Flowers Make You Cry, songet Options

[Thoth]

Flowers Make You Cry

Take 2

A mountain gladiolus, like the sunrise,
held me in her passion years ago.
Her fiery kisses scorched my youthful heartstrings
till I cried.
Eventually I broke and let her go,

I found a lotus lily sadly wilted,
nursed her back to joy with tender play
then lost my soul within her mystic eyes
of north-sea cloud,
and died the day she took her love away.

A silver rose more lucid than the moonlight
remade my heart beneath a desert sky,
she fetched my soul and pointed me to life
beyond tomorrow -
but vanished when I turned to ask her why.

In evening light I see my battered life
on barren ground
with thistledown and nettles scattered round.

---------

Properties of the symbols;

* Though beautiful, wild glads are poisonous - deadly to the root.
* Lotus flowers intoxicate with a heady addictive essence. (a mind drug)
* The white rose is spiritually pure. ( the flower in S3 is actually an angel)
* Loyal thistledown, beneath the prickles gives comfort and warmth.
* Nettle (a healing herb)provides protection to those hardened to its stings.
Note: Both thistle and nettle are tough and can survive arduous conditions
-----------------------------------------------
take 1
A mountain gladiolus, like the sunrise,
held me in her passion years ago.
Her fiery kisses scorched my tender heartstrings
till I cried.
Eventually I broke and let her go,

I found a Celtic lily lost and wilted,
nursed her back to joy with tender play
then lost my soul within her mystic eyes
of north-sea cloud,
and died the day she took her love away.

A pale rose more lucid than the moonlight
found my heart beneath the desert sky,
she fetched my soul and pointed me to life
beyond tomorrow
but vanished when I turned to ask her why.

In evening light I see my battered life
on barren ground
with thistle down and nettles all around.
-

© WW Schwim 24 November 2009

[Thoth]

Thank you Mary for reading and your critical eye as expected had rooted out some interesting issues.

I hadn't spotted the rep of "tender" that slipped in. The first is meant to be tender in age while the second instance meand gentle.

"Heartstrings" is very predictable I agree and I will work on that.
"pale" was wobbly for me too. It was "yellow" but thatdidn't suit the night image so perhaps "silver" would work as the flower in this verse is a spirit. I dunno?

The form is a derivative I developed that is very lyrical and emotional. I use it when feeling melancholy. The heptameter lines stick out though (as you discovered) so I usually clip them for aesthetics. Dropping the harsh abab scheme allows much more freedom and wider spaced rhymes don't shout at you as in a classic sonnet.

Glad it reached you, and thanks for the feedback.

Hugz,

Wally




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