Sad Commentary On Aging, Revised Options

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Sad Commentary on Aging

Revision

On the corner,
of Fifty Seven, Second Avenue,
is a blue house,
with red and yellow trim.

There's a chimney where you can see the white smoke
billowing out into the cold winter's air,
layering soot, fallow upon the deep snow.

The old man that lived there,
always wore plaid shirts and blue jeans;
children out playing, their cheeks all pink and rosy,
were witnesses to his changes,
his increasing anger and bellowing
when they would all run across his front yard.

They thought it fun, and giggled and laughed at him
cause he was old and slow.

Until last Wednesday when he shot
Billy Prescott's red haired head off with a shotgun.

Now the old man's in prison and the white snow's all red,
and the children,
they're catatonic and kept in their bed.

revised 25 July, 2009
© Steve Pray


Original

There's a house there on the corner
of Fifty Seven, Second Avenue.

It's a blue one
with red and yellow trim.

It has a chimney where you can see the white smoke
billows out into the cold winter's air.
Layering soot, fallow upon the deep snow.

Children were out playing, their cheeks all pink and rosy.

They were witnesses to the changes
in the old man that lived there;
he always wore plaid shirts and blue jeans,
hollering when they would all run across his front yard.

They thought it fun, and giggled and laughed at him
cause he was old and slow.

Until last Wednesday when he shot
Billy Prescott's red haired head off with a shotgun.

Now the old man's in prison and the white snow's all red;
and the children,
they're catatonic and kept in their bed.

5 July 2009
© Steve Pray

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Vess, thanks for reading and for your critique...I wrote this in the sing song sort of manner that the song on weeds is sung...but you are right, after reading your critique... I think that the starkness of the words lend this to be a more horrible happening. I want to see what anyone else might suggest before doing a revision... not to worry, this is the reason I post, to see other viewpoints and get other input, i would not change if I did not feel the change was necessary. I really appreciate the effort on your part to critique.

Steve