Balboa Summers- modified Options

[anaisa]

Revision- tweaked and chopped ;-)


Balboa skies are deep wisteria
tonight, Tony's bar is set aglow
in strands of light. Beach Boy songs
float honeycombed around the bungalows,
where errant palms wave offerings
beneath pale summer stars. The flow
of tide beyond the pier retrieves a rhythmic
water-tune. Although I never stay until
the restaurants close, or dance inside the bars—
I still remember cigarettes and halter tops,
dampness of an evening chill;
the stinging sunburn from an august day
revealing tenderness, when peeled away.


first one

Balboa skies are deep wisteria
tonight, and Tony's bar is set aglow
in strands of yellow lights. Faint Beach Boy songs
float honeycombed around the bungalows,
where front yard palms wave errant offerings
beneath pale summer stars. The cadenced flow
of tide beyond the pier is sloshing out
a distant, rhythmic water-tune. Although
I never stay until the restaurants
have closed, or dance inside the bars— I still
remember cigarettes and halter tops
inviting dampness of an evening chill.
The stinging sunburn from an August day
and tenderness, when all is peeled away.

[Alan]

Dear Karen,

Hmmm. Third time through, I got it ! Very fine writing, good sonnet.

Coupla points for you to toss, or ... ?

L3, for some reason strands seems the wrong word, how about strings ? Strands lack continuity, while a string would indicate the horizontal.

L4, Bungalow singular may not be memory-accurate, but the S in this case really spoils the rhyme

L7 sloshing threw me right out of the poem, a harsh sound, with suggestions of being drunk, which, although you may well have been, does not seem to be part of this poem ! How about slopping, which for me also carries resonance of beating ? Oh dear, slopping out also means something else though. Beating out ?

Love
Alan

[anaisa]

Hi Alan,

Thanks for going over it. I sort of took it apart and think I like it better now,
I will repost it and you can have a look. It really was a "cheater sonnet" anyway-
I mean, only every other line rhymed...I was a bit lazy.
Glad you liked it so far.

K