Rings of Circumspection [revised 03 Oct 2009], (Falling paeonic couplets) Options

[Thoth]

This was inspired by Alice's Haiku. (I can complicate anything) W


Rings of Circumspection

Rev1

There’s a woman bent and weeping
from her harbour mirror peeping,
who although she’s smiling bravely
sees her daughter frowning gravely.

Silver ripples on the water,
smile at me oh mothers daughter,
laughing eyes have changed to sighing
turned to those of someone dying.

Evening shadow fills the harbour;
be my grave, my silver arbour.
Cleanse me with your liquid stillness;
end my fears and heal my illness.

There’s a young girl knelt and weeping
through a liquid mirror peeping
and her tears corrupt perfection
spreading rings of circumspection.


Orig;

There’s a woman bent and weeping
from her harbour mirror peeping,
who although she’s smiling bravely
sees her daughter frowning gravely.

Silver ripples on the water,
smile at me oh mothers daughter,
laughing eyes have turned to sighing
turned to those of someone dying.

Evening shadow fills the harbour
be my grave, my silver arbour
cleanse me with your liquid stillness
end my fears and heal my illness.

There’s a young girl knelt and weeping
through a liquid mirror peeping
and her tears corrupt perfection
spreading rings of circumspection.


Photo by WW Schwim 2009

[Thoth]

Hey Ron,
Thanks for stopping in.

Dear Thoth,
To me, your falling paeonic couplets sound like they could easily fit a tune. Sing-song in poetry is to me poetry's real essence.
Maybe it's because I can't read music or carry a note.
It may be true that this form is better suited to a happy theme, but for me its rolling ripples raise a smile.
Cheers, Ron jgdittier
ps- ever write one in anapests with the feminine rhymed couplets?

Damm I just can't seem to write a sad tune to the words, and no I haven't tried anapests with the feminine rhymed couplets before. Would it go something like this?

And she sang as she walked from the river
with a bag full of fish to deliver,
now her boys would be wearing new trousers
and the girls shall be sporting gay blouses.

By Jove, I do believe it's quite musical but could do better in ballad form.

Cheers

Wally