AWAKE ALONE(DPC) Options

[Guest_Dan Culleton_*]

Awake and Alone (revised 8/3/09)

I live alone in a room on East Broadway in America.
It is raining here and the damp intrudes upon
the remembered warmth of this room. The cold
and the silence are your arms reaching for me.
You are in a country now from which there is no escape.
I search the faces in the street for some message from you.
No one meets my gaze. There is an arctic distance between us
which makes all frozen Russia seem a few feet of sun-baked beach.

I wait impatiently at my window for the long black car to arrive,
for the uniformed chauffeur, so silent, polite, to come for me.
I grind my teeth in the dark,
and the clock on the dresser grinds
which measured our nights with such speed:
you keep me awake at whose side I have slept so soundly.

[Thoth]

Stark reality and despair pour from this piece!
I love how the clips of past memories are pasted in with current activity, it shows how the narrators mind is constantly on his lost love.. The "chauffeur, so mute in his black suit, " is very clevere indeed.

A few nits and some polish needed mostly already spotted by Mark and ace but for me if you could flow the statements and images into each othe more.
Some suggestions to loose or use as you wish;
Note words in red can be deleted.

Best, Wally.

I I live alone in a room on East Broadway.
It is raining here and the cold intrudes (redundant)
upon the remembered warmth of this room. (very good intro)
The cold and the silence are your arms reaching for me.
(Together, )We have traveled through many countries.(and shared ??
(but now)You are (trapped) in a country now from which there is no escape.

All (Each) day I search the faces (of people) in the street,

(Forever hoping someone brings a) message from you.
No one meets my gaze.
There is A cold distance (grows) between us now which makes
all of frozen Russia seem a (like) few feet of sun-baked beach.
All day I wait impatiently at my window for the long black car to arrive.
For the chauffeur, so mute in his black suit,
to hold the door open politely and drive me away. (I love the analogy)
All night I grind my teeth in darkness,
and (while) the clock on the dresser
which once measured our nights with such speed, slowly grinds (on or time.)

You keep me awake at whose side I slept so soundly.

(You could try re-arranging so;)

"You, at whose side I once slept so soundly, now keep me awake."