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Posted on: Jun 23 08, 08:19 |
Babylonian
Group: Guest
Posts: 67
Joined: 25-April 07
Member No.: 425
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Cleo,
Thanks for coming back. Well, I'm not Catholic anymore, this being something from my childhood and yes, it does seem odd but they used to bless our throats.
The church was located near a Slovanian home, thus the fans. The home itself didn't have anything to do with the service or the church. I guess it never dawned on me that a reader would connect it as being so, but I guess I was wrong!
I usually don't mix a lot of metaphor with simile and since this poem is steeped in simile, I also tried to avoid a lot of personification. The simile's being the leaves/violin, wafers of bread/decks of cards,
but you're right. There are priests that aren't Catholic and I will definitely put a note either at the top or the bottom of this wherever it ends up, to state that it is about that particular feast which right now, I really don't know why it came to mind to write about except I thought the whole ceremony was kind of strange when I was 8 yrs. old.
I know that narrative poetry is often said to be a bit too prosy and I agree, so I border the fence on that one! My favorite poets are Mary Oliver and Alberto Rios if that gives you an idea of what style I kind of read quite a bit. So hard to choose a favorite poet I know.
I had received an email awhile back that the board might be closing; I'm so glad I checked back in. it's wonderful. |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #109024
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Posted on: Jun 22 08, 17:47 |
Babylonian
Group: Guest
Posts: 67
Joined: 25-April 07
Member No.: 425
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Liz,
So glad you came in and gave such a well thought out reply. Did I say something in my previous reply indicated to you that I wasn't posting for change? I didn't mean to. Maybe I shouldn't have sounded like I'm against pruning, or paring, not at all, just that i try not to go overboard with it is what I mean!
I was simply trying to explain where the poem is coming from to help in revision and also to answer Cleo's thought about do I usually write a bit longer poems because she had never read me before and sometimes it is helpful to know what style a poet favors. I don't only write narrative styles but I do lean toward them. The other thing is, I have a huge struggle with clarity and sometimes for me, anyway, it is hard to know what to cut and what not to!
I think I am definitely going to switch the stanza about the fans to the opening. I think that would be wonderful, especially with the wind in the ending. So, that alone is just really having me smiling here. Thank you.
I confess to having this, and another poem going elsewhere, so I print out the critiques and revisions don't always come easy for me --- but rest assured, I am serious about revisions and change. Always!
Yes, I think if I could somehow connect that violin to the end, that would be wonderful also. It may take me some time to get that in there just the way it could work, but I do see what you mean.
Thank you. Now, for that printing. :) |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #109016
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Posted on: Jun 22 08, 14:58 |
Babylonian
Group: Guest
Posts: 67
Joined: 25-April 07
Member No.: 425
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I'm so glad you came by. Your critique is done so thoughtful. I really appreciate it. Well, I guess my style is narrative, yes, it is, actually narrative and I do work on paring down but I'm not as centered on that these days as I am getting the meaning across. Some time ago I would chop and chop and chop and by the time I finished, even I didn't know what I meant!
But I love your input and how it made me rethink my own poem and that's a good thing. I guess the thing I was most worried about with this was the poem being about a very old traditional Catholic service and that readers wouldn't relate. Let me see if I can go through some of what you wondered about:
Yes, that's all the priest was blessing was the throats! The feast of St. Blaise, and I should have made a footnote. I am so sorry! But anyway, it is an old ceremony to bless throats. Hence, the further down likeness of the violin/neck image. I hope I'm not losing too many readers with this one. It could be a far reach I realize.
I see what you mean about the lace/table image and what needs to be done there. I think I can easily fix that line. Actually, the fans really were brought over from the Slovanian home as this all takes place in a Catholic church so the wording wouldn't want the service in the home, if that makes sense.
I purposely distinguished between being outside and inside because I didn't want the reader feeling he or she was being yanked back and forth. Many times readers will say, hey---you were inside, now where are we? But I'm all for decreasing wordiness and so I will take a look at that.
I can work on that wordiness towards the end but not "invade" because I'm trying to give a soft feeling of the Holy Spirit coming in. Not a storm or anything like that.
Thank you again so much for your help with this one. Spiritual poems are hard for me to post and revise because I always feel they leave a group of persons out who can't relate but I was hoping people would find it interesting. I went ahead and added that note up at the top so people could have an idea of what this is about! |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #109014
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Posted on: Jun 21 08, 11:22 |
Babylonian
Group: Guest
Posts: 67
Joined: 25-April 07
Member No.: 425
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Brown eyes clear as mud, gaze across an ebony reflection of cracked ashtrays and dreams of fame yet to be realised. "
mud isn't clear so that simile isn't working there. "ebony reflection" what is that? The cracked ashtrays? I love that image but "dreams of fame" is a very weak abstraction.
"Her slender fingers tipped in green enamel meet with music's ivory keys and to an unfocused witness they become one with the notes of a baby grand.|
You open this poem with "brown eyes" and yet here it says "her" slender fingers. So I would suggest opening with "her brown eyes" and leading it from there. This is backtracking in a way.
I think I would suggest "piano's" ivory keys, or the instrument as not all music has ivory keys if you follow my thinking here.
"An innocence beneath masks of music maker and entertainer still remains, sealed away behind the curtains."
maybe "hiding" behind curtains. It's kind of hard to imagine anything sealed with a curtain, a vault maybe, unless someone is wrapped up in the curtain and even then...
"Only the lull of a bass resuscitates the heart beat of her forgotten child; the one who used to soar upon others melodies and grew to breathe her own. "
I'm not sure what this all means.
An audience applaudes her soul's secrets, plucked out on a guitar's crimson strings to the charge of an eight beat. Wooden sticks strike metal and air while a Nike shoe creates homeless echos with each pedal kick."
The audience is applauding, that comes through but aren't they more applauding the "charge of an eight beat" love that, The Nike shoe is a strong line/image. The rest is loaded down with a lot of abstractions. I think if you could pare those down, i.e. soul's secrets, homeless echos, and go with more striking images like the wooden sticks (great line)
"The music of her life spills off the stage in a subtle lullaby, seduced from instruments by her melody infused fingers."
I had more in mind a "charge" type of forceful music as mentioned in this but then we get to a lullaby. This ending is way over the top. I'd end this before you get to this stanza. I'd develop those Nike shoes and the wooden sticks and work on getting those abstractions out of this. I see a lot of potential here but the good images are outweighed by a lot of filler and unnecessary modifiers that hurt what you're trying to say. The great images are they, you just need to dig them out. |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #108990
· Replies: 9
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Posted on: Jun 17 08, 11:21 |
Babylonian
Group: Guest
Posts: 67
Joined: 25-April 07
Member No.: 425
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Peggy, The second stanza seems to get this moving but I wanted to address one thing there: QUOTE Will it smother the fire? The Great Dismal Swamp burns. The fire comes suddenly, after the storm and I'm wondering if introducing it beforehand would bring more clarity here. Something like "will it smother the fire burning over the Great Dismal Swamp" thereby not only identifying the fire, but also giving it a verb, making it the strong noun here over that swamp. If that makes sense. Just my thoughts. I think what got to me about this poem is I couldn't agree with the thought and feeling of everything that is going on more. |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #108899
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Posted on: Jun 16 08, 14:57 |
Babylonian
Group: Guest
Posts: 67
Joined: 25-April 07
Member No.: 425
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I love the rainforest and so of course the title caught my eye quickly. I did wonder at the title. Shouldn't it be "in" the Rainforest. It sounds as if the Rainforest has died and the Requiem is for it alone. QUOTE The old Mapuche sat motionless at what was a favourite spot deep in the twilight gloom of remaining ancestral rain forest. I confess to having to look up Mapuche I figured it was a group of persons but was not sure. L3 I think is kind of weak here, seems to trail off as a filler. L4 gives another reference to the people (ancestral) I like that. QUOTE Reckless of his failing health, while yet hugging his russet about him, he picked out unnamed trees who had been lifelong mentors. L1 makes me wonder how he can be referred to as "reckless" when he is sitting motionless. We also have two different tenses here, present and past, so I'm wondering did he "picked" or "picks" and is he "hugged" or "hugging" ? QUOTE Once more, he exulted in their scents and sounds, a symphony for eye and ear, now a requiem for the last of their kind. Thus the loggers found them, at dawn .... Did the loggers find him and the trees, or more than one person? It says "found them" so I'm wondering if that phrase refers to the trees or if other members of his party joined him at some point in time. I'm not a big fan of ellipses but I guess they are nice once in awhile. I'm not sure about this ending, if they work I mean. It leads me to think there is more but of course, he's dead here so I'm not getting the significance of the dashes. Thanks for the read here. I admit I didn't see the challenge so I hope this critique was okay. I mean I hope knowing all about the challenge wasn't necessary to give the critique. |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #108887
· Replies: 14
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Posted on: Jun 13 08, 07:37 |
Babylonian
Group: Guest
Posts: 67
Joined: 25-April 07
Member No.: 425
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1st Rev:
Low bottomed fans from the Slovenian Home cool and skirt Polish lace covering the Communion table.
The priest blesses throats with two gold candles crossed over one another. He wears a broad sash around his waist woven into the colors of Advent.
Wafers are dispersed like a deck of cards over a copper tray, its velvet pupil filled with leavening tears.
It is quiet, until the Eucharist dissolves in the mouths of the elderly. The wind comes in through the doors, the roof, and the sills of this church under the abele trees.
Willow leaves pass over the necks of stained glass windows like a child strumming a violin.
Org:
(feast of St. Blaise)
The priest blesses our throats with two gold candles that cross over one another. He wears a broad sash around his waist woven into the colors of Advent.
Low bottomed fans from the Slovenian Home cool and skirt Polish Lace covering the Communion table.
The wafers are dispersed like a deck of cards over a copper tray, its velvet pupil filled with leavening tears.
Outside willow leaves pass over the necks of stained glass windows like a child strumming a violin.
Inside, it is quiet, until the Eucharist dissolves in the mouths of the elderly, the diseased. Then, the wind comes in through the doors, the roof, and the sills of this church tucked under the abele trees. |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #108825
· Replies: 12
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