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Posted on: Aug 30 18, 20:13 |
Creative Chieftain
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QUOTE (Larry @ Aug 31 18, 03:45 ) Hello Anthony and Jax,
What a surprise to find anyone commenting on my posts other than Daniel. Although there were no asterisks requesting critique, I don't mind at all.
Answering the first: It may be because of pronunciation differences but according to my Espy's "Words to Rhyme With" both sets of aforementioned end-rhymes are referenced to be proper. Any long "e" sound rhymes with nearly all words ending with "y", whether it be "ly", "ty", etc. I've no clue as to your problem with "healed/spilled" rhyme.
Now, as far as the theology in L1-4 and continuing throughout the rest of the poem, it all has to do with the gift of a "soul". When it is placed or given by some omnipotent being, it is pure and unscarred by sin or other stain derived from living life. What one does throughout life can mar the purity of that soul but Christian teachings lead us to believe the blood which was shed on the cross washes the soul clean. I know different faiths believe different things and I've explored a few of them but most lead one to believe that forgiveness is given when the truly penitent ask.
Don't really like getting into a theological dissertation so I will leave you with the above explanation of the poems' content.
Appreciate the visit very much seeing as how MM is nearly a ghost town these days.
Larry 'healed' has a long 'e' 'spilled' has a short 'i' ergo no rhyme. |
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Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -...
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Posted on: Aug 30 18, 20:09 |
Creative Chieftain
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QUOTE (Larry @ Aug 31 18, 04:05 ) Hello Jax,
I see you have three asterisks for critique purposes but I can find nothing I would change. You wrote a very good poem for the Captain's point of view but I doubt he did a lot of soul-searching when running his ship. You gave him what I think he deserved and that being said, I got a nice chuckle out of your last couplet.
Larry Bligh was much maligned especially by the mindlessness of Hollywood but he was a brilliant and courageous seaman and navigator although one with little understanding of his fellow men He was indeed hauled out of bed with his arse unbreeked. Regards, Jax |
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Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -...
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Posted on: Aug 30 18, 20:09 |
Creative Chieftain
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Posts: 331
Joined: 7-March 07
From: Oz
Member No.: 408
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QUOTE (Larry @ Aug 31 18, 04:05 ) Hello Jax,
I see you have three asterisks for critique purposes but I can find nothing I would change. You wrote a very good poem for the Captain's point of view but I doubt he did a lot of soul-searching when running his ship. You gave him what I think he deserved and that being said, I got a nice chuckle out of your last couplet.
Larry Bligh was much maligned especially by the mindlessness of Hollywood but he was a brilliant and courageous seaman and navigator although one with little understanding of his fellow men He was indeed hauled out of bed with his arse unbreeked. Regards, Jax |
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Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -...
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Posted on: Aug 30 18, 08:32 |
Creative Chieftain
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Bligh
Before the wind could whisper of a gale my tongue would taste its presence in the air, I’d feel the swell of ocean muscle hale up from the deep, although all else was fair. Before the canvas cracked, before the flail of rigging gave, before a spar could split along some sap-wrought weakness in its grain, before a cloud could clear its throat and spit
I’d know, as though I’d scried this globe of pain together with the One Who’d fashioned it.
I’m hard and I was born for hard command. I’ve hammered down the sun and stars and nailed their genius to my wake. I am the Hand of God at sea and I have never failed in duty nor have been by fear unmanned. Yet I, despite all this, cannot exscind that I am man who cannot fathom man and soft with men I should have disciplined.
I'm forced to map anew my mortal span, they’ve put me arse unbreeked, into the wind. |
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Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -...
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Posted on: Jan 4 09, 18:26 |
Creative Chieftain
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Hi Merlin,
Can a screech careen Yes, if it’s bouncing off walls. ca·reen (k-rn) v. ca·reened, ca·reen·ing, ca·reens v.intr. 1. To lurch or swerve while in motion. 2. To rush headlong or carelessly; career: "He careened through foreign territories on a desperate kind of blitz" Anne Tyler. 3. Nautical a. To lean to one side, as a ship sailing in the wind. b. To turn a ship on its side for cleaning, caulking, or repairing. v.tr. Nautical 1. To cause (a ship) to lean to one side; tilt. 2. a. To lean (a ship) on one side for cleaning, caulking, or repairing. b. To clean, caulk, or repair (a ship in this position). n. Nautical 1. The act or process of careening a ship. 2. The position of a careened ship. [From French (en) carčne, (on) the keel, from Old French carene, from Old Italian carena, from Latin carna; see kar- in Indo-European roots.]
[b]Therefore, I still question the usage.[/b]
Using twi-lit would clash with twilight right below it.
“where twilight shelters me where the poltergeist appears” Hmmm – wears out the wheres, dontcha think?
What I meant was: here in this twi-lit room where the poltergeist appears.
Do poltergeists have footsteps? Is it the poltergeist making the footsteps? One assumes from the text that it is.
You feel a draft?
Regards,
Jax |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #112574
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Posted on: Jan 4 09, 18:03 |
Creative Chieftain
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Hi there is much to like in this. Some comments in line: QUOTE (vessq @ Jan 3 09, 08:56 ) [snapback]112514[/snapback] THE APOLOGY
Did you ever step across a horse In the chill before the dawn And leave a woman wondering How long you would be gone?
She'd know you were home When she heard you at the door You'd never even say What pasture you were headed for. You have gone from saying that you were going and now you are home and about to go again, the time thread of narrative is broken and the reader is left wondering why. The metre is also off.
Never thought that she might worry When you stayed out way late The clashing stresses do not work perhaps this separation: When you stayed out way too late Maybe lay awake and listen hard The syntax is lost, perhaps: Never thought she'd stay awake Trying to hear you at the gate
Did she think you might be laying hurt From a cow wreck or a fall From a cow wreck or from a fall And wonder where to go and look Or which neighbor she should call? Interesting construction "cow wreck"
You are gray as granite now and careful No careless cowboy any more And decide to ask forgiveness For all the worry you caused her The dropping of true rhyme does not work here.
Through a puzzled laugh, you hear her say I slept right through the goofy things you'd do Because when we both were twenty I was immortal, just like you. As I said there is much to like but the beats need to be regularised and the syntax repaired. Re-read from the view point of the flow of narrative and adjust. Use or lose, Regards, Jax |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
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Posted on: Dec 30 08, 08:05 |
Creative Chieftain
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Drab-olive water dimples. It is the slack on low water. Boats fret and jerk at their moorings. Gulls squabble. The trees pulse a cicada tinnitus that dulls the burble of the oyster punts. The sun becomes heavy and I move my arm off the balcony rail and onto the table. You smile and I smile. The Veuve Clicquot tastes like velvet toast.
slack water a cicada shell spirals slowly
Dessert. You have chosen zabaglione. I fuss with the menu, and choose what I always choose. You laugh, softly. Annoyed, I look out past the glints sliding across the flats. There, asleep in the mud, tenders, clinker-built and unemployed, dream. A fresh tang of salt cuts through decay and the mad run of the flood tide has begun. “Look!” I point. “Glad tidings ready to slap those tenders awake.” You reach, glide your hand across my cheek and whisper: “I’m more than me!”
flood tide the mangroves walk into deeper water |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
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Posted on: Nov 19 07, 19:21 |
Creative Chieftain
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QUOTE (heartsong7 @ Nov 16 07, 01:58 ) [snapback]104322[/snapback] This is beautiful work... poetry indeed! but is it form? It definately flows but is without consistant meter or rhyme. No matter... I love the sound of it read aloud and the haunting message within. Sue Thank you Sue as I said to Merlin it is accentual tet with the central section bundled into one paragraph. Regards, Jax |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
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Posted on: Nov 19 07, 19:18 |
Creative Chieftain
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Hi Merlin, QUOTE (Merlin @ Nov 13 07, 14:39 ) [snapback]104283[/snapback] This is very interesting, Jax. I'm unfamiliar with the form, but my guess is that it's a prose poem. It definitely fits into open form writing.
Accentual Tet the central section was also the same but I felt it worked better as a whole..
In L3, I'm wondering if you've chosen the best modifier for the tide - my choice would not be with "making". Several come to mind which appear stronger and livelier.
The 'making' tide, the flood tide, the rising tide, the in-flowing tide, but here is a tide midwifing song, a maker.
At the end of V2, you state "the thorns of a tree", which, to my mind, would sound better simply as "the thorn trees", not to confused with the book & mini TV series. Those were the thornbirds, weren't they?
But these are not thorn trees, there are many native Australian trees with thorns and these are used by butcher birds to impale gobbets of meat or whole carcases for future use.
There are images of Kalevela that appear while reading. That's a rather voluminous, Finnish saga. One fellow went and stole a wife from another tribe, and when she wouldn't stop squawking, he turned her into a seagull.
There tis.
Merlin This is a tale, my own in part, set in the Dreamtime.
Thanks for commenting, it is appreciated as always,
Jax |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
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Posted on: Nov 11 07, 20:28 |
Creative Chieftain
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Stonehenge, Winter Solstice
Bejeweled in hoar, dried stalks of yarrow stand Perhaps "bejeweled by hoar" forlorn, like plainsmen from a far flung zone who guard the mystic ring of circle stones and watch as pilgrims come from distant lands.
One group of faithful, several hundred strong, have made their camp, a village of a sort, not far away. Their children play at sports while men-folk meet, debating right and wrong. If "rights and wrongs" it would keep to your interesting rhyming scheme.
When daylight pales the eastern starless sky, "starless skies" a mellow chanting starts, imploring gods and every living saint to turn these sods "to turn each sod" back into fertile ground lest all must die.
The daystar casts its rays across the plain; "the plains;" observers note their chants are not in vain.
Enjoyed.
Regards,
Jax
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #104268
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Posted on: Oct 4 07, 08:29 |
Creative Chieftain
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Some thoughts in line Sam, QUOTE (4rum @ Sep 29 07, 09:03 ) [snapback]102880[/snapback] Written in tribute to Princess IohaghHot Blooded
As dusky eve'n time descends (At dusk the evening light descends) Chase the shadows ‘cross the glens (chasing shadows 'cross the glens) Tiny princess know her hour (The tiny princess knows the hour) To close the petals of each flower
Now take to wing (dear - or other monosyllabic descriptor) pixie sprite Much to do, for comes the night (There's much to do for here comes night) Into the dark of dream(')s abyss (and) Seal each blossom with your kiss
Such charge is given Iohagh Not a chore, but pleasure draw (This line does not make much sense) (as) From her power, grace and duty She gives the world n(N)ature(')s beauty
But of a night steeped in gloom (However night is steeped in gloom) (and) Aphids come to kill the bloom And Iohagh alone doth stand Before the murd’rous evil band
With legions legs do they walk They pierce and suck each fragile stalk A wave of death sweep(s through) [o’re] the glade
And Iohagh draw(s) her blade…
With battle cry she make(s) the fray (BTW a battle cry cannot make the fray) (so or something else an unstressed syllable is missing) Parry, thrust then dance away Forge again to fracas fierce (really does not mean anything) Her Elvin blade the evil pierce (The inversion is so overly poetic)
And on and on and on t’ward morn (and on and on towards the morn, there is no need for the faux archaism) Though bruised and battered, sadly torn The tiny princess cannot falter She lay her fate at heavens alter (She lays her fate on Heaven's altar.)
On weakened knee but strengthened prayer She speak(s) her vow into the air “Oh Lord of day, Lord of night,” “Hear my plea, see my plight,”
And in an instant flash of green Come Ger-ta mighty mantis queen With jagged lethal lightning claw She stand(s) her ground with Iohagh
On Ger-ta’s back in blueblack robe The Watcher of all gardens rode With magic sceptre held up high He smite(s) the aphid…and they die
Now Ger-ta gently in her maw Take(s) the broken Iohagh And carr[y](ies) her to Watcher’s lair (the language is far too tortured) Where he can mend the princess fair
With herb of land, sky and ocean The Watcher conjure(s) (either an article or 'potion' must be made plural) saving potion A poultice, salves and sweet elixir
Grammar must always be addressed.
If of use please use if not discard. Regards, Jax |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #103279
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Posted on: Oct 4 07, 08:04 |
Creative Chieftain
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QUOTE (Judi @ Oct 4 07, 12:41 ) [snapback]103249[/snapback] I love this very abstract and very beautiful poem...I wonder if you have some near rhymes on purpose, or it it just worked out that way...whatever the reason, I won't haggle over it...I like it the way it is. Brava, Jan. My best, Judi Yes Judi, to echo the man's work. Many thanks and regards, Jax |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
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