Haiku, 4th Revision Options

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

4th revision

I awake...equate
Hyacynth knifes through thin snow
must be spring time now.

3rd Revison

I awake...equate
lily heads wave above thin snow
must be spring time now.

2nd revision

I awake...equate
lilies grow in thin snow;
they spring forth in Spring.

Revised

I awake...equate
flowers grow a thin snow;
must be spring now.

Original

I awake, equate
flower grows from white snow bank
must be spring time now.

[Larry]

Hi Steve,

I agree with your statement that if it is Haiku, it must retain the 5-7-5 format, even if it will not translate to Japanese with the same structure.

Couple of nits! I'd like to see more of a pause in the first line. Maybe a ( ... ) instead of a comma. In the second line, I see one little flower blooming in the snow (Snow Crocus perhaps). Could you make that plural with - "Flowers grow from white snow bank", because one flower does not a Springtime make. Just my suggestions, take or toss!

Larry