Rings of Circumspection [revised 03 Oct 2009], (Falling paeonic couplets) Options

[Thoth]

This was inspired by Alice's Haiku. (I can complicate anything) W


Rings of Circumspection

Rev1

There’s a woman bent and weeping
from her harbour mirror peeping,
who although she’s smiling bravely
sees her daughter frowning gravely.

Silver ripples on the water,
smile at me oh mothers daughter,
laughing eyes have changed to sighing
turned to those of someone dying.

Evening shadow fills the harbour;
be my grave, my silver arbour.
Cleanse me with your liquid stillness;
end my fears and heal my illness.

There’s a young girl knelt and weeping
through a liquid mirror peeping
and her tears corrupt perfection
spreading rings of circumspection.


Orig;

There’s a woman bent and weeping
from her harbour mirror peeping,
who although she’s smiling bravely
sees her daughter frowning gravely.

Silver ripples on the water,
smile at me oh mothers daughter,
laughing eyes have turned to sighing
turned to those of someone dying.

Evening shadow fills the harbour
be my grave, my silver arbour
cleanse me with your liquid stillness
end my fears and heal my illness.

There’s a young girl knelt and weeping
through a liquid mirror peeping
and her tears corrupt perfection
spreading rings of circumspection.


Photo by WW Schwim 2009

[Maggie]

Hi again Wally,

Sorry I took so long getting back to you! Was having my computer upgraded for a while.

After reading you poem a couple more times, I find that you only have one stanza that seems to need a bit of corrected punctuation. See below. As luck would have it, every single line in this stanza is a complete thought and should be punctuated either (1) with periods at the ends of all the lines and capitals at the beginning of all the lines or (2) semi-colons at the ends of all the lines except the last line with no capitals at the beginnings of the lines except the first line. Another option I just thought of: (3) You could mix up the semi-colons with one internal line having a period at the end. I used option number 3 below.

Evening shadow fills the harbour;
be my grave, my silver arbour.
Cleanse me with your liquid stillness;
end my fears and heal my illness.

Hope this is of some help. Have a good day!!!

Also, in referring back to Cleo's mention of two "turned's" perhaps too close together, could you use "changed" for one of the "turned's"?

Peggy