscating tax is quite enough
to satisfy a socialistic wish.

America, wake up! It's time to stand
for freedom's torch is passed into your hand.

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Hi, Michelle,

I doubt that we would ever agree politically, but we can set that aside for the sake of the craft.

Reviving the Corps

A rancid undertone pollutes the breeze,
so subtly alluding busy noses.
The stench has grown by minuscule degrees
without our note, unless we’re smelling roses.

in line 2 above, 'alluding' should be 'eluding' but both have the wrong stressing to keep this iambic and you lose the extra syllable needed to agree with line 4. Not sure about 'busy noses' either - are you suggesting busy-bodies here? Were this mine, and it's not, I might have gone with something to develop 'undertone' and start to hint at the 'treason' implied; how about something like 'so subtly passing over loyal noses'?

in line 3, 'minuscule' should be 'miniscule'

Line 4's 'unless' is a bit weak since I suspect what you mean is that stuff under the bush. I think you can develop your argument by substituting 'too busy' here - hinting at false optimism.

What pungent body rots and taints the air,
from north to south, from western coast to east,
from fruited rural vale to city square?
Our epitome of freedom is deceased.

'body' in line 5 is preparing us for line 8's 'deceased', I suppose - I might strengthen that image a little by using 'corpse' eg 'what rotting corpse corrupts and taints the air', that would also bring alliteration into your corner.

in line 8, 'epitome' has the wrong stressing and I find it less than convincing. Perhaps something like paragon/ champion or, if you really want to go for the jugular, 'Constituted' and pluralise 'freedom'.

Tin cups are forged to make a shackle cuff
and safety nets can hold domestic fish.
No confiscating tax is quite enough
to satisfy a socialistic wish.

This is a good stanza but line 10 doesn't really flow from line 9; perhaps something like 'and nets are cast to catch domestic fish'.

America, wake up! It's time to stand
for freedom's torch is passed into your hand.

In a piece like this the couplet really has to be memorable and I feel the last image is too weak, perhaps 'falling from' rather than 'passed into'?

Yours to use or lose of course,
Jim