AWAKE ALONE(DPC) Options

[Guest_Dan Culleton_*]

Awake and Alone (revised 8/3/09)

I live alone in a room on East Broadway in America.
It is raining here and the damp intrudes upon
the remembered warmth of this room. The cold
and the silence are your arms reaching for me.
You are in a country now from which there is no escape.
I search the faces in the street for some message from you.
No one meets my gaze. There is an arctic distance between us
which makes all frozen Russia seem a few feet of sun-baked beach.

I wait impatiently at my window for the long black car to arrive,
for the uniformed chauffeur, so silent, polite, to come for me.
I grind my teeth in the dark,
and the clock on the dresser grinds
which measured our nights with such speed:
you keep me awake at whose side I have slept so soundly.

[Marc-Andre Germa...]

Dan, I find this to be an engaging and touching piece. The simple & straightforward tone makes it poignantly honest and sincere. And there are some well-crafted visuals and tropes here. I've added a few comments below. I hope they help.

Mark

Awake Alone

I live alone in a room on East Broadway.
>>The address is a good move, I like to know where I am as a reader.
It is raining here and the cold intrudes
upon the remembered warmth of this room.
>>It could be more vivid here, but I'd be careful to preserve the tone of the narrator.
The cold and the silence are your arms reaching for me.
>>This oxymoron line throws me off somewhat, or makes me pause. I'll think that one over.
We came through much together, through many countries.
>>Pure cliche, I'd change the first phrase.
You are in a country now from which there is no escape.
All day I search the faces in the street for some message from you,
no one meets my gaze.
>>Hm, who is the "messenger"? Could this be foreshadowed or be the foreshadow of in another line or two?
There is a cold distance between us now which makes
all of frozen Russia seem a few feet of sun-baked beach.
>>A nice simile, I like it.
All day I wait impatiently at my window for the long black car to arrive,
for the chauffeur, so mute in his black suit,
to hold the door open politely and drive me away.
>>Simple, but effective. Perhaps an extra detail, you know...that one which no one notices but somehow manages to call a whole scene to mind...
All night I grind my teeth in darkness,
and the clock on the dresser grinds
>>Great sound effect here...the clock on the dresser grinds....brilliant move!
which once measured our nights with such speed.
You keep me awake at whose side I slept so soundly.
>>The last two lines round off the poem nicely. Thanks for sharing this excellent read.