The sky was laden with a haze, Winter in the city Options

[Guest_MikeKuss_*]

The sky was laden with a haze
that only a few people could understand.

The yellow glow from the sun had not
quite turned red yet, signaling to
those watching that it would be a
perfect evening.

Ah, the city sounds that will continue
for a few hours. Horns blaring,
brakes squealing, people yelling, all
trying to make it home or to some
promised destination.

As the city begins to settle in for
the evening, the sounds lessen and the
cold moves in.

Winter in the city is a magical time.
People move quickly, tempers rarely flare.
Everyone is searching for warmth.

Midnight and the city sleeps. A few brave
souls travel about, but most are safe and
warm within their concrete wombs. Awaiting
rebirth at the first light of dawn.

-Mike Kussmaul

[Alan]

Dear Mike,

A first post ! Welcome to MM, may your sojourne here be long and full of teaching and learning.

What you have written hear is insightful, but, for me, needs tightening up to become more poetic and less prose.

The sky was laden with a haze
only few could understand.

The yellow sun,
not quite turned red,
signalled it would be
a perfect evening.

37 words reduces to 25, and you are welcome to disagree, but for me there is no lessening of meaning in what is left ?

Btw, I do this not because what you have written is bad at all, but because there is so much potential, like a rough diamond being cut (good word, that) to bring up the facets.

If you want me to do more, please say, tho I suspect that once you have been given the idea, you can cut away yourself pretty well.

Or if you wish me never to darken your poetic door again. you can say that too !

Love
Alan