Hey Jim,

The indention does look much better. I'm glad it worked out for you. I understand your concern on the italics. If it were me (and it isn't ), I would have put "an hour ago" in parentheses and italicized "inhale". Just a different way of looking at it.




I suggested it because of the minimalism of the first four stanzas. You seem to be striving to drive home the setting in as few words as possible, and it works well. I just feel that removing "a" from those lines would be in keeping with that idea. Some will suggest to remove every "a, and, the" from any free verse poem. I personally feel that it depends on the "mood" of the poem. In this case the mood is very minimalistic. Make any sense?

Dan

Thanks Lori.

Dan

Hello.

I really enjoyed this read. It's odd that human nature often lends itself to silliness. "You may have killed me, but you haven't beat me. Here let me show you." Somehow, that attitude often makes us feel better about ourselves.

Just a couple of suggestions, use or chuck.

white on red
forbidding,
light up anyway

I assume you are talking about the "No Smoking" signs. I've always seen them as red on white, but I'm sure that's just personal preferance.

a woman coughs (I think you could do without "a" in both the first two lines)
a man complains
“bite me”
inhale

I'm going to argue against italicizing in place of the parentheses, only because I would like to see "inhale" italicized throughout the poem, just to add a bit of emphasis. Also, I would suggest changing the centered stanzas to just slightly indented. It breaks up the read a little too much, IMO.

This was insightful and very well done.

Dan

Thanks Lori.

I've been leaning that way myself, but I actually like it both ways. Since I can't really say yes or no either way, I'll just leave it the way it is. Revision's on its way.

Dan

Thanks Lori,

The Pandora Challenges have always helped kick start something for me, and I'm glad you like this one.

"but" is definitely gone. I also like the idea of removing "so". I'll have a revision posted in a day or two, still trying to decide if I need to cut down "apparently allergic".

Thanks for stopping in,

Dan

Very, very nice, Nina!

The additional line breaks lend even more weight to this already powerful piece. The inversion of "life boxed" was also a nice touch.

Great revision,

Dan

Love the revision, Dani.

My only quirk is "kittenishness". Probably because I have such a hard time wrapping my tongue around it , LOL! Of course, I can't really think of a suitable replacement. so this isn't much help. :)

This has turned out very nicely,

Dan

Hi Cathy. I almost missed your post among mine. :)

Glad I didn't, though. I love your suggestion for the ending, and will change it when I revise.
As always, you come in with great ideas! Thanks so much.

Dan

Hey Daniah. So glad you could stop in and take a look.



As always, a pleasure.

Dan

Thanks for stopping in Nina. It's always appreciated.



I enjoyed writing this one as the phrases we were given sort of naturally led me to it. That always makes it easier.

Dan

Thanks Nina, Cathy, and Lori.

Ok, I lied. I'm getting to this tonight. Glad to see you back at it. As usual, any suggestions you don't like you can throw in a bottomless pit.

[] = add, {} = delete, () = comment - - the usual



My mythology is rustier than a sunken ship, so you'll have to remind me if this is referring to a specific story, or if you're just embellishing.

Painful? Please. Not nearly as painful as seeing nothing from you at all.

Hope I've been some help,
Dan

Hey Nina,

A very, very powerful answer to a challenge. Each stanza really built off the previous one until you're nearly wrung out at the end. Which is why I personally think this would end a bit more powerfully if you dropped the last line completely, thus:

With hope defeated
by fear’s wall
I travel too late -

Letting the reader's imagination finish this on their own would really have an impact, IMO.

Of course, I've been told I'm a nut, too. Just a suggestion, of course.

Well done,

Dan

Hello Daniah,

It's so wonderful to see you in my thread (it's been a really long time and you probably have no idea who this is ).

Thanks for the nice comments, and I did get a lot of excellent help with this. The first (and last) line of this had been running through my head for a while, and this is what came of it. I'm glad you like it.

Dan

Hey Cathy,

Nice revision. I really like what you did with the first stanza, and the addition of "indellible" in the last stanza was a nice touch. It reads much "cleaner" now, without the small hiccups that made me reread a couple of lines the first time.

Well done,

Dan

I really appreciate all your help, Cathy. "Shared" it is.

Dan

Hey Cathy,

You made excellent use of the allotted words. A very enjoyable read. Here's a few suggestions for you mull over. As always, set fire to anything you don't like.

{delete} [add] (comment) - the usual




I've really got to find the time to get in on some of these challenges, and pieces like this just make me want to even more. Thanks for the read.

Hope I've been some help,

Dan

I see what you mean. What about:

sly smiles...
shared with someone else

just to keep the alliteration going

Thanks,

Dan

Hey Lori,

Like everyone else I like the uplifting feel of this. While most of the suggestions have been taken care of I do have one suggested word change.

line 2: "once" to "gone", thus:

rejuvenates a soul gone gray

slightly more emphasis on the word, but I think it would still flow ok.

My 2 cents,

Dan

Hey Nina.

I'm very happy that this piece brought out such emotion for you. It isn't really what I intended when starting out, but seems to be working anyway. "Prostituting" never came to mind, but a perfect way to sum up the feel of this one.

Thanks for the comments,

Dan

Hey Lori,

It's great to see you in my thread, and as always you come with excellent suggestions. The punctuation changes are duly noted, and I like the substitution of "the" for "my". I kinda like the "critics" line as is, but will see how others feel before deciding. I definitely have to do something with the "canvas tattered". I'm thinking of going with "walls" as I am referring to shadow puppets. We'll see. Thanks for dropping in and leaving your thoughts.

Dan

Hey Daniel,

I enjoyed the use of language. It definitely adds to the emotion of the piece. My only real pick is that "man" and "den" is a real stretch for me. For the life of me though, I can't think of a fix that doesn't mess with the meter. Let me think on it.

A pleasure,

Dan

LOL!! I don't think two years or more qualifies as "short-term". We've crossed paths on this board and a previous one. I was vredfreak there, formerly Atlantis here.

Alas, to find I left no memorable impression darkens my thoughts and leadens my heart. (just kidding)

The name is Daniel Vredenburg and I'm pleased to make your acquaintance . . . again.

Until later,

Dan

It's been a long time Daniel, and I'm glad to see you still "deLighting" the boards. As for the piece:

I ended up leaving it cryptic for a specific reason. When I started, it honestly wasn't supposed to be quite this grim. I was simply feeling tired and irritated by the demands of work, school, and family. I started trying to write something to encompass all those things pulling at me, not leaving me any time for myself. But the farther I went, the more morbid it became, so I left it for the reader to interpret as they will.

Thanks for pointing out the extra syllable, I missed that one. I'll see what I can do.

That other Daniel, simply called

Dan

Thanks to Daniel, Lori

Shadow Puppet (Revision #1)


An actor trapped in shadow puppet play,
my thoughts implanted; lines from hidden page.
Encasing light, that seemed to show the way,
was nothing more than curtains. “Cue the stage!”
I did my part to entertain each day,
as crowds would gather 'round; all watching me.
And signs were posted everywhere to say,
“Enjoy our daily act, admission's free!”.
Some parents held their children high to see,
while others tossed assorted coins in shame,
that lay unseen below my feet; a fee
to lighten burdens weighed with guilt and blame.
And I performed. My sorrow, pain, or glee
were scenes for critics' thumbs to give review.
The smiles, the tears, and moments dear to me;
directed farces acted right on cue.

a life tattooed with light of every hue;
a movie played on walls destroyed by rage;
remorseful epitaph on slab askew -
“The light was false. Emotion was my cage.”


-------------------------------------------------------------

(Original)

Shadow Puppet

An actor trapped in shadow puppet play,
my thoughts implanted; lines from hidden page.
Encasing light, that seemed to show my way,
was nothing more than curtains. “Cue the stage!”
I did my part to entertain each day,
as crowds would gather 'round, all watching me.
And signs were posted everywhere to say,
“Enjoy our daily act, admission's free!”.
Some parents held their children high to see,
while others tossed assorted coins, in shame,
that lay unseen below my feet; a fee
to lighten burdens weighed with guilt and blame.
And I performed. My sorrow, pain, or glee
were scenes for critics' thumbs to give review.
The smiles, the tears, and moments dear to me;
directed farces acted right on cue.

a life tattooed with light of every hue;
a movie played on canvas tattered with age;
remorseful epitaph on slab askew -
“The light was false. Emotion was my cage.”