A Hand Up (Tweaked, thx Alan), Sonnet Options

[Mary Boren]

I hesitate to post another poem with two still on the board, but since things are kinda slow I hope it will be OK to start workshopping this one while those slide on down. On this day of Thanksgiving, I'm counting my blessings (including new friends here at MM), and near the top of the page is ...

A Hand Up

A cattle trailer stops, my scooter swerves ...
but not enough. Within a blink, my wrist
is shattered, zapping tendons, muscles, nerves
and vital ligaments. They're sorely missed.

A hundred years ago, there would have been
two choices: cut it off or let it dangle,
a shriveled, lifeless paw. Now, skillful men
and women have the know-how to untangle
a royal mess. Through microsurgery,
the bones are reconstructed. Months and days
of exercise, massage and therapy
work wonders, proving optimism pays.

They gave a hand. I'll raise it as a sign
of readiness to serve. It's God's, not mine.

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Original L4
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and ligaments. They would be sorely missed.

[Alan]

Dear Mary,

I am no expert, but the 2x would in L4 - 5 jar, as does the "months and days". I know that suite the rhyme, but somehow it is an illogical inversion. Is it that it introduces pathos ? Days and months sounds serious, this does not.

Also, "it's God's" is awkward to me. Too many 's's's's es, if you see what I mean !

Otherwise a valiant effort which I am sure will result in an excellent sonnet.

Love
Alan