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Posted on: Jun 2 13, 20:04 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 79
Joined: 20-November 06
From: Bella Vista, Arkansas
Member No.: 355
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I workshopped this at another site, and this is the second version resulting from those crits. Liz saw it over there. I'm working on a short story that will include this, so I figure I need to polish it. All comments welcome
Kicking Stones
When you find a good one, keep it. Put it in your pocket when you get to school. Finger it during class and think of after, the joyous mile walk home, on the route you're not supposed to take, by Mashpaug Pond and across wooded lots, down the boy path.
A good one bounces, hops curbs for you, skirts around storm drains, follows the curve of the road and leads you home. Tempt fate; kick harder, send it longer and hope it misses that parked Rambler. Safe under your pillow, it will greet morning with you and beg you not to forget it. Your dead mother won't find it and your dad won't look, but it rightly should walk with you.
Some day it will leave you, perhaps down a manhole or in tall grass. But you will find another and another, all friends, all forgotten as to features, mere shoe scuffs, mirrored memories. |
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Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'...
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Posted on: Apr 23 13, 11:29 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 79
Joined: 20-November 06
From: Bella Vista, Arkansas
Member No.: 355
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Hello to all at MM.
I finished the first round of edits on my latest novel (and currently working on the second round), and am ready to begin putting a virtual book launch team together. My tentative title for the novel has been China Tour. However, I’m thinking of changing that to Smugglers and Spies. The title is very much up in the air. The one-sentence description is: An American couple’s troubled marriage is further strained when they become embroiled in a CIA operation while touring China. The book is about 74,000 words, or 257 pages when formatted for editing. It's set in 1983.
This is the first time I’ve tried to put a virtual book launch team together, so I’m kind of feeling my way. What I thought I would ask of my team: - Read the book. I’ll supply a Word or PDF copy ASAP. I’d ask that you read it within two weeks and give me some feedback. - Give me feedback about the title. Is one of these better, or does something else seem good to you? - Obviously if you find the book isn’t something you could endorse you can back out. - Within the first month of publication, make at least three on-line posts promoting it. This could be a blog post, Facebook post, tweet, or whatever, the goal being to get some buzz started. - Once the book publishes, post a review on Amazon and/or Goodreads. - After publication, I’ll give everyone on the launch team an official copy, either paper or electronic at your choice. I’m hoping to do the paperback version almost simultaneous with the print version, but the cover will dictate that.
Anyone want in on the launch team? Message me here, respond in-thread with your e-mail, or e-mail me at norman_d_gutter AT yahoo DOT com. I’ll have the file to you within a few hours. |
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Forum: Member Announcements -> Basilica
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Posted on: Apr 23 13, 11:17 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 79
Joined: 20-November 06
From: Bella Vista, Arkansas
Member No.: 355
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Maureen:
I had some trouble paying attention to the words as I read the poem, my eyes moving left to right across each line but my brain not engaging with the poem. Till I reached the last line, which brought a smile to my face. Then I went back and read it with comprehension.
The poem has things I could pick at. Inconsistent capitalization, missing apostrophes, rocky to inconsistent to almost missing meter. All of these detract from the enjoyment, and all are easy to fix. The first stanza especially is difficult to read due to the lack of meter. I've read it through several times, and can see ways to improve it. Given the aggressive enjambment in this stanza, and given that as the first it sets the tone for the poem, I think you need a good regular meter. By stanza four you have pretty well established a ballad meter: 7 iambic feet to the line. If you could get the first stanza close to this, I think you would have a much improved poem.
The only other thing I'll comment on is, with the poem in the cat's point of view, I had a difficult time figuring out who was staring (I assume the cat), who was mesmerized and fearful(don't know). I assume it's a human thief who's taking the food that the maid attributes to mice, but I don't really know and can't tell from the poem. Possibly I'm too literal in my reading. Maybe the poor young bloke is a mouse.
Best Regards, NDG |
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Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -...
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Posted on: Apr 11 13, 18:01 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 79
Joined: 20-November 06
From: Bella Vista, Arkansas
Member No.: 355
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Hi Snow:
Back at the forums because of an invite of an old friend. Kind of rusty on critique, but won't let that stop me.
I see you've had some good crits already, and have responded to them. All a good sign. Perhaps I didn't read this closely enough, but I didn't get that this was the meeting of day and night at twilight personified through the language of an affair. I suppose I need to read it more times.
A sonnet in rhyming couplets is unusual, but certainly not wrong or out of the realm of standard sonnet variations. Your enjambment is hard, what I call aggressive enjambment, such as the cross-stanza enjambment. That, coupled with substitute feet and the mid-foot caesura at L13 makes the reading a little difficult, but not overly so.
I think the thing I like least about it is the archaic "welkin." You could find many other ways to say what you want without resorting to archaisms in a poem that isn't set in an archaic setting. I'm a fan for modern language for modern poems. But, if it says exactly what you want it to say keep it; but realize how it might be met by the reader.
The only other thing I could add, which I sort of hesitate to do, is that the poem seems to be working a little hard to be a poem. Lots of uncommon words may make the more casual reader hesitate to read it twice, and you might lose a fan thereby.
Best Regards, NDG |
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Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -...
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Posted on: Dec 20 07, 14:38 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 79
Joined: 20-November 06
From: Bella Vista, Arkansas
Member No.: 355
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Hello folks. The muse has worked a little lately, and I was able to finish this sonnet that's been kicking around in my head for three years or so. Due to the un-peaceful Christmas rush, I may or may not be back to this until company leaves. Of Bollards And BermsI sunk my bollards deep, to solid rock, a barricade both visible and stout, then linked them all with chains and double locks to close me in and keep the temptress out. And then, for extra help, I built a berm, an earth embankment towering and wide, a static wall designed to help me spurn the constant lust that haunted deep inside. She penetrated those, and my resolve disintegrated, thrown to wave and wind. Protections I erected soon dissolved. Forgive me, Lord, you know that I have sinned. "Dear child, through brokenness learn what you lack. I give you My forgiveness. Welcome back." |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
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Posted on: Sep 6 07, 17:11 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 79
Joined: 20-November 06
From: Bella Vista, Arkansas
Member No.: 355
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Thanks Ron and Liz for coming by, and Daniel for a second visit.
Yeah, Daniel, I figured you were just messin' with me in your first post, but just in case I was misinterpreting, I figured I'd better come clean.
Ron: I guess, if they read it aloud for emphasis, they aren't speed reading and so should improve their brains.
Liz: Well, I'm not shooting for accuracy with medical terms. If so I would have consulted my RN wife. I'm just trying to say that speed reading poetry makes no sense. Actually, even the speed reading is a non-sensical, overstated euphamism for reading too fast, for not dwelling on poetry--the most distilled and complex type of writing--to capture its full impact. So the insanity and hemorrhage are just overstatements of the impact of reading too fast for comprehension. It's all overstatement, intending for humor while trying to state something I've seen stated over and over in poetry textbooks: reading poetry takes real time. Sorry this seems to have struck you as inappropriate. I do appreciate your time, and will look at your suggestions and see if they make sense for the intent I have for this epigram.
Best Regards, NDG |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
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Posted on: Aug 13 07, 22:48 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 79
Joined: 20-November 06
From: Bella Vista, Arkansas
Member No.: 355
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Liz: You have some wonderful things going on here. Looking only at Revision 1, the opening sentence fragment does not trouble me. What linked with and read in conjunction with the title, it reads: "Insignificant--like raindrops on your window pane and or snowflakes on your brow." That reads as a declarative statement, which can stand as a fragment. Then, as you get into the rest of the poem, you come to realize the poet/narrator is talking about a former love interest. That then adds an implied "I'm before significant, and it reads: "I'm insignificant--like raindrops on your window pane and or snowflakes on your brow." So, I see this as an example of the title working perfectly as an extension of the poem, and with the balance of the poem harkening back to those two. That's the stuff good poetry is made of. Someone else has mentioned the apparent typo in S2, 'breathe', when 'breath' works better in context. The third line of this stanza: the silent humming of birdsong is clunky for meter. Nothing comes to mind as a fix to it, but you might want to play with it some. I have more I want to write, but I'm out of time, as bathroom and bedroom beckon, in advance of an early morning appointment to get shorn. I will return. Best Regards, NDG |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
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Posted on: Aug 7 07, 12:44 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 79
Joined: 20-November 06
From: Bella Vista, Arkansas
Member No.: 355
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Wally and Michelle:
Thank you for the comments, and for the specifics of what you liked and didn't like in the poem.
Michelle: I purposely left the yoked metaphor out of the first three stanzas, to keep the reader guessing as to whether what the situation was between the poet and his love. As for your other comment: alas, the beauty I'm yoked with cares nothing for verse and, as she has stated to me "Don't you think there's enough poetry in the world?", she will never see this. But, 'tis I who've changed, for six years ago I was where she is, and had been there for three decades.
Best Regards, NDG |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
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Posted on: Aug 6 07, 11:18 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 79
Joined: 20-November 06
From: Bella Vista, Arkansas
Member No.: 355
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YokedShall we sashay beneath the Bradford pears until the redbuds pop and dogwoods burst? Or let a shower catch us unawares and tumble arm-in-arm to passion's thirst? Then let us waste a summer day: a lake, a pontoon boat, an isolated cove. We'll share our time, confirm it's no mistake to daily seal our vows and grow our love. We've watched love change; first Wow!, then commonplace, then struggle just to live, like leaves in fall, yet always keep its hold, with withering grace, like pin oak leaves—the stubbornest of all. May our devotion thrive, and still expand, until life's winter issues its command. |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
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Posted on: Jun 7 07, 16:41 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 79
Joined: 20-November 06
From: Bella Vista, Arkansas
Member No.: 355
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Mary:
I'm interested in any type of critique someone wants to give; I don't believe in restricting critique, or requesting a certain type of critique. When I put the poem out there in the world, it belongs to the critter, not to me. But knowing that all critique is opinion and not absolute truth, I get to pick and choose among the critiques given those which will most help with my intent for the poem. And please don't think I was belittling your critique for, although it brought out some aspects of the poem where my tastes differ from your tastes, the critique was indeed valid and appreciated.
I'll check out your post about critiquing. BTW, my enthusiasm for writing is at an all time low right now, and getting this piece finished was a struggle. Life needs and obligations are choking out life wants, and I'll probably be taking a lengthy break from from writing as soon as the critique of this poem is complete.
Best Regards, NDG |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
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Posted on: Jun 7 07, 12:00 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 79
Joined: 20-November 06
From: Bella Vista, Arkansas
Member No.: 355
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Thanks for the comments, Judi, and for taking the time to read and comment.
Thanks, Ron, for coming back to this, and for the thoughts about word length in poetry. I, too, like the closing couplet. In fact, it is the climax couplet in the book of which this poem forms a part.
NDG |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #97689
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