The Eleventh Hour of the Eleventh Day, X 10 for November 7th bySekhmet Options

[Sekhmet]

The Eleventh Hour of the Eleventh Day (1st revision)
Thanks Mary, Allan & Wally



Still they spawn those noble words;
those antique tales, that ancient story;
ringing out in Trojan ears; that
paean for death - or foreign glory.


'Here we stand!' - and - 'Here we fall!'
'They shall not pass !' 'The flag still waves!'
Democracy we'll give Iraq -
consigning thousands to their graves.

Loud, their pledge - 'We won't forget!'
Mouthed by men who never fought.
Heads held high, our young men march,
their youth and vigour brought to naught.

Still great men lay their poppy wreath; of
blood-soaked flowers, to hide beneath.





Still they spawn those noble words.
That antique tale ; that ancient story.
It rang out in the ears of Troy;
a peon to death - or foreign glory.


'Here we stand, and here we fall!'
'They shall not pass!' A flag to wave.
Freedom and peace we'll give Iraq;
yet send ten thousand to their grave.

And now, their pledge - 'We won't forget!'
Mouthed by men who never fought.
With heads held high, the young men go;
their youth and vigour brought to naught.


Still great men lay their poppy wreath,
with arrogance beyond belief.

10 Challenge Words used: Peace/freedom/noble/ grave/held/stand/wave/foreign/defend/glory

[Mary Boren]

What's an inversion Mommy?

Ha! Okay, sweetie, let me just fasten your bib and then I will tell you a tale of Yoda-speak. Love I you.

Inverted speech is simply backwards-talking. It is common in ye olde verse because people actually talked thataway, but today it generally signals a lazy poet twisting syntax to achieve a convenient rhyme. That is clearly not the case here, because you could just as easily have said, "We'll give Iraq democracy" without disturbing your rhyme scheme, so I'm guessing you were aiming for a loftier tone with it. I have seen instances where inversion is used to good effect, but this is not one of them. It is a specialized tool that should come out of the box only rarely into the hands of a highly trained technician.

Quoting Judie Peet, a dearly beloved departed poet friend known to some here for her passion and unfailing patience in mentoring budding poets, "There is always another way to say a thing." There is much to be gleaned from her archived challenge threads, even yet.

You found another way in S1 to the improvement of the poem. I suggest you move S1/L3's "that" and the couplet's "of" to the lines below, and rethink all those hyphens. I'm a little bothered by the image of them hiding beneath the wreaths -- behind, maybe, but then you must choose whether to sacrifice sense for sound. Would you consider "blood-soaked blooms" for alliteration as well as meter?

I'm reassured by your return to this, as I was wondering if my critique was too blunt.

Mary