A CONSTANT GARDENER [revised 25 Mar 08], Wizard Award ~ A writers dilemma Options

[Guest_Xanadu_*]

Revision:

If only words would grow on vines,
I'd serve them up along these lines;
taste the crop that came to flower
and dine on prose from hour to hour.
Partake of leaves.
Partake of root.
I'd save the best
for last...
the fruit.


......................................................................
Original


The seed of an idea as small as sand.
I want to grow at the end of my hand;
as if my arm were free to flower
some great prose hour to hour;
my fingers no more than a wonderland.

I place my hand to this clean page
and wait for it to behave a sage;
believing that it has some power,
until my fingers freeze, then cower;
proving themselves a dumb appendage.

That in my hand some phrase take root;
that it alone would bear the fruit,
not make of me some undergoer,
where perfect words to mind come slower;
then gladly would I be it`s prostitute.

[Mary Boren]

H'lo Linda, pleased to meet you.

Your poem displays a pretty good grasp of rhyme and meter. How long have you been writing, and what level of critique are you interested in receiving? I have some observations/suggestions but don't want to overstep my bounds on the first encounter.

Mary

[Guest_Xanadu_*]

I have been writing for a good long time. I have over 250 publications to my credit in fiction and non-fiction. Poetry...not so much. This is an old one. I rarely write in rhyme any more, as it appears to be out of vogue. Jump on in. I have gotten used to rough reviews, being a member of splashhall. Please to meet you, by the way.

[Mary Boren]

Ok then, later. First thing I'd address would be the inversions.

Mary

[Guest_Xanadu_*]

This poetry gig is still a little new to me. I am not familiar with some the vernacular that is often used. Inversions. Please explain.

[heartsong7]

Hi Linda...
I like the premise and the delivery shows promise.
You have a consistant rhyme scheme and mostly true rhymes.
It's the meter that needs to be more consistant.
I offer the following just
to illustrate how it scans to my ear:

The seed of an ide a as small as sand,
I want to grow at the end of my hand;
as if my arm were free to flow er
some great prose ho ur to ho ur;
my fing ers no more than a wond er land.

I place my hand to this clean page
and wait for it to be have a sage;
be liev ing that it has some pow er,
un til my fing ers freeze, then cow er;
prov ing them selves a dumb ap pend age.

That in my hand some phrase take root;
that it a lone would bear the fruit,
not make of me some un der go er,
where per fect words to mind come slow er;
then glad ly would I be it`s pros ti tute.



I wouldn't use 'appendage' to rhyme with 'page' and 'sage' because its final syllable is unstressed.
There are inversions that don't fit with natural speech patterns and therefore create a sense of being rhyme driven... like:
'where perfect words to mind come slower'
and
'then gladly would I be'

I hope I've offered something helpful.
Sue

[Guest_Xanadu_*]

Thank you so much!!! As I mentioned before, I do not write in rhyme any more.(okay, maybe once in a while). This one is about 20 years old. I thought I would launch it into cyberspace and set it free. Bye Bye!
I think I understand inversion and I really do thank you for that. Some reviews mention terms I am not familiar with then do not bother to explain them. I am trying to teach this old dog some new tricks. Blessings upon you!

[MFK Buckley]

Hello, do we call you Xanadu?

You are currently in the scope of two of the best known to me for a groundwork in R&M poetry. Read lots and be prepared to revise endlessly. I highly recommend Nada Lott's entry entitled "Banjo Murmurings" as a worthy example of a worthwhile goal. I hope you enjoy the journey!

re: your poem: On other fronts, I found the use of sand to grow a progression of metaphors that are more appropriately embedded in the word seed perhaps. I'm governed by the notion that mixed metaphors can make for a dissatisfied reader.

One last thought, not to overwhelm you all in one go, but consider reformatting the last verse as prose:
That in my hand some phrase take root; that it alone would bear the fruit, not make of me some undergoer, where perfect words to mind come slower; then gladly would I be it`s prostitute.
Say what you mean as clearly as possible. Then reformat with metre and rhyme. Never lose meaning for rhyme, that loses readers. I trust I haven't tread too far.

Good luck! Fran

[Guest_Xanadu_*]

Thank you dear. I am looking forward to much enlightenment here. You did not "tread too far". My goodness, on another site it took me a week to scrap my behind off the wall. I would much appreciate it, if you have the time, to check out some of my newer material. I hand you the wheel, my friends.

[MFK Buckley]

Perhaps we could see this through revisions first. Fran

[Mary Boren]

Some reviews mention terms I am not familiar with then do not bother to explain them.

Ouch. Be patient. I didn't want to talk down to an experienced writer. Here is a glossary of poetic terms in case I use another one that is unfamiliar.

http://www.poeticbyway.com/glossary.html

The reason rhymed poetry is considered out of vogue by many is that many continue to think it's supposed to be written in an archaic (obsolete) manner. Inverted speech, for example. In the Elizabethan era, people really did the backwards-talking thing like Yoda. ("When 900 years you reach, look as good, you will not.") Modern poetry can be written with economy and elevation and still reflect the language of our times.

The seed of an idea as small as sand,
I want to grow at the end of my hand;

Case in point. You want the seed of an idea to grow at the end of your hand, which is good imagery. It can be expressed without bending a sentence out of shape. You don't have to use hand for the rhyme word. That would free up sand for another poem where it might fit better.

as if my arm were free to flower
some great prose hour to hour;

Surely there are more descriptive adjectives than some and great.

my fingers no more than a wonderland.

Oops, your metaphor is meandering. I'm not getting the picture, because I associate wonderland with enchantment or dreams, not flowers or seeds.

I place my hand to this clean page
and wait for it to behave a sage;
believing that it has some power,
until my fingers freeze, then cower;
proving themselves a dumb appendage.

Do you mean behave like a sage? As noted, appendage doesn't rhyme with page and sage. Actually, you could lose this verse completely, as it does nothing to advance the metaphor.

That in my hand some phrase take root;
that it alone would bear the fruit,
not make of me some undergoer,
where perfect words to mind come slower;
then gladly would I be it`s prostitute.

Good, now we're back to gardening, but some undergoer and prostitute stick out like sore thumbs. Convenient rhyming, but out of their element here. Its is the possessive pronoun, it's is the contraction for it is.

You've achieved a passable accentual rhythm, but I'm with Sue on a preference for tighter meter. Your punctuation could be improved too -- too many semicolons, used incorrectly.

I think you're onto something with the idea. It deserves more work.

Mary

[Guest_Xanadu_*]

Let me work on this for a couple of days. My first reaction was to stuff into the fireplace. But, I don`t have a fireplace. Just before I posted this I took out quite a few words. Too many modified nouns, you know? I think that messed up the meter a lot. But, apparently I have other issues as well. Thank you kind people!!

[Guest_Don_*]

Dear X,

Pleased to meet you and especially as a prolific author. Poetry is a different herd of animals than prose. It is interesting that western U.S. evolved from free range sheep and cattle to fenced; whereas, poetry--once again--is cutting down fences of formal rhyme and meter for free verse and prose poetry.

Mosaic Musings is a very helpful workshop. We have members with a variety of skills and talents. You can skim the pond or draw from the well as deep as desired.

"Poetry is an art, and chief of the fine arts; the easiest to dabble in, the hardest in which to reach true perfection."
--E.C. Stedman--

Certainly glad you do not have a fireplace. Most works are seldom absolutely complete.

Don :)

[Guest_Xanadu_*]

Well, this is what happened. After I completed the process of deconstructing the original, there was not much left. In my attempt to eschew the archaic as well as the inversions (which I realized is something I do a bit too often), the mixed metaphors, the meter problems, etc.,I determined to approach the problem at it`s root. Staying with the general idea I hereby attempt to step into the world of modern poetry with ( thanks to each of you), a better understanding of what is required.



A CONSTANT GARDENER (revision/new)

If only words would grow on vines,
I`d serve them up along these lines;
taste the crop that came to flower
and dine on prose from hour to hour.
Partake of leaves.
Partake of root.
I save the best
for last...
the fruit.

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi X,

Although my recent work has not been, I prefer rhyme and meter and the tight forms. They are far more challenging to make sound and look good. Before retirement I worked as an engineer accustomed to juggling immense detail. Therefore, that was my bent on choosing poetry as a hobby. It can be overburdened with detail to satisfy any nut.

Don

[Guest_Xanadu_*]

I am working very hard to improve. Very hard!!

[heartsong7]

A CONSTANT GARDENER

If words would only grow on vines,
I`d serve them up along these lines;
taste the crop that came to flower
and dine on prose from hour to hour.
Partake of leaves.
Partake of root.
I save the best
for last...
the fruit.

I like it! a lot!
It's a whole new poem and only as long as it needs to be to make the metaphor speak to us.
I think the way you've formatted those well rhymed and metered lines is also appealing.
One tiny nit.. in line one, I keep wanting to read "if only words would grow on vines." but that may just be me.

well done.
Sue

[Guest_Xanadu_*]

Phew!!! Thank you, thank you. I was not sure how this would go over, since I chose to ignore the original and just get to what I wanted to say today, not what I wanted to say 20 years ago. Me new mantra....Out with old. In with the new!

P. S. Fixed nit. See above.

[Guest_Don_*]

A CONSTANT GARDENER

If words would only grow on vines,
I`d serve them up along these lines;
taste the crop that came to flower
and dine on prose from hour to hour.
Partake of leaves.
Partake of root.
I save the best
for last...
the fruit.

I like this. I ponder the word "prose" in this poem, but accept it.

Is the above a revision to the original? If so it is best identified as such and posted in original beginning tile. If it is intended as a completely fresh start it seem best to start a new thread.

Pardon my confusion.

Don

[Guest_Xanadu_*]

Okey dokey! Sometimes I just get so confused. Thank you. Some boards do not want you to re-post. So, I kept it on this thread. I will get the hang of it sooner or later.