A Little Travelin` Music...., You arn`t going to be a Prom Queen forever. Options

[Guest_Xanadu_*]

The pipes are clanging
The washer`s banging
out an overload opus.
The neighbors bitchin`
at your kids screamin`
through the halls,
cause it`s a snow day.

Your last cigarette
curls white rings around
high school memories;
senior pictures
smudged n`,

suspended

in smoke.

This post has been edited by Xanadu: Dec 5 07, 18:00

[Alan]

Dear X,

definitely has the makings. Some thoughts to have or toss :

The pipes are frozen.
The washer's broken. - add '
The neighbors bitchin`,
and it`s a snow day.

Your last cigarette
wraps white rings around, - del comma ?
High School memories;
Senior pictures, - wondering if this should be seniorS ?
smudged- - there should be a space before the dash ?
suspended
in smoke. - any reason why the last line is on 3 lines ?

Love
Alan

[Guest_Xanadu_*]

Thank you for pointing our my boo boos. I`ll run up top and fix them. The last three lines were an attempt at suspending the word suspended. I will await more imput as to form.

[Alan]

Dear Linda,

Aha, now I see the "suspended" reasoning, and I think it works much better the way you have it now.

In the "broken" line, I meant add the ' to the washer's, not at the end - you must think me crazy !

Also, btw, do not take what I say as given truth, I offer ideas, youare the one who can use or chuck them !

Love
Alan

[Guest_Xanadu_*]

Thanks Alan. I knew I had been instructed to add something, somewhere. I figured it would all come out in the wash. LOL

[Guest_Xanadu_*]

I did some editing on this when I realized that I have forgotten to add the "noise".