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Posted on: Feb 21 16, 06:38 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 78
Joined: 13-November 15
Member No.: 5,294
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Thank you all for your interest and feedback. So very appreciated. This car journey was made alone and I had much to think about. How lost in my thoughts I can be and always searching for answers. Cats have this serenity and wisdom, full of special skills...it seemed desirable to me to be like one.
Regards and I will try to revise some of the sticky bits. I'm currently on holiday in York, trying to relax! :)
Krista |
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Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'...
· Post Preview: #142576
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Posted on: Feb 19 16, 17:01 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 78
Joined: 13-November 15
Member No.: 5,294
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This sullen night, moody and morose, it blew past, while birds screamed their way home and I counted countless windows, bleak and unlit, with cats seated behind them, their contours on walls, as twice their eyes sponged up my headlights and I envied this second chance at a recondite view, coveted this sorcerous manner of ken.
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Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'...
· Post Preview: #142557
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Posted on: Feb 9 16, 09:54 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 78
Joined: 13-November 15
Member No.: 5,294
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A touching poem.
In the opening lines, you are searching for inspiration, or, at least, struggle to write, but you connect with others' topics in relation to your own story. The themes of death, flowers and animals and their meaning in all our lives.
I would lose the question mark, not necessary.
Perhaps I would also lose the icecream line and connect your question tighter to stanza one: 'a violet in the snow. Outside, her feeder sits full, untouched and I wonder if the birds who claimed my wreath....' etc.
Just a suggestion.
Regards, K. |
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Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'...
· Post Preview: #142343
· Replies: 8
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Posted on: Jan 29 16, 18:33 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 78
Joined: 13-November 15
Member No.: 5,294
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Have to agree with Critter that something is off. Apart from punctuation and a spelling mistake, the story leads nowhere.
'Buried her once gaiety' is awkward spelling, 'whose' is wrong. The rest of that sentence is so long, the reader is lost trying to keep track. Buried her gaiety under what? And why? Divulge or disclose these observations/thoughts/emotions in a poetic way. You hold your cards too close to your chest and lose meaning.
Spectres or specters depends on UK or US spelling I think.
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Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'...
· Post Preview: #142138
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Posted on: Jan 29 16, 17:45 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 78
Joined: 13-November 15
Member No.: 5,294
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No generalisation was intended. In my view, we are all bisexual in a way and I adored this group of men and, yes, lamented the fact they showed no sexual interest at all, being older than them. I didn't call them gay, I just realised men stick together. Of course, the opposite situation would give a similar experience to a male. They were thoughts after wine, walking home alone.
Greenwich, not sure I like your tone of late. If one of your pieces was criticised, learn from it instead of trying to get revenge. Childish.
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Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'...
· Post Preview: #142137
· Replies: 10
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Posted on: Jan 28 16, 16:16 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 78
Joined: 13-November 15
Member No.: 5,294
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Thanks everyone for your feedback and thoughts. I've been so busy and not found time to reply. I apologise for this.
This piece is about me sitting at a table one night with nothing but male work colleagues. I am slightly (????) older than them and felt out of place. But what struck me was, that, eventhough no males were gay in my knowledge, the mere connection between them was homo-erotic in a sense. They understood each other, there was praise and admiration, touching, and all this time there was no interest in females, certainly not in me, nor in the other much more attractive women in the room. This brotherhood struck me, intrigued me, if you will. I felt all men have this bond and women cannot enter.
I liked the connotation with homosexuality, hence the title. And my experience is that men do look at women for approval....this is where 'mum' came from. The 'glasses' are spectacles. Particularly one or two guys I know, balance them on top of their forehead when they don't need them and they all, ALL, jiggle change in their pockets.
Regards, K |
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Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'...
· Post Preview: #142111
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Posted on: Jan 25 16, 17:34 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 78
Joined: 13-November 15
Member No.: 5,294
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You do 'tell' too much in this. The big words are on the verge of ridiculousness.
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Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'...
· Post Preview: #142035
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Posted on: Jan 25 16, 17:29 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 78
Joined: 13-November 15
Member No.: 5,294
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This is the beginning of a great story. Not poetry however. |
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Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'...
· Post Preview: #142034
· Replies: 8
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Posted on: Jan 11 16, 18:18 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 78
Joined: 13-November 15
Member No.: 5,294
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I'm not sure this should be in FV. Parts of it, yes. Decide what you want with this, then the reader will too.
Regards,
K |
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Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'...
· Post Preview: #141817
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Posted on: Jan 11 16, 18:15 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 78
Joined: 13-November 15
Member No.: 5,294
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The stone/jewel doesn't work for me. The sentence reads awkwardly and never relates clearly to a characteristic of the object of your desire. It should, indeed, be paper chain and then the last sentence will be great, far outshining the awkward beginning.
Regards,
K |
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Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'...
· Post Preview: #141816
· Replies: 9
· Views: 4,187
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Posted on: Jan 11 16, 18:09 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 78
Joined: 13-November 15
Member No.: 5,294
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I love animals and so can relate.
Not so keen on the -ing form in st 2 and 3.
Regards,
K |
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Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'...
· Post Preview: #141815
· Replies: 13
· Views: 6,853
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Posted on: Jan 11 16, 18:04 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 78
Joined: 13-November 15
Member No.: 5,294
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Thanks Eisa/Eira ( which is it?) :)
Regards,
Krista |
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Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'...
· Post Preview: #141814
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· Views: 3,393
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Posted on: Jan 8 16, 18:55 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 78
Joined: 13-November 15
Member No.: 5,294
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Out
I sat at a table surrounded by men. They were beautiful, don't get me wrong, I adored how their eyes met and gestures felt erotic. In laughter, loud like shouts in barrels, they aroused each other's touch without touching, but seemed tied together by the same rope. They were lifting glasses, propping them on foreheads, rummaged in trouser pockets to find a shared experience. Shirts were white or blue or grey and not one of them noticed me; not one cared for my breasts or lips, nor the height of my heels. My brain reposed, unused, and they only glanced to Mum to see if she was listening. |
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Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'...
· Post Preview: #141754
· Replies: 10
· Views: 3,393
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Posted on: Jan 6 16, 11:30 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 78
Joined: 13-November 15
Member No.: 5,294
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Happy New Year to you all as well.
Greenwich: the elevation is spiritual...combing through photo albums, my feelings of euphoria grew.
For me, the details of someone, as small as hair follicles, especially so with a child, give great, great joy.
Regards,
K. |
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Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'...
· Post Preview: #141676
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Posted on: Jan 4 16, 12:51 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 78
Joined: 13-November 15
Member No.: 5,294
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Thanks Richard.
Agree with your suggestion. I struggled with the last line. Well spotted.
Regards, K |
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Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'...
· Post Preview: #141628
· Replies: 6
· Views: 2,685
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Posted on: Jan 4 16, 12:49 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 78
Joined: 13-November 15
Member No.: 5,294
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Yes, me too, nothing but praise. This is an unknown world to me, being European, but I can envisage and understand.
Regards, K |
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Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'...
· Post Preview: #141627
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Posted on: Jan 4 16, 12:46 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 78
Joined: 13-November 15
Member No.: 5,294
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This comforting piece of work aims to ease the worries of a woman. You reassure her that, while you're away, your thoughts are still with her, and these words are designed to settle her anxiety.
I like it. Women, however, are not generally soothed by this. Eventhough I like the wordy-quality and the intent, I feel this poem is more directed at men.
Regards, K.
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Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'...
· Post Preview: #141626
· Replies: 4
· Views: 1,786
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Posted on: Dec 30 15, 19:16 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 78
Joined: 13-November 15
Member No.: 5,294
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Revision
Daughter
I heard the tiniest of beats, in my palm. Incredibly, the right weight, a skull as big as my hand.
Nostrils that picked up the scent of myself as a child, in my own mother's care.
Elevation through pictures in albums, from young to now, and the laugh for rife predictions from a needle on a thread that said boy or girl, him or me.
The lines 'round your knuckles, the back of your sixteen year old hand that flows into wrist. I connect freckles, from underarm to collarbone and I hear your sigh still, in a toothless grin, catch your hair, each follicle of it, my pupils dilated in reflex.
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Original
Daughter
I heard the tiniest of beats, just in my palm. Incredibly, the right weight, a skull as big as my hand.
Nostrils that picked up the scent of myself as a child, in my own mother's care.
Elevation through pictures in albums, from young to now, and the laugh for rife predictions from a needle on a thread that said boy or girl, him or me.
The lines 'round your knuckles, the back of your sixteen year old hand that flows into wrist. I connect freckles, from underarm to collarbone and I hear your sigh still, in a toothless grin, catch your hair, each follicle of it, see my pupils dilated in a pleasing reflex. |
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Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'...
· Post Preview: #141485
· Replies: 6
· Views: 2,685
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Posted on: Dec 30 15, 19:12 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 78
Joined: 13-November 15
Member No.: 5,294
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Yes, rhythmic and soothing with a beautiful ending.
I like Luce's clever suggestions and agree with replacing some of the cliché words, but it reads so well and I feel your emotion, so I'm keen to say: leave it. Cliché words in such an adept way still have great poetic value. |
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Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'...
· Post Preview: #141484
· Replies: 8
· Views: 3,771
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Posted on: Dec 19 15, 11:19 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 78
Joined: 13-November 15
Member No.: 5,294
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I would agree with Luce on most points she raises. I get strong undertones of Disney's Pocahontas.
So sorry Maureen.
Regards, K |
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Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'...
· Post Preview: #141183
· Replies: 4
· Views: 2,558
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Posted on: Dec 19 15, 11:16 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 78
Joined: 13-November 15
Member No.: 5,294
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This is beautiffuly written, adept and experienced.
It lacks some original comparisons and although it promises to unveil the mysteries of women, or womanhood, I doubt anybody ( male or female) will be any the wiser after reading it.
If these are lessons you have learned through your lifetime, I guess I'd like to read about them in a more realistic voice.
You are an incorrigible romantic, Richard :)
Regards, K |
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Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'...
· Post Preview: #141182
· Replies: 5
· Views: 3,129
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Posted on: Dec 19 15, 11:05 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 78
Joined: 13-November 15
Member No.: 5,294
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I love 'one-liners' like this, but punctuation and spelling are failing you at the moment.
'My feelings equates makes me fall under your spell'?? Equates is not a noun surely?
Sorry.
Regards, K |
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Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'...
· Post Preview: #141180
· Replies: 4
· Views: 2,554
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Posted on: Dec 19 15, 10:59 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 78
Joined: 13-November 15
Member No.: 5,294
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A deeply religious piece with two rhyming stanzas and one without.
I like the tone of it, a drone-like sound.
'It' refers to the title twice, which is nicely done, but perhaps lacks some variation. If you wanted 'it' to be a recurring theme, it should have been used in stanza two as well.
I always believed it to be 'salt of THE Earth'.
The 'sans sun's shade' line is a tongue-twister and I would advise changing it.
Regards, K
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Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'...
· Post Preview: #141179
· Replies: 3
· Views: 1,335
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Posted on: Dec 19 15, 05:35 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 78
Joined: 13-November 15
Member No.: 5,294
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Unison
There was haste in all circling around town's centrepiece. The tree crowned the square like a triangular rooftop, its star still pale at early dusk.
I found a seat underneath, cold metal slats a welcome rest, as the world washed by, almost choreographed in a ballet chorus line.
Paper bags of gifts were cherished by shoppers, while smiles and handshakes uttered merry greetings.
I tasted pudding, right there and then. A brief close of the eyes and a blue haze appeared, my children's faces never smiled so much.
And the brush of the crowd against my shoulders and elbows, was the beat of the season, a pulsating message that we all felt the same. |
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Forum: Mosaic Musings Holiday Classic
· Post Preview: #141173
· Replies: 1
· Views: 3,463
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