Haiku, 4th Revision Options

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

4th revision

I awake...equate
Hyacynth knifes through thin snow
must be spring time now.

3rd Revison

I awake...equate
lily heads wave above thin snow
must be spring time now.

2nd revision

I awake...equate
lilies grow in thin snow;
they spring forth in Spring.

Revised

I awake...equate
flowers grow a thin snow;
must be spring now.

Original

I awake, equate
flower grows from white snow bank
must be spring time now.

[Larry]

Hi again Steve,

3rd Revison

I awake...equate
lily heads wave above thin snow
must be spring time now.

I like your (now) unrevised final line. Two nits still shout at me. The first is your choice of "lily" as the flower. There might be a flower in the Lilium family, of which there are over 100 varieties, that blooms in early Spring but I haven't heard of one. Perhaps you could use Daffodils instead. The aforementioned Daffodils, Crocus, Hyacynth and Snow Drops are the only four varieties which will push their way through snow and show a bloom. Sorry about the horticultural lesson! The other is that you now have 8 syls in L2. Could you use something like - "Daffodils knife through thin snow"? I now have yellow and white varieties blooming in my back yard but there is no more snow, thanks to SE Louisiana weather.

Just a thought, take or toss.

Larry