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Posted on: Feb 20 07, 23:24 |
Creative Chieftain
Group: Gold Member
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Joined: 2-January 06
From: Washington State USA
Member No.: 145
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No fair! I planned to nominate this before I knew you nominated mine. I am nominating this because of the layers in it, (you are a 911 op aren't you?) and because his poem really does a wonderful job personifying something as common as a telephone wire. We pass them daily with barely a thought. I will think about them now each time I pass because of this fine piece QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Feb 20 07, 04:35 ) On the Wire
On the Wire
I appear a threadbare crack against an ashen sky, unnoticed, if not for the winds that sway me.
Society confabulates a chaotic void through my cylindrical sphere; easily dismissing my existence, until God's breath breaks me.
Steadfast, I endure, second by second, uniting family to distant family, closing the miles into a hair's-breadth, connecting conversations, creating friends from strangers.
I'm privy to their private notions, entrusted to carry off dirty confessions; dark and sate of passion, sacred truths, and unholy lies.
It is lonely listening to chatter, in all their apathy--they hunger for consolation; I bring solace in a single ring.
I am a conduit of universal need, funneling energy of an over extended perseity- a conducer of their lives --
and yet, it is the birds, perched along my fibers that contemplate me. As sparrows rest and blue jays sing,
"Tek, Tek" an ebon crow calls, inviting human-kind to pay homage to my silent prominence.
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Forum: IPBC Archive
· Post Preview: #91698
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Posted on: Feb 20 07, 11:16 |
Creative Chieftain
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 883
Joined: 2-January 06
From: Washington State USA
Member No.: 145
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QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Feb 20 07, 06:11 ) [snapback]91648[/snapback] Heehee..
You should really send something in, you would write something extremely profound!
Hugs, Liz ... I have one, it is short and sweet. But I had to wait a few days to post it here. So I will post it now. Glad some of my suggestions were helpful. It is a nice piece of work |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #91667
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Posted on: Feb 20 07, 00:50 |
Creative Chieftain
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 883
Joined: 2-January 06
From: Washington State USA
Member No.: 145
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Great response to that workshop Liz I like the tone of this. I have (a Very few) suggestions QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Feb 20 07, 04:35 ) [snapback]91646[/snapback] This month's Guardian Guardian Workshop - Aiden Andrew Dun asks poets to write about the familiar... On the Wire I appear a threadbare crack against an ashen sky, unnoticed, if not for the winds that sway me. Society confabulates a chaotic void thru my cylindrical sphere; but easily dismiss <---this relates to society so needs to be "dismisses"my existence, until God's breath breaks me. Steadfast, I provide endurance <----provide just feels not quite right here, maybe "I endure, second by second..."second by second, uniting family to distant family, closing the miles between into a hairsbreadth, <---hair's-breath? Omit between?connecting conversations simultaneously- <---omit simultaneoulsycreating friendships out of strangers. <---friends?I'm privy to their private notions, entrusted to carry off dirty confessions, dark and sate of passion, sacred truths and unholy lies-spontaneously. <--- omit spontaneouslyI get lonely listening to chatter and in all their apathy--they hunger for consolation, and I bring solace <--- omit andin the single ring of a telephone. Have they ever considered my capacity or what part I play within this world— <---this is perhaps too wordy and in my opinion not needed. Maybe just say "I am"a conduit of universal need, funneling energy of an over extended perseity- a conducer of your lives -- <---their lives and yet, it is the birds, perched along my fibers that contemplate me. Sparrows and blue jays are my companions; <----omit this line"Tek, Tek" an ebon crow calls, inviting human-kind to pay homage to my silent prominence... [font="Times New Roman"][/font]Really like the notion of this poem: Here is my take employing my suggestions: On the Wire
I appear a threadbare crack against an ashen sky, unnoticed, if not for the winds that sway me.
Society confabulates a chaotic void thru my cylindrical sphere; but easily dismisses my existence, until God's breath breaks me.
Steadfast, I endure, second by second, uniting family to distant family, closing the miles into a hair's-breadth, connecting conversations, creating friends out of strangers.
I'm privy to their private notions, entrusted to carry off dirty confessions, dark and sate of passion, sacred truths and unholy lies.
I get lonely listening to chatter and in all their apathy--they hunger for consolation; I bring solace in the single ring of a telephone.
I am a conduit of universal need, funneling energy of an over extended perseity- a conducer of their lives -- and yet, it is the birds, perched along my fibers that contemplate me. Sparrows and blue jays.
"Tek, Tek" an ebon crow calls, inviting human-kind to pay homage to my silent prominence...Great work Liz |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #91647
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· Views: 7,700
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Posted on: Feb 18 07, 15:52 |
Creative Chieftain
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 883
Joined: 2-January 06
From: Washington State USA
Member No.: 145
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I am way too late to be of much use here Tim (been very busy and heading out of town again tomorrow)
This is one of your finest pieces I think. And it has a wonderful musical quality that befits the subject, So I will be leaving word choice and phrasing alone here as I think you have a wonderful voice in this. My criticism is it was confusing to make the leap from the harp to the ivory keys (knowing full well that the keys referred to a piano) then wondering if harp was a slang word in some circles for piano - but I live with a musician and most of my friends are muscians and I have never heard that before.
Once you explain that Alice played both, of course it makes sense, but I believe others will fail to make the leap, just as I did. Because you say THOSE ivory keys, this reader thinks you are talking about something you have already mentioned, when the piano was not previously mentioned at all. Then the remainder of the poem talks about her piano, no mention again of harp
So maybe just do some thinking on how to help the reader who does NOT know Alice make the transition from harp to piano. Or have the notes pulled from the piano instead of plucked from the harp
My only other nit is having the last line stand alone. I am not sure why that bothers me, so I can't give you a good reason. I think maybe it gives it too much importance and takes away from some of the other wonderful things going on in this piece. |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #91573
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Posted on: Feb 18 07, 15:34 |
Creative Chieftain
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 883
Joined: 2-January 06
From: Washington State USA
Member No.: 145
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Hi Rayn I remember this as being one of the first poems of yours I commented on, on the site where we first met. This has a come a distance since then, but I too agree this can be trimmed to make it even more poignant than it already is. Here are my meager suggestions to use or lose (I have just basically edited instead of doing in-line comments. If you have any questions about why I made a particualr edit, please ask)
Why can't I hear the sirens? Any second now they'll be here. He's not moving. Any second.... Please.
We stand huddled, helpless. Every time I ever teased him about that thick skull, every word that passed between us echoes, races in my head.
A moment ago he was laughing.
I stare at a world without him, as onlookers collect on the asphalt, a growing pool of pity. My mother does not hear them. She listens for sirens.
In the arms of a woman she's never met, my sister, melting, is cradled. She turns to me; I open,
clutching her to me. We pray for time. We pray they know he is more than a trauma, a broken vessel.
He is swallowed in a tide of blue uniforms and red trucks. A lens, fallen from his glasses, reflects the red and blue strobe from its shattered surfaces.
We watch as life fractures beneath our feet, as cracks deepen and spread, while the world rides upon a siren fading in the distance. |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #91572
· Replies: 8
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Posted on: Feb 18 07, 15:08 |
Creative Chieftain
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 883
Joined: 2-January 06
From: Washington State USA
Member No.: 145
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Hi Jenni I like a lot about this piece. The mood is successfully accomplished. I do think it can be trimmed a bit though and here are my suggestions
Perspectives
The sun sinks <---this does help set the mood but it almost borders on cliche (at least maybe too much for an opening line) on another Friday afternoon. I walk towards home, passing the charity shop coffee house where through curved glass I see today's recycled people <----I think I know what you are after with recycled here, but it feels a bit like you may be preaching to us when I think what you mean is that the people in this place are ever changing sit and chat about their yesterdays, knowing their tomorrows hold so little. <----I might drop this line and let the reader come to their own conclusion about the peoples' tomorrrows, since really how can the N know that THEY know they have so little to look forward to I climb the hill towards the sea.<--- I like the repeating of going towards something - home, the sea A February blackbird trills reminding me
I have seen no thrushes <--- I love the pensiveness of this - and I love birds in poems from the North this winter. Behind the funeral director's <----I think you need a comma here a private ambulance, too long for the allotted space, forces me from my path. The sky is blue for ever <----forever over a quiet sea And I am just another dot diminishing well before<-----consider ending with diminishing infinity.
Nicely done Jenni
Here it it without the suggestive bits, take what you want
I walk towards home as the sun sinks on another Friday afternoon, passing the charity-shop coffee house where through curved glass I see today's patrons chatting about their yesterdays. I climb the hill towards the sea. A February blackbird trills reminding me
I have seen no thrushes from the North this winter. Behind the funeral director's, a private ambulance, too long for the allotted space, forces me from my path. The sky is blue forever over a quiet sea And I am just another dot diminishing. |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #91571
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