La Doncella...Revision 3...Drastic Revision, FV Options

[Judi]

Revision 3
Sweet maiden, this is the day
of Festival of the corn god.

As you awake at dawn,
your mother holds you close before
she helps you dress,
then places a necklace of bone and metal
around your neck.
She sighs as she daubs your cheeks
with red pigment, and gives
you coca leaf to chew.

Your heart beats quickly,
and you hide tears the god
would frown upon.
You must be brave and smile
as you present yourself to him.

You hear people cheer as they walk
with you up the mountain to the volcano;
you wonder why the god wants you
and not a tender goat?

It is so cold, and the gray shawl
around your shoulders does not
keep the chill away.
They give you corn liquor to drink
that burns as it enters your throat.
Your mind falters as you sit placidly
waiting...you fall asleep wondering
when he will come.

You have been waiting for 500 years...
your sightless eyes closed in death,
your frozen hands lay primly on your lap.

He did not come
He will never come.

Judith Labriola


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Revision 2
Sweet maiden, this is the day
of the Harvest Festival
When you awake at dawn,
your mother holds you close
before she helps you dress,
then places a necklace of bone and metal
around your neck.
She sighs as she daubs your cheeks
with red pigment, and gives
you cocoa leaf to chew.

Your heart beats quickly,
and you hide tears that the god
would frown upon..
you must be brave and smile
as you present yourself to him.

You hear people cheer as they walk
with you up the mountain to the volcano;
you wonder why the god wants you
and not a tender goat?

It is so cold, and the gray shawl
around your shoulders does not
keep the chill away..
They give you corn liquor that burns
like fire as it enters your throat.
Your mind falters as you sit placidly
waiting...you fall asleep wondering
when he will come..

You have been waiting for 500 years;
your sightless eyes closed in death,
your frozen hands folded primly on your lap.

His day will never come!


Judith Labriola

Here is the story that inspired this poem..

http://news.aol.com/story/ar/_a/incan-mumm...S00010000000001




Original Version...

La Doncella you are clothes
in fine garments,
and around your neck is a necklace
of bone and metal.
Dormant hands lay primly on your lap...
sightless eyes are closed in death.

The gentle expression on your face.
belies the 500 years you've slept
a frozen death on that precipice
in Argentina,
a human sacrifice to the Inca God
of the Corn Harvest.

Was there a procession the day
of the Festival?
Did the crowd cheer you on, and carry
you on their shoulders as they walked
up the mountain?
Did you feel sorrow, knowing
this was the end of your short
time on earth?
We'll never know.

Perhaps you were perfectly
preserved for five centuries
to let others know that this
is not a gift any god wants!
--

Judith Anne Labriola

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[4rum]

Dear Judi;

I think the addition of two words in the first line would do it for me.



La Doncella, sweet maiden

you are clothed................................

Then the rest, for me would follow with much more meaning and understanding. Understanding of both your subject and your feeling FOR the subject.

Just a suggestion for your consideration. I do like the write and appreciate the inspiration this docile little form evoked in you.

sam

[Judi]

Thanks so much...I needed some kind words today, and you gave them to me...Sweet maiden it will be when I revise...Judi