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Posted on: Aug 23 14, 03:32 |
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Kieth and Maggie, Thanks for popping in to read. Lori, thank you for those suggestions re the grammar and punctuation. Always such a sharp eye for these things and much appreciated. I shall do a revision shortly. Hugz Wally |
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Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -...
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Posted on: Jul 19 14, 15:09 |
Laureate Legionnaire
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Hello Lori It wonderful to see you here again getting involved, critiquing (and writing too I see) once more. You always offer useful and relevant comment that reminds me why I joined MM so many years ago now. I do like your suggestion of the ellipse because it can imply omitted words or thoughts as well as a pause. Previous purist mentors have discouraged me from using it but in recent years I find myself strangely pushing away from observing the strict disciplines of traditional form and absolute grammatical correctness. Your next suggestion; “soothe my soul” is also spot on and gladly accepted since “restless” is already used in that same verse. Good call! The others I’m not so sure about because they alter the meaning of the sentence. Isn't it amazing how that can happen by placement of a simple comma! Case 1. Each special spot upon God's Earth is place for souls to share re-birthThe special spots on God’s Earth are places for spiritual re-birth, summarises the message of the poem. Case 2. Each special spot upon God's Earth, our place for souls to share re-birthGod’s Earth is the place for spiritual re-birth (now actually opposing the message of the poem) - Big difference! Many thanks for reading and commenting. Hugz Wal |
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Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -...
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Posted on: Jun 25 14, 14:52 |
Laureate Legionnaire
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At times I crave the restless sea, at times deep forests make me whole; dry desert plains can set me free while mountain cascades rest my soul.
Today, great rivers hold my mind and bush-veld nights my passions bend; tomorrow, sunset lakes shall find tranquillity life can't transcend.
The road is long, the journey hard each trail beset with peril and greed It’s well to always be on guard yet keep in sight one's humble creed.
Each special spot upon God's Earth is place for souls to share re-birth.
© WW Schwim
There you are Jerry. A pastoral sonnet without guile, concealed meanings in the metaphore or uncommon words to look up. Does it leave a warm familiar feeling to some readers, invoking perhaps a trace of nostalgia to others yet impart an obvious lesson to those receptive to it? Depends on entirely on the reader's interpretation.
Or is there more hiding behind a simple skin? Depends on the Author, does it not?
I write seldom these days and then for my own pleasure cause as you say, no-one wants to know anyway and if along the way someone perchance likes what I write then I consider it a bonus. If they dislike it, well, that's ok too and should it fall on deaf ears it's simply the way of the world. |
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Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -...
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Posted on: Jun 25 14, 09:56 |
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So true indeed! QUOTE But still abstain from lines much brayed by mules That whine about past loves, and themes too trite, Their overuse has dulled these once sharp tools. I applaud these lines!! and spoken in classic voice too with a touch (nay a good dollop) of sarcasm. It becomes progressively more difficult for the modern poet to create anything really fresh so even good writers are accused of being cliche. That where the great masters excelled, they invented most of the language we accept today which really shows it is up to poets to push the envelop and keep our language moving forward. The odd dodgy rhyme or slip in metre may or may be explained away but considering they had none of the benefits we enjoy today like computers and internet, their work is remarkable. Keep em commin! Cheers, Wal |
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Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -...
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Posted on: Jun 17 14, 09:12 |
Laureate Legionnaire
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Ah, Romantic interludes from you, with something soft and sweet will help our Rhymer not eschew those blessings at his feet for would he woo that Fairy maid of beauty past our ken, a floral woven blossom braid, sweet verses from his pen would all bode well to catch her heart with songs of palest blue. A minstrel who doth love impart will find his Princess true. heh heh |
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Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -...
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Posted on: Jun 17 14, 08:07 |
Laureate Legionnaire
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Wow Jerry!! This turned into a fine ballad indeed ! Goog revision. Very Tolkenish and vivid, something I might read to my Granddaughters at bed time. Loved it. Cheers, Wal |
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Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -...
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Posted on: Jun 17 14, 07:41 |
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Hello Mau You have the essence of a wonderful poem here. Being (for the most part) predominantly dactylic in falling metre, a kinda offbeat waltz lyric seems to emerge from the script. It cries out with desperation and depicts the subject’s inner strength as she battles with her demons and eventually ends on a happy note. I love the title too!
Dunno how much crit you want here for one star but I can offer some suggestions that may smooth it up a tad.
I know that you favour your Aussy bush poetry style where metric rules are fairly loose but that last bundle pushes even that envelope to busting for me. It seems to fall apart in S4 (a six line strofe with A,A,B.B.B,C scheme) at a point where in fact it all comes together once more for the subject. Changing the structure is ok but should be done deliberately in a subtle way that accentuates the mood shift.
That old scoundrel “THE” has snuck up on you and inserted himself 16 times while you weren’t looking! Replacing some of these with suitable verbs and dumping others may improve the cadence and cuts some extra syllables that trip up the reader.
I noticed a couple of dodgy rhymes, used in that context, “recession” seemed a mite forced to my ear. Bit of shuffling around solves two niggles but the leading syllables can’t seem to make up their mind to be stressed or unstressed. (This is important for reader to get the rhythm right first time, otherwise it may take several tries to pick it up.)
May I suggest that last group actually be re-composed into two discrete 4 line verses with a key change only in the final strophe. “ House” watching the scene also seemed a bit odd since the familiar sketch here would rather be that of “walls closing in”.
The final verse then paints a picture of sunshine returning to rescue our poor tormented heroine who we assume survives the ordeal. It is here you could alter the metre, making it more upbeat to match the mood shift.
You may also consider narrating in the present tense. It would make a startling impact, by bringing the reader into the scene rather reciting from a history book.
While I’m at it, a little re-wording could improve the metre, (at least regarding the consistency of leading stressed syllables) and there is ample opportunity to spread some alliteration around to make those lines roll smoothly off the tongue.
These are just some thoughts to stimulate the muse. Disregard if you wish or yell if you need further suggestions.
Love to see how this one pans out.
It reminds me of a piece I began in this tempo a while back but never finished. It was about the plight hookers in Johannesburg. (I’ve seen it all) Think I’ll go dig it out and run it past the muse again.
Hugz
Wal |
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Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -...
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Posted on: Feb 18 14, 07:44 |
Laureate Legionnaire
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Hello Mau, Hope all is well with you and you're handling the heat over there. I liked this piece a lot but stumbled each time on that 5th line. There is a way to read it where the metre works out ok but it does not come naturally to me. My only real nit is that the story seemed vague. I'm unsure who "HE" is in S3. Perhaps the ex or the new lover and what was it he did that was so bad? Also, who does she visit now? Left me kinda puzzled and wondering if I missed something. (At my age that's more than likely) The metre is fav of mine, actually not a heptameter but rather Paeonic tetrameter (one stressed in four) which is great for story telling since it contains double the syllables of iambic tet. Well done and thanks for sharing, makes me want to hatch a piece using that catchy rhythm. Hugz Wal |
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Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -...
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Posted on: Feb 6 14, 03:10 |
Laureate Legionnaire
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From: South Africa
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Hello Snow Good to see you here too Thank you for dropping in to read. Hugz Wal |
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Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -...
· Post Preview: #133942
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Posted on: Jan 28 14, 09:52 |
Laureate Legionnaire
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Joined: 24-July 07
From: South Africa
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Hello Syl and Mau Thank you both for popping in with interesting comments:thanks: I'm going to change "unique" because it does sound incorrectly stressed besides it is also a bit too high for kids. Thank you for the useful input. Wal |
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Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -...
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Posted on: Jan 16 14, 01:10 |
Laureate Legionnaire
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 783
Joined: 24-July 07
From: South Africa
Member No.: 457
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Hello Larry I was hibernating - not dead Thanks for reading and picking up that nit. It's one I always tussle with since although technically "hour" is only one syllable, it is commonly voiced with a lightly accented r (ow-r) rather than (ow) . So it could also be two syllables. To me, "The passing hour will not return" sounds slightly chunky unless a pause is inserted after hour I dunno???? Cheers, Wal |
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Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -...
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