Faithful Autumn (Final Draft-Thanks Wally, merle & all) Options

[Maggie]

Faithful Autumn (Final Draft . Thanks Wally, Merle & all )

Tomorrrow’s never certain.
It's always been that way,
but one thing I am sure of
is Autumn came today.

A nippy wind is blowing
the leaves from our oak tree,
and squirrels bury acorns;
that's how the fall should be.

Embracing as a sunset,
predictable as tide;
my faithful friend, Autumn,
has come back to abide.

Peggy Carpenter Harwood


Faithful Autumn (Revision 4- Much thanks Wally, merle & all)

Tomorrow’s never certain.
It's always been that way,
but one thing I am sure of
is Autumn came today.

A nippy wind is blowing
the leaves from our oak tree,
and squirrels bury acorns;
that's how the fall should be.

All things are set in order;
wild geese are on the wing.
There's comforting assurance
which returning seasons bring.

Embracing as a sunset,
encompassing as a tide;
my faithful friend, Autumn,
has come back to abide.

Peggy Carpenter Harwood



Faithful Autumn (Revision 3 Rough Final Stanza)

Tomorrow is never certain.
It's always been that way,
but one thing that I know,
Autumn came today.

A squirrel buried an acorn.
That's how it's meant to be,
and a nippy wind is blowing
leaves from the water oak tree.

Regular as the sunset,
faithful as the rising tide,
my old friend Autumn
has come to abide.

All things are in order.
Wild geese on the wing.
Autumn's comforting assurance
makes my very soul sing.



Faithful Autumn (Revision 2 Rough final stanza)

Tomorrow is never certain.
It's always been that way,
but one thing that I know
is Autumn came today.

Saw a squirrel bury an acorn.
That's how it's supposed to be,
and a nippy wind is blowing
branches on the water oak tree.

As regular as the sunset
and as faithful as rising tide
my old friend Autumn
has come to abide.

Now all things are in order.
Wild geese are on the wing.
Autumn's comforting assurance
makes my very soul sing.





Thank you merle for pointing me back to my own feelings about autumn, and thank you everyone for all the help!!! I just jotted down a very rough start for a poem with ballad rhyme which concentrates on the comfort and reassurance of a returning season.


Faithful Autumn (Revision 1)

Tomorrow is never certain.
It's always been that way,
but one thing that I know
is Autumn came today.

Saw a squirrel bury an acorn.
That's how it's supposed to be,
and a nippy wind is blowing
limbs of the water oak tree.

As regular as the sunset
and as faithful as rising tide
my old friend Autumn
has come to abide.

unfinished. . .




Autumn Images (Original)

A nippy chill flows on the breeze.
Squirrels bury acorns under trees.
Geese fly south through the sky.
Pumpkins ripen in fields nearby.

Leaves speckle woodlands red and gold.
Mums and pansies are being sold.
One's old jacket comes in handy.
Children's thoughts focus on candy.

First frost nips a summer flower.
Clocks fall back to gain an hour.
Thanksgiving is just beyond the bend.
Welcome, Autumn, my old friend!




Peggy Carpenter Harwood

[Thoth]

Hello Peggy,

Nice to see you writing again. I hesitated commenting before but to someone who has helped me so many times in the past, it would be remiss to not return the courtesy.

Oh, we poets always feel the romantics in everything, especially the seasons, change of seasons and even the weather. Autumn is always a topical favourite and brings for sheer enjoyment to many.

This sketch leaves a warm fuzzy feeling in spite of the foreboding signs of winter around the corner. I am not looking for anything profoundly huge or radically different in a rhyme such as this, but all the same do I believe the reader must come away fulfilled. I know you are not comfortable in this form but (as you have done for me) I will simply not allow a poet of your proven abilities to get away with it.

It is the poet’s duty to make full use of the allotted space. In this respect, I see some opportunities that have been missed. Please permit me to illustrate with S1;

I would advise looking for any redundancy and replace with extra adjectives to enhance the image, then re-read looking for obvious statements that could be removed. Bear in mind, the majority of your readers will have rich memories of autumn. All you need to do is stimulate those imaginations.

Autumn's Annual Arrival (Title; everyone l knows autumn arrives annually so it states the obvious)
A nippy chill flows on the breeze. (Nippy & chill mean very nearly the same so at least one is redundant)
Squirrels bury acorns under trees. (ok, but lets see if it can compliment a revision better)
Geese fly south through the sky. (Snow geese fly but through the sky and swim but on the lake)
Pumpkins ripen in fields nearby. (again, it is too obvious a statement unless they ripen on the shelf - useful image though)

Each line is a sentence and statement or thought. Would you do this in a prose piece? I think not - too choppy. Rhyme is no different.

Lets see how these issues can be addressed with a little editing. I dropped the line of "chilly breezes" and concentrated on the more dramatic image of the geese departing. It could have gone any direction but after a few minutes I ended up with;

When Autumn Arrives (The title foreshadows the subject)
Wild geese depart (our summer guests)
and hoarding squirrels grist their nests;
o'er fields of blushing pumpkins fly
their pulsing vee through stippled sky.

Do you see? The five stand-alone statements you had before have blended into one compound flowing image.

Not ideal yet I agree but it is the process of “try/fit/change something” that you need to apply. Thank God for computers! Sometimes you get into a dead end and have to go back so always keep the older drafts. I sometimes end up with a dozen or more versions before consolidating so don’t be scared to play to your hearts content.

I hope this helps in some small way. If I am out of line, please forgive me.

Hugzzz,

Wally