Balboa Summers- modified Options

[anaisa]

Revision- tweaked and chopped ;-)


Balboa skies are deep wisteria
tonight, Tony's bar is set aglow
in strands of light. Beach Boy songs
float honeycombed around the bungalows,
where errant palms wave offerings
beneath pale summer stars. The flow
of tide beyond the pier retrieves a rhythmic
water-tune. Although I never stay until
the restaurants close, or dance inside the bars—
I still remember cigarettes and halter tops,
dampness of an evening chill;
the stinging sunburn from an august day
revealing tenderness, when peeled away.


first one

Balboa skies are deep wisteria
tonight, and Tony's bar is set aglow
in strands of yellow lights. Faint Beach Boy songs
float honeycombed around the bungalows,
where front yard palms wave errant offerings
beneath pale summer stars. The cadenced flow
of tide beyond the pier is sloshing out
a distant, rhythmic water-tune. Although
I never stay until the restaurants
have closed, or dance inside the bars— I still
remember cigarettes and halter tops
inviting dampness of an evening chill.
The stinging sunburn from an August day
and tenderness, when all is peeled away.

[merle]

Hi Karen -

Lovely writing Karen. I think we all look back at our youth with fondness and longing, even the times when we were burned. The only line that threw me was...Although I never stay until the restaurants have closed...it didn't seem to flow like the rest of your poem. In my head I wanted to read it as...Although I never stay until the restaurants close.

Robin

[anaisa]

Hi Robin,

Thanks for reading it, and I'm glad you like it ;-)

The line in question...I guess if you pronounce "rest aurants"
as a 2 syllable word--which most of us do, then your way sounds better.

But I used it like this:

res·tau·rant

and if you drag out the word a little, I think it works.

K